Dear Customer,

Thank you for buying a box of Kellogg’s Cereal. We value you as a customer. Unfortunately during the time of manufacture, our computers were down. Since it is our goal to attract as many customers as possible, we rely heavily on the layout and design of our cereal boxes. We include “fun facts” on the inside of every cereal box with little hints on the outside to get people to buy our products. To make it even more attractive, we include little plastic toys inside the box but don’t be afraid. You will not accidentally eat them because they are wrapped in another plastic bag inside the cereal bag which is not bad for the environment. We swear! So, now this little accident happened in our factory and our package design writers had to come up with facts they knew to be true without the ability to fact-check them.

While all the facts printed were true, we must retract the following Kellog’s Facts as they are not quite interesting enough to live up to the standard we set for ourselves:

• One time, Queen Elizabeth was twelve.
• An alive person’s heart beats more than nine times a day.
• There is a frog in my backyard that responds to the name Dennis.
• Other animals besides cats probably land on their feet; we just haven’t thrown them off stuff enough to know for sure.
• I might be overstating how much the frog responds to the name Dennis. My neighbor, who hates my guts despite my efforts to connect with him, is named Dennis, and it’s just nice to have something respond when I say “Hello, Dennis.”
• A sloth’s fart doesn’t stink
• The word “tiramisu” comes from the Italian word for coffee-, ladyfinger-, mascarpone-, and cocoa-based dessert.
• Cats cannot move their jaws to the side
• Gorillas are just one of several types of animals.
• The average person has 1.5 X chromosomes.
• Flamingoes can only eat with their heads upside down
• An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain
• Bears don’t poo during hibernation
• A group of jellyfish is called a smack
• Your funny bone is not funny at all
• Bigfoot’s real name could be Chris.
• The Bible has a book called “Numbers” but all the other books also have little numbers in them every sentence or so.
• Kellogg’s makes its fact writers stay all day until they’ve written enough facts, no matter what.
• Cock’s Hardware, which is owned by Dennis’s father, whom he respects, burned down. The arsonist was never caught even though he stopped by during the fire pretending to want to buy nails.
• Despite being known for their height, giraffes can be smaller than koala bears if the giraffe is really far away and the koala is close.
• The frog in my yard kind of responded to the name “Kevin” this morning, so I don’t know what’s happening anymore.
• Kellogg’s will let employees go home for the day if the building mysteriously catches fire.
• Some frogs can hold their pee for up to eight months
• No word in the English language rhymes with “month” or “silver”
• The Australian government banned the word “mate” for one day
• Girls with extra-long nails cannot wear gloves
• The electric chair was invented by a dentist. (hmmmmmmm)
• A snail can sleep for three years.

If any of these facts were on the inside of your box of cereal, please take it back to your point of purchase (provided you did not buy it at Costco, Walmart, Billa, Billa Plus, InterSpar, Aldi, Hofer, Lidl) and exchange it for a box that says, THE POPE IS NOT ALLOWED TO BE AN ORGAN DONOR and Promotion is Always Fair.