.SOMETIMES RAW.

You have to ask children and birds how cherries and strawberries taste. – Goethe

Last weekend, my son turned seven. Despite the Corona-madness, we were able to put together an awesome birthday party with fewer friends, and with my closest family. I have been writing a yearly letter for him since he was born, and one day when he is older, I would like him to read them. I like to tell him (and have a reminder) how he has changed over the previous year(s), what he likes, what music he enjoys listening to, what I love about him, and who he enjoys spending his time with. All these little things which, over the years, I am sure we will forget. I am already excited for the next chapter. He is growing up so quickly -some days I am ready for it, others I am not. I couldn’t help but ask myself how am I a mom to a seven-year-old? How is he even seven? It feels unreal that he is that old. I feel I am still in my 20s – smoking Gauloises, reading Camus, Sartre, Milan Kundera, and wearing all black. Wait, actually, not much has changed in that department. I added some layers of grey into my wardrobe though. And I make my own Chia pudding and take B-Vitamins.

Recently, and usually always just before his birthday, I think a lot about the physicality of motherhood. Before having my son I would have been the perfect Corona-fanatic (Covidiot?) who didn’t touch people that often (or at all) during the day. I mean, who does? Most of the day, at work, on the train, in the grocery store, at a movie, I spent without any physical contact. But these days, people avoid each other like the Plague.

When I had my son something changed. I instantly dove headfirst into a daily routine of touch. Cuddling, smooching, bathing, holding his tiny hand, breastfeeding, napping together, and changing diapers. I suddenly touched another person ALL the time and I got to know him so well. I can tell exactly what every part of Joel feels like. His cheeks, warm neck, teeny toes. I know how he breathes slowly when he is sleeping, and how his tongue is hanging out a tiny bit at the corner of his mouth whenever he is concentrating to build or draw something.

And now, (talking and typing in slow motion): But what about the partner I am in a relationship with?

The other day, I had an awesome conversation with a friend, who listened to a podcast by  Esther Perel, the author of Mating in Captivity, a book about sex (within marriage and) after having kids. Perel believes that there is a badge of honor among women to not prioritize yourself or your marriage: It is all about the children. Without realizing it, she said, women can end up getting their emotional intimacy and physical satisfaction from their children, instead of their partners, said Perel. They give their babies tons of wonderful affection and then don’t have anything left over for their spouse. The relationship can become a disaster over time.

After reading the book I learned that, even at the end of a long day, the child should get the full attention of the mother, but so should the partner. In other words, languorous hugs and playful kisses for everyone.

Obviously, kissing my son is one of life’s greatest joys, and to me, my son is still my baby and will be my buddy with his huge, genuine heart. I don’t think that feeling will ever change because he is happy, funny, he makes my heart swell, makes me laugh, and challenges me in every way possible. But, at the same time, I realize that parents need that physical affection from each other, too. Not only to be a better parent but a better person and partner.

.Stay happy. Stay sane.

“Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.” – Anne Lamott Ye

A couple of days ago, I had a computer problem and could not sign out for some reason. A colleague told me to just, “hit CTLR+ALT+DEL and reset because this always works”. Then, a good friend made a fascinating remark which then triggered me to write this article. She and her husband were in the process of selling their house in order to pay off some debt. When I asked her how they came to that decision, she said to me, “We have decided to hit reset on our life. For too long we have overextended ourselves financially, and it is time to take whatever steps are necessary to start fresh. We just put our house on the market and began living within a tighter budget. I don’t know what we were thinking living like that for so long, but it is time to hit reset on our lives.”

I kind of like this phrase: “We have decided to hit reset on our lives.” I hit reset on my life many times.

In speaking with my friend, I was reminded of my own life. In many ways, I hit reset when I discovered a more minimalistic lifestyle. I went back to the beginning, challenging my consumption, and the many unhealthy habits that had become present in my life. Of course, not every life is in need of a full reset. And I am smart enough to know that resetting a life is not the same as restarting a computer. I know I cannot just delete past memories, experiences, injuries, or every unenjoyable responsibility in my life. Resetting the direction requires more than a few minutes of downtime.

Autumn started and we are nearing (or longing?) the end of 2020; the time of year when I naturally assess the trajectory of my life and what direction I am heading. There is truth in the reality that I am in control of my life and I am responsible for the experiences of living. If I do not like the direction I am heading, I alone can choose a new path. Whenever I have become overburdened in my schedule, I alone can hit reset on my life. Even if some of my relationships have turned unhealthy, there is a lot I can do to foster an environment for change. Even this all might be a bit more difficult with this f***ing pandemic. Believe me, I am so tired of it all. Some changes require not just re-establishing a mindset, but also implementing the hard work of making it a reality. Like a divorce. Sometimes these changes require conversations with a partner, an “enemy”, a loved one who may or may not be thinking about the same things. But again, anything is possible.

Things I do these days are: I look hard at my spending. With this Covidiot-uncertainty, rethinking my finances is part of a necessary reset for me. I am rather careful to invest in anything big such as a car, a house, and such. But I will always invest in my health and studies. We just never know and cannot plan anything these days. I also consider my time commitments. My life is pretty stressful and hurried at points. I rush from school-drop-off to work, work 8-hours just to rush back quickly to pick up my son. Then the afternoon-shift and the entertainment programs start. No need to rush from one activity to another, but this is our daily routine. Sometimes, to chill and relax, we go straight home just to read on the couch.

There is great progress to be made in life when I look deeper than my actions and begin checking the motivation behind them. Usually, when I don’t keep my motivations in check, unhealthy ones begin to emerge such as building my own selfish kingdom. The key for me is to check the internal motivations that may have moved me to my current situation.

I hit reset and evaluate my relationships. People are not things and choosing which relationships to keep and which to remove is not as simple as decluttering clothes in my closet. There are some relationships where both parties benefit and there are some relationships where I benefit. Balance is important I guess. But there also should be some relationships in our lives where we are serving and giving and being the one who loves more. Again, balance is important in this area and I evaluate the current relationship in my life.

I figured resetting my life is going to require more than a one-time decision or evaluation. Many times, it is going to require me to rewire my habits from the ground up. My life and many other lives may be a big mess these days but I always keep in mind that I can hit reset if I need to. So can you.

My son started prefacing his requests with this phrase: “I know you are probably going to say no….”. One day I was standing in the kitchen, denying his request for more chocolate for the 9 millionth time, when it hit me: I say no to my kid a lot. I don’t think there is anything wrong with “no”. In fact, I kinda love it because it sets boundaries, it hopefully empowers him to use the word himself, and it is a one-syllable answer to his most annoying question. But it started to feel like my son viewed me as the ultimate naysayer, the one thing standing in between him and fun.

The other day I heard someone say, “Just mostly aim for ‘Yes’ if they [the kids] want anything”. Those words have run through my mind every few days since then. That is approximately 850 times. The idea is that there are certain rules kids need to follow such as “try hard at school”, “be respectful to others”, “go to bed at bedtime”, “eat vegetables and fruit”, and so on, but outside of that, if they want to try something out, just say yes.

Here are some “just-say-yes-moments” that recently happened to me:

• He wants to jump from the sofa to my reading chair and then to my writing desk
• He wants to mix milk and water and take a bath in it like Cleopatra but with goggles on
• He wants to wear pajamas to the grocery store
• He wants to sleep upside down (feet on a pillow)
• He wants to build a huge cave in his room with all the bed-sheets available
• He wants light-up shoes so he can run even faster
• He wants to see if almond milk tastes better when licked off the floor because cats do that.

My knee-jerk reaction is to say no – I mean just take a normal, quick shower, just drink your almond milk – but then I think: why not? If it is not hurting anyone, and he finds it exciting or enticing for some reason, who cares? He might not love the flavor of his drink, but he will feel free and curious. And that is worth it. It is also fun for me to see all the random stuff he comes up with.

On the opposite, what I say yes to all the time is when it comes to reading or writing. Whenever he asks me to read a book to him, even though I am dead tired, I will do it. I currently read one of my favorite books of all time to my son. Momo, by Michael Ende. If you haven’t read it, read it. It is an amazing story for children (6+). Actually, everybody should read this book. Or watch the movie.

I also came up with a little experiment. Three days of saying “Yes” to everything my son asked for. Of course, I established some ground rules that only I knew existed because I live way too far away from Disneyland, and there was no way in hell I will Corona-fly from Vienna to the U.S.of A. Also, I try to avoid Indoor Playgrounds like the plague.

The Rules:

• I can say no, if I want, to repeat requests after the third ask. This is to save me and my wallet from going out to dinner three nights in a row, and to prevent him from watching Netflix four three hours a day)
• No crazy trips to faraway places.
• No toy purchases over Euro 20 for the week
• Nothing that will hurt us or other people
• I reserve the right to override any questionable requests but will do my best to say yes to everything

Day 1- Friday

I started the “Three Days of Yes” raring to go, but quickly realized that my default habit of saying no was deeply ingrained in my brain. He must have sensed something because the second we walked into our home he asked if he could watch Netflix. “Yes,” I said, and I told him I will prepare the pizza for dinner. He loves to make pizza so Netflix was not on his mind anymore and he wanted to help me in the kitchen.

Day 2- Saturday

For breakfast, he asked for a smoothie and my iPad. I made him a frozen banana blueberry smoothie (his favorite) and I let him binge watch Jurassic Park The Series on Netflix. I once again found myself enjoying how nice it is to read in bed and enjoy a nice cup of coffee ( I bought a pretty good coffee machine to enjoy coffee as Viennese people do) while he is in a zombie trance. Win-win for both of us.

Day 3 – Sunday

We have settled into tons of reading, writing, trips, Heurige (awesome wine places here in Austria), and ice cream. Then he asked to go to the beach. Well, we live in Vienna, Austria. No beaches but lakes, so we went to Neusiedler See, which is beach-like. It turned out to be one of the most stress-free three days ever.

The Lesson

It turns out, his wants are not that extreme or extravagant or absurd. He does not need a limousine or asks for tons of candy, and other stuff. He also did not want to order pizza three days in a row but make his own once a week. His asks revealed a desire to help, play, be seen, be independent, and responsible. But I learned that by saying “yes” more often, it allows him to grow, helps me to lighten up and relax as a parent, and also offers up new opportunities for us to connect, play, and bond.

Sure, it is our job as parents to set boundaries, say no, and be the “bad guy.” But saying yes to my kid, and experiencing his exuberance that came along with it, felt really good. So pass the ice cream and crank up The Lego Movie – I am saying yes to saying yes in general. Just don’t ask me to go to an Indoor Playground on a Sunday.