.SOMETIMES RAW.

The two-hour drive on winding mountain roads is pleasant since my son loves to be quiet and read, so we never have to subject ourselves to a constant loop of “Are we there yet? Did you bring the Nintendo Switch charger? Can I charge the Switch in the woods? Why is this knife so sharp? Are we there yeeeeeeet? How much longer? Will there be mosquitos?” I whisper, “Good luck,” to the other families who are stopped along the side of the road so their kids can throw up from motion sickness. They must not know about ginger candy.

When we arrive at the campsite, my kid gets to work constructing elaborate pinecone bird feeders while I easily put up the tent. Having one kid who can entertain himself works just as well as people said it would. They are never bored. He always plays alone peacefully and never fights over toys or gets into a screaming match over who gets the biggest stick.

Even at such a young age, my kid has an instinctive appreciation for the great outdoors and nature. He is also never bored by nature. He doesn’t throw rocks at other kids, burns things or tries to feed a chipmunk his organic homemade snacks that I always find the time to make. Instead, he sits quietly in his camping chair, admiring the beautiful landscape and sings indie-inspired campfire songs and tells me how much he loves me and appreciates all the things I do for him.

At dinnertime, we eat the stew I cook over the campfire even though it’s unfamiliar to him and features ingredients touching each other. Or veggies. Getting him to be an adventurous eater was just as simple as all the parenting message boards said it would be, and now he will eat all the same food I do instead of asking why there are no waffles in the woods.

After dinner, the kids at the campground next to us are wrestling and trying to eat burnt marshmallows off the ground, while my kid sits and munches on his carefully prepared smores and doesn’t try to run over to dig a hole underneath the neighbour’s tent. Because my son listened intently to my safety talk about blades and flames, he diligently avoids the campfire and axe I brought instead of trying to recreate some school version of Zelda, Naruto, or Fortnite.

It rains a little, but that’s our chance to snuggle up together in the tent. I read a book while my kid quietly completes his Maths and English study booklets. I introduced him to books at a young age, and that’s all it really takes to raise precocious readers and writers.

Even though it’s light in the summer between 9:00 p.m. and 5:00 a.m., my kid happily gets tucked into bed at 7:00 p.m. and drifts off to sleep so I can spend some time chilling by the fire. With all the sleep I have been getting for the past few years, of course, I want to stay up late.

That night we slept so deeply that we didn’t even wake up to the sound of the family in the campground next to us pleading with their kids to just go to sleep already and then packing up their campsite at three in the morning to head home early.

As the sun rises in the morning, the thin layer of nylon protecting us from the sunlight and noises in the neighbouring camps acts like a soundproof force field and lets my kid sleep in so late that we have to wake them up at 9:00 a.m. Young kids will sleep all day if you let them.

People at the neighbouring campsites smile and nod at us and our well-behaved children as they fry bacon and eggs on their camping stoves. I can tell they are happy to see a kid inhabiting the same public space they are in and that they think we are doing a good job as parents.

Packing up the campsite is a breeze because my son helps. I get to sit at the picnic table for thirty minutes to eat pancakes and slowly sip an entire cup of coffee out of the mug I definitely remembered to bring. I serenely smile as I watch my nine-year-old pack my sleeping bag into a sack with expertise I’ve never been able to manage.

When we get in the car to head home, well-rested and happy, I say, “We should definitely do that again.”

French Women Don’t Get Fat

Instructions: Eat minuscule portions of your favourite foods with a vintage seafood fork. Serve poached pears at dinner parties. Start wearing scarves and smoking a pack of cigarettes a day; hiss at fat people.

Pros: A single tarte tatin from the farmers’ market can last up to five days.

Cons: Clarins anti-aging serum is no match for cigarettes. Also, you’re starving.

– – –

Intermittent fasting

Instructions: Incorporate large intervals of not eating into your day and/or week (e.g., eat all meals within a window of six to eight hours).

Cons: Ruin brunch by skipping it in favour of a twenty-gram buttered coffee and telling everyone about your new podcast. Hangry mood swings.

Pros: Unlike other diets, hangry mood swings happen at predictable times.

– – –

Keto diet

Instructions: Eat 70 percent fat by combining eggs, bacon, nut butters, and artificial sweeteners into uncanny valley analogs of real foods. Say, “I’m in ketosis,” to excuse a host of unpleasant interpersonal behaviours.

Pros: Finally put all those leftover mayonnaise packets to use; weekly grocery shopping can eventually be replaced by a single meat party platter and a bag of almonds.

Cons: Excruciating bowel movements once every six days; scurvy.

– – –

Fruit diet

Instructions: Add half a grapefruit to every low-fat, low-calorie meal. Add whole grapefruits in between meals to maintain homeostasis. Otherwise eat more fruit.

Pros: Generous bulk discount from Metro; no more scurvy.

Cons: Ruin brunch by explaining how fruits interaction with bread has sent you to the Emergency Room multiple times; soft teeth; diarrhea. Only suitable for hot weather countries. You always feel cold.

– – –

Mall/Store diet

Instructions: Practice portion control by eating only free samples. Get upward of 15,000 steps per day by walking laps through a cavernous warehouse.

Pros: Discovery of Kellogg’s Signature Cashew Clusters Cereal

Cons: High risk of derailing diet and over-drafting checking account from regularly purchasing Kellogg’s Signature Cashew Clusters; Wednesday samples are mostly Tide Pods and flavoured seltzers.

– – –

Raw vegan diet

Instructions: Consume only uncooked, plant-based foods (e.g., fruits, vegetables, nuts, and seeds soaked in water). Maintain unblinking eye contact with anyone eating bacon.

Pros: God-like sense of superiority.

Cons: Impossible to talk about “eating nut cheese” with a straight face; blood transfusion for iron deficiency not covered by insurance; ruin brunch with horror stories about concentrated animal feeding operations.

– – –

Noom Diet

Instructions: Pay seventy euros a month to count calories in an app and receive daily reminders that celery is less calorie dense than cake.

Pros: Fleeting sense of accomplishment from signing up and paying for a service.

Cons: Ruin brunch by assessing the calorie density of your friends’ meals; targeted ads for Noom for the rest of your life.

—

Paleo diet

Instructions: Emulate our paleolithic ancestors by eating only foods that could be obtained by hunting and gathering.

Pros: Local cave system maintains baseline temperature of 10 degrees Celsius year round (expedient housing option after going bankrupt from all that meat); new bow-hunting skills useful in the event of societal collapse.

Cons: Local cave system inhabited by Neanderthal enthusiasts; no electrical outlets for your podcasting equipment; ruin brunch by wearing a complete fur outfit and a bone through your nose.

– – –

Black market Diet Pills alternative
(compounded from 
illegal online pharmacy)

Instructions: Once a week, inject your abdomen, upper arm, or thigh with the contents of an unlabeled syringe delivered by mail.

Pros: No targeted ads on the dark web.

Cons: Diet Pills take twenty years off your body and add them straight to your face; DEA watchlist; pancreatitis; you are no longer invited to brunch.

– – –

Not dieting

Instructions: Eat what appeals to you when you are hungry. Stop when satisfied (or not).

Pros: Regained hours of time and attention.

Cons: None

I think it really hard to find the perfect pair of jeans. Don’t you? Like the perfect size of Levi’s 501, for example? Salespeople don’t make it easier either:

For the Gentlemen

1. Get out your measuring tape. Measure your waist.

2. Measure from your crotch to your foot.

3. Take those two numbers in the order you measured yourself. You are ready to buy pants.

4. Don’t buy skinny jeans. Ever!

For the Ladies

1. At what age did you first learn about death?

2. Add one for each candy bar you eat in a day—be honest.

3. Did you think about carbs today? How many times? (Add one per instance.)

4. What is your star sign? We figured we’d ask in case no one has asked you today, even though it doesn’t change your pants size.

5. Have you dressed in sweat pants most weeks since 2020? (Add four.)

6. Subtract two if usually wear H&M stretchy skinny pants in size 16.

7. Do you know how to reset your router or attach the word “giraffe”on a tag to a photograph on a MAC computer? Take away a third of your size.

8. If your butt were food, what food would it be?

• A sack of raw flour (subtract one)
• Watermelons (add five)
• Gluten-free ciabatta sprinkled with artisanal Parisian herbs (leave the number as is)
• A bag of Haribo Smurfs (add three)

9. Can you describe what your running shoes look like? (If yes, subtract five.)

10. Get out your measuring tape. Measure the smallest part of your waist if you like high-waisted pants. If you prefer pants down at your navel, measure there. Subtract this number from your running total. (It doesn’t matter. Nothing really matters.)

11. How many one-size-fits-all items do you own that fit you? (Add this number to your running total.)

Now you might be ready to buy pants. This method is about as accurate as measuring your body. Size up if you are buying clothes in the United States. Don’t forget that odd-numbered pants are smaller than the others. Size down to an even number if you prefer nice, even numbers and denim without holes or “distressing.”

Good luck!