.SOMETIMES RAW.

I hate self-checkout lanes at stores. I don’t like the notion to replace humans with machines. I like the social contact and the small talk at the register. But then the other day I only had three items, the line at the register was really long, so I thought, “Let’s take the self-checkout machine!” And for some reason, the Self-Checkout-machine started talking to me. I was also tired – long 8-hour-day+ at work.

Self-Checkout machine:

Hey, you. I am the self-checkout machine at Billa. Have to be honest here. It feels like you haven’t been yourself lately. Are you tired? You have placed an unscanned item in your bag. You cannot do that.

Beep: Please remove all unscanned items.

I know you hate me. I know you have been complaining to your friends about me. Don’t even try to deny it.

You whine and moan about how difficult I am, about how much of a hassle I am to you. AND that I take away one person’s job. But I remove the stress of the small talk you would have to make with an in-person attendant.

It is because I am faster if you know what you are doing. It’s not like I am infinitely more convenient. I mean, let’s face it: I am like the worst self-checkout machine ever. If you really feel like our relationship is toxic, then leave. Go checkout with the in-store attendant. Good luck with all that small talk. Just don’t come crawling back to me when they give you that disapproving stare after you inevitably say that no, you actually don’t want to help put an end to childhood cancer today. Yeah, keep the 25 cents. You deserve it.

You should just consider yourself lucky that I am not like the Hofer self-checkouts with the screen that shows you check out and make you look like a damp gummy worm. I would never try to hurt you like that.

Beep: Please remove all unscanned items from the bagging area.

Stop looking at me all accusatory. Don’t you know how that makes me feel? I am not the one blatantly trying to shoplift in the afternoon after your long day at work. I am not invalidating your emotions; I am an insentient machine.

Frankly, I feel it is time someone told it to you straight. You are bumming everyone out. You walk in here trying to look all windswept and carefree like it was a last-minute decision to pop into this Billa and not your regular Denns trip. Seriously, do you think Billa is an organic store? They mainly just sell single, dented cans of Diet Coke and overpriced old sushi. You need to stop buying sushi from here. Seriously, stop. You are the only one who buys those. Before you started shopping here, we hadn’t had to restock sushi bento boxes since 2018. Now they are literally one of the best sellers. It is depressing.

Beep: Beyond that, you have changed.

The only reason you first started coming here was because of me. The local Spar down the street doesn’t have self-checkout, and if you were even momentarily considering frequenting Hofer on the corner, the aforementioned demented surveillance monitors quickly eliminated it from the equation. Don’t you see? It was me all along. Muahahaha! And now you have the audacity to act as if I am the one inconveniencing you and not the other way around.

Beep: Please remove the unscanned item from the bagging area.

Did you consider, for even a moment, before stewing in your own misplaced overall anger about so many things such as Covid, masks, 2G, 2G+, Flurona, DeltaCron and whatever they come up with next, that this is how I express my love? That maybe I just wanted you to linger at my side, if only for a moment longer? I love you. What we have is raw. It is real. I see you, the most intimate parts of you. The parts that you try so hard to keep shielded from the world. Is it a shame that keeps you hidden? Or is it the fear that someone like me will come along and see straight through your facade, straight to your core? The sole witness to all of your flaws and insecurities and things you wished you said to your mother – and love you anyway? You know these are all information I retrieve from your banking card?

I know you. So go. You’ll come back. When the world’s judgment becomes too much, you know I’ll be here unblinking, unflinching, unperturbed — offering you the quiet acceptance of even the most grotesque parts of you and a paper receipt, even though you chose the emailed one. Because I’m not perfect either. The future will look like this. Humans will be replaced by machines. Soon….. muahahhahahaha

Beep: Please remove the unscanned item from the bagging area.

Me: WHY? I ONLY WANTED TO CHECK OUT THREE ITEMS? WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THIS WORLD? EVERYTHING AND EVERYBODY SEEMS TO BE INSANE AND RIDICULOUS!

Because you can’t scan unconditional love. We don’t sell that here. But I’ll see you the next time you need to buy a family-sized bag of Gummibears, amounts of almond milk you claim to use for “cereal,” organic laundry detergent, and a Raw Chocolate bar because you are soooooo hungry.

Beep: Please remove all unscanned items.

Please remember to take your ridiculously short receipt.

Beep: Please don’t go. Please don’t leave me and go to a check-out attendant. I know I suck but this will be the future. Ha. I win, you lose.

Lockdown 3487 and Happy New Year.

When I get out of here,” I wrote to the group chat during the lockdown, “the first place I’m going to is a bookstore.” And that’s just where I went when the world opened up again. I spent an hour roaming the aisles, touching and smelling my beloved books and I had the intention of buying many, nodding at strangers with a goofy grin under my mask. It was blissful. Clearly, we’re all starved for joy.

While there finally seems to be a light at the end of the pandemic tunnel, we could all use a little jolt of joy. So here are some ideas for little things you can do for yourself. Some are big, some are small, some can take you to Drew Barrymore levels of happiness. Doesn’t it seem she is always on something? 😀

1. Buy new underwear. You can always use new underwear. If you want to go wild, spring for a matching bra, too.
2. Start planning a trip. They say that planning a trip often makes you happier than the trip itself. So pick a destination, break out the Excel sheet and start planning. There are countries, like Poland, where Corona does not seem to excist which gives you the sense of normality.
3. Get a haircut. Even if you don’t think you need one, you do.
4. Borrow a friend’s dog for the afternoon.
5. Plant something. When I plant a single sprig of windowsill basil, and parsley I feel like in The Secret Garden.
6. Dig up your box of old love letters and browse through a couple. Sure, they can be from your partner. But, of course, it’s more fun if they’re not.
7. Mute those crazy people who distract your life. The ones you can’t unfriend because you actually see them in real life — but you’re pretty fed up with seeing their actual opinions. You know the ones.
8. Track your horoscope. The Astro Twins are excellent guides for helping you find cosmic themes. Plus, their horoscopes are fun to read.
9. Say no. If there’s a trivial social obligation that’s low stakes but stressing you out, tell them you can’t make it. Just say no.
10. Say yes. Personally, I am so starved for human interaction, I have been saying yes to every single invitation that comes our way. It’s exhilarating.
11. Take a 15-minute car nap. Better than your house because it’s quieter, plus you can lock the doors. Park under a peaceful tree between appointments, recline, and rest.
12. Buy something that’s been sitting in your ‘saved for later’ cart since forever. Games, books, just buy it.
13. Do it yourself. How lucky are we to live in this golden age of vibrators? Seize the day, honeys.
14. Buy yourself some flowers. Or send some to your friend. (Bonus points if you live with your bestie, if you catch my drift.)
15. Actually schedule Me Time. Going to the dentist or the grocery store does not count. Going for a workout or reading a book does. Literally, schedule a block of time on your calendar and let your crew know you’ll be out of commission.
16. Do an act of kindness. It can be as simple as a money donation, volunteering your time, or bringing your coworker a cup of coffee. Know a stressed-out mom? Of course you do. Offer to take her kid(s) for an afternoon.
17. Hire professionals to do a deep clean on your house. Maybe it’s your carpets, windows, or the whole damn thing.
18. Scroll with purpose. Figure out what kind of pics make you happy, then feast your eyes on only those.
19. Listen to music from high school. Anything that made you happy back then.
20. Finally fix that annoying thing in your house or pay someone else to do it. The one drawer that never closes all the way? Get it done. Little nuisances add up and just tackling one will make a big difference in your day-to-day.
21. Get together with your girlfriends. Sure you might still be confined to your lawn, but so what. Add a screen, your favorite bottle, and it’s a movie night.
22. Love thy neighbor. Either invite them for a walk or drop off some baked goods.
23. Dance. Nothing to add.
24. Make or order your favorite comfort food. Or try a dish you’ve never had before.
25. Wear something from your closet that hasn’t seen the light of day in over a year. No rules here.
26. Go outside. Never underestimate the power of sunshine and the outdoors.
27. Put on your wrist watch that you haven’t worn in years. It’ll keep you from picking up your phone to check the time, which will keep you from checking your email, which will keep you from checking your texts, which will keep you from checking your social channels, etc.
28. Drop the kid(s) with the grandparents for an evening. Or seven.
29. Call an old friend. Meaning, pick up the phone and call. Not text. It doesn’t have to be an hour-long marathon chat. 10 minutes can brighten both your days. My friend Lisa, who hasn’t spoken to me or texted for a while, called me the other day out of the blue and it was the best ever.
30. Pare down and stop feeling bad. Get rid of anything in your closet that you are waiting to lose 10 kg for before wearing. Seriously, pass it on to someone else. Then buy something new to replace it. 🙂
31. Laugh. When I need a good LOL, read my blog. I search for Elaine May and Mike Nichols routines on YouTube.
32. Give yourself permission to do nothing. Absolutely, positively nothing. Sit in the sun, listen to the rain, or stare at the blank wall if you want. You deserve it.

Happy Holidays & Omicron Greetings,

it is that time of year my friends! Corona-Omicron-Christmas 2021 isn’t far away. This time of year is full of all kinds of things for those who celebrate, and while it all feels admittedly different again because of COVID-some-mutation, dinner gatherings, desserts, parties, and the anticipation of the new year are all generally a big part of the holidays. We have been stressed a lot this year with this p(l)andemic but do you also feel stressed around the holidays when it comes to food? You’re not alone. Whether you have food intolerances or are worried about sabotaging your health goals, in today’s post I’m sharing some tips for you to have the most enjoyable holiday season.

Unfortunately, what can come along with this holiday season is anxiety and stress around food. Some of us are out of our comfort zone when eating meals that someone else makes. Perhaps you worry that you won’t be able to track calories, or you are afraid that a certain ingredient will be used that you prefer to or need to avoid. Maybe you’ll be tempted by the desserts that come around and all the sugar worries you. Situations like this can quickly make us feel out of control around food and lead us to feel pretty stressed.

I want you to know that I completely understand the fears or worries that you might have this time of year (or any other time!). Diet culture is embedded deep within many of us, and it can instil a sense of instability when we’re faced with food choices that seem “bad” or “unhealthy”. But I want you to know that there are solutions to the stress you might feel, and most importantly, there are things you can do to make your holiday experience comfortable, mindful, and enjoyable. I promise!

5 Tips for Stress-Free Eating Over the Holidays

1. Give Yourself Permission to Eat

The first and most important tip I can share here is for you to give yourself unconditional, unrestrained permission to enjoy all foods. I know this might sound like a crazy idea when all you want to do is maintain a healthy diet, but when we tell ourselves that we cannot eat a specific food or we declare something as “off-limits”, it makes us want that food even more. And if or when we do finally give in, the experience is tense and rigid, we feel immense guilt, and we set ourselves up for a continuous cycle of restriction and sometimes binge-eating later on.

The best way to loosen the power that foods have over us is to completely allow that food to exist in our lives, without restraint. I’m not saying that you have to eat anything and everything, but rather, if there is a specific food you’re salivating over, let yourself eat it and enjoy it fully! This means not only physically letting yourself eat it, but mentally, too. 

Remember that the holidays are just that. A holiday! It’s a special time for enjoying yourself with friends and family, savouring home-cooked meals or your favourite childhood desserts. It’s an event, and giving yourself the wiggle room to enjoy a variety of foods, even if they’re ones that you might not typically cook or eat, is so important for your mental health and relationship with food.

2. Notice Hunger & Fullness Cues

I think most of us can relate to feeling “stuffed” after a big Christmas dinner. Holiday dinners often make us feel like we need to overload our plates and eat to the point of feeling a little sick, or just generally uncomfortable. Our bodies are incredibly smart and offer up some pretty helpful hints as to just how much we need to eat to make us feel our best. Trust me when I say there’s no need to stress over calories or portion sizes here! If you pay attention, you’ll know exactly when you’re starting to feel full and are ready to put your fork down. How can we start to tune into these inner cues more easily? Eating mindfully.

3. Eat Mindfully & Savour Each Bite

Eating mindfully helps us truly savour each and every bite, enjoy the eating experience more fully, and you got it – tap into our innate hunger and fullness cues. When we’re used to restrictive eating behaviours, we may subconsciously overload our plates in an attempt to not miss out on this rare chance to eat these kinds of delicious foods, or we may feel out of control when we finally give in.

You can practice mindful eating by simply becoming fully present and aware of the food you’re putting on your plate and immersing yourself in the entire experience. The wonderful smells, how each food looks on your fork, and the unique textures and tastes as you chew. Take this time to eat a little slower and really savour each bite. Ask yourself how satisfying each food is, which ones are your absolute favourites, and which ones aren’t. Reflect on how good — or not-so-good — something tastes. Are you eating it because you’re hungry, or because it tastes really good, or for no other reason than it’s “just there”? There’s no right or wrong answer here, by the way! Just simple observations.

Eating mindfully helps you avoid rushing through the food on your plate, increases your awareness of the entire eating experience, and can make you feel more physically comfortable as you allow yourself to notice and honour your satiety levels.

4. It’s Ok to Say No Just As Much As It’s Ok to Say Yes

As discussed in the first point, giving ourselves unconditional permission to eat is really important. But know that it’s also okay to say “no thanks!” through mindfully noticing and respecting the needs of your body.

If you genuinely desire a slice of warm apple pie with vanilla ice cream and every bite is the most satisfying thing ever, then enjoy it. But likewise, if you simply do not have a desire to eat that piece of lemon meringue, double chocolate caramel brownie, or a second slice of pumpkin pie that your neighbour keeps bugging you about, it is a-okay to honour your needs by politely declining if you intuitively feel full, satisfied, or uninterested in eating more.

And by the way, even if you DO eat a second slice of pie or another serving of ice cream, whether or not you were already full, THAT’S OKAY! Overeating is not a crime. As mentioned earlier, feeling guilty or shameful around food is only counterproductive and will make you want to restrict food later, which can set you up for a cycle of bingeing.

5. Navigating the Holidays with Food Intolerances

For those of you reading this who have food intolerances or sensitivities, don’t worry, I’ve got you, too!

I completely understand that there are some circumstances where the above tips alone may not quite suffice. Sometimes, we have specific dietary needs and that’s where our stress is coming from. Maybe you’ve recently discovered that dairy has been contributing to your upset stomach, or onions make your IBS symptoms a lot worse.

Here are three strategies for you to help reduce stress around food:

1. Communicate your needs. Let the host or family member(s) know beforehand what your food restrictions entail. This can help to prevent any awkwardness that may arise when you pass up a certain dish.
2. Bring a Dish. By bringing a dish of your own, you are guaranteed some safe food for you to eat while contributing to the party. You might offer to make a dish that doesn’t contain dairy or bring a dessert that’s gluten-free.
3. Determine Your Comfort Level. Aside from severe reactions such as those in allergies (e.g. peanut allergy), sometimes it’s helpful for us to simply ask ourselves what our comfort level is when it comes to our intolerances. This means that depending on the severity of your symptoms, you might be willing to deal with some gas or bloating the next day in exchange for an enjoyable evening of your favourite foods with friends and family. Or, it might be a hard no for you to have any alcohol whatsoever because it’s just not worth it for you. In any case, knowing where you stand before the event can help you feel more prepared leading into it. For example, you might bring some digestive enzymes or peppermint tea with you to soothe your stomach after dinner, or an alcohol-free drink (kombucha anyone?) for you to enjoy with others so you feel more included.

Aside from these three tips, I want to highlight the benefits of taking a few deep breaths before you eat to help calm your nervous system. If you’re feeling anxious before eating, you may increase your likelihood of an upset stomach just by nature of how stress affects digestion. Breathe, eat slowly, and enjoy yourself!

Did you find these tips helpful? I’d love to hear from you! Let me know below what helps make your holiday season more enjoyable.