.SOMETIMES RAW.

Hello, 144? I know about the Corona-Virus situation and all that, but I pinched a f****** nerve in my lower back and cannot move. It hurts so much!!! Sorry, I curse more in isolation. I think it is Monday, but I don’t really know. Currently, it’s 10 pm. Can you send an ambulance? Oh, you cannot because it is not really an emergency and you won’t give me an injection. I understand that my case is not really important but still, what can I do? Okay, sounds good but I cannot walk to the pharmacy. I also cannot send my 6-year-old son. I will call a friend, then. Oh, yes I have a son. I am not busy right now since I am laying on the floor unable to move. Are you busy right now? Do you have time to talk a bit until my friend arrives? Nice. How do you feel? Super tired, eh? I figured. Must be busy in the emergency room these days. Damn, you work double-shifts? This is hard, but I am really glad you guys are here for us. Yep, I do understand what you say. [Extreme Vienna Accent]

I understand you have to hang up if someone else calls. Two children? Oh wow, I have enough work with one. Since you have two children, you know how crazy this time is for all of us. What I did before I pinched the nerve? Do you mean all day? I have taken a shower, fired off at least 40 frantic WhatsApp messages to 5 people, one of which was to a co-worker. I have consumed a cup of coffee and finished reading book number 6 since being in isolation. People ask me what I am going to do today and I sent them a floor plan of my 85 square meter apartment. That’s what I am doing. I may move from the kitchen to the living room and back. I walked up the staircase 10 times with my son. Then I made lunch. I really deserved this plate of pasta with salmon sauce after my first highlight of the day: one hour of Intermediate 2 Yoga with this app earlier this morning. My son and I are on our mats next to each other in Downward Facing Dog laughing at each other. Awe, you think this is cute?

Later, we walked to the local organic supermarket Denns which was like the shot of espresso with hope-dust mixed in that I knew I wanted but didn’t realize how badly I needed. This was the second highlight of my day. Have you been able to inhale fresh air today? You would rather be at home with your children? Okay, your husband is with your children at least. My ex-husband didn’t even call or text to ask how his son is doing. Or how I am doing. Work? I do miss work. Did I just say this? I really do. Work, and my routine. This is what I miss the most.

Well, today was not different from yesterday and not different from the day before. I think that is what it’s like when you are in survival mode. I mention it because last night when I was FaceTiming with my mom, she said something like, “To be perfectly honest, I feel more in my element than usual. I am a survivor. We keep it cool here at Homebase.” I wish I could be there right now instead of being here. Here, with a pinched nerve and not able to move or even leave the country. But when she said that, it clicked for me. Her survival mood mentality for a very long time is actually the sensation of living in the heightened state of survival mode where not time exists beyond the time that’s right in front of you. You think so, too? There is no planning beyond the one hour, 12 hours, if you are lucky, 24 hours ahead because there’s not enough information to think further out. Nobody expected anything like this to happen. Or to this extent at least. All you have and all you know is what confronts you at the moment. Like with my pinched nerve. Damn, it hurts. Well, he says he is on his way. He should be here soon. Do you have to hang up? Okay, awesome. Hahah, funny, you like to listen to my story? I should write it all down? Hey, you know what? I might, actually. So, trying to prepare for any period beyond that frame is futile. Too much is changing and it is happening so quickly. You know what I mean? I realize that I am most comfortable in this heightened state of paradoxically routine panic and chaos, too. It can make me feel like a prisoner of my own life when there is no reason to panic. But hey, on Friday, 13th of March, when they announced they will close the United Nations in Vienna, I panicked a bit. All I wanted to do was pick up my son and run home as quickly as possible. You, too? Yeah, must be the mother-thing. My friend does not maintain this quality. He thinks years ahead of me. That’s one of the primary things that I like and what attracts me about him, this sense of psychological freedom I could feel emanating from him.

It was a long day and my reactions to it fluctuate. Maybe I shouldn’t have done the intermediate Yoga class but I have been practicing Yoga for years. I guess some days are clouded by paralyzing energy that is dark and depleting. It puts a question mark at the end of every thought I have and adds a veil of desperation to my every pursuit. Oh, you know what I am trying to say? I am still so charmed that you listen to me throughout this insane time. You do think we will get through this! I hope it won’t take too long. I have been awake for an hour each night for the past week thinking about what will happen. See, if it would be just me, the situation would be different. But it is my son and I. I am responsible for him. And this pinched nerve throws the little bit of sanity we established out of balance.

Yes, we do have food and water. Thank you for asking. My friend is almost here. He just sent me a message that he was able to get the pain medication you recommended. So, let’s hope for the best. My brain is a prison, and anxiety is the warden these days. At this point, this pinched nerve is so painful that I am besieged by an undeniable urge to peel off my skin like the layers of an onion and I find relief in its cool embrace, and I know it took me a long time to finally call and I wasn’t even 100% sure if a pinched nerve qualified as an emergency.

The doorbell rings. He is here. Thank you so much for listening. And thank you for risking your life while saving ours. Keep it up. Have a safe night. And in some odd way, we should even thank the CoronaVirus. For shaking us and showing us that we are dependent on something much bigger than we think. Like the abundance of products, freedom, and health. And realizing we are taking it for granted. To see how lost we were in the “busy-ness” not having time for the most basic things. And for allowing us to put aside all the problems we thought were so important.

Emergency Dispatcher: [let’s call her Frau Fischer]: “Wow, what a nice chat, Daniela. Make sure to keep yourself and your son safe in this crazy time. Also, write about this conversation. I hope you feel better soon!”

“My mother was right. When you have nothing left, all you can do is to get into silk underwear and start reading Proust” – Jane Birkin

What is your “Quarantine-Read”? My neighbors don’t seem to read. Yesterday, they had a huge fight. Their window was open. So was mine. Being stuck inside is getting to everyone eventually I guess. The woman: “I CANNOT believe I got married to you! I must have been completely drugged up! YOU SUCK! I want a DIVORCE!” The man: “I would leave right now, but I cannot. I AM STUCK HERE WITH YOU, F*** you, Corona!” (Ha! Not the wifey’s name!)

When I think about romance, I think of two kinds of relationships: the “opposite attracts” and the “kindred spirits” relationships. The former is the classic, the one we are taught to aspire to as kids. This couple is made up of two opposites, centered around the passion and attraction that mystery causes. We are curious about and drawn to other beings because of their dissimilarities to ourselves. It makes sense to be fascinated by our counterparts, and we can learn a lot by hanging out with our opposite. Not to mention the biological sense behind falling in love with someone physically different from us to have happy, healthy, genetically mixed babies with. I like to be with my “kindred spirit”. I am sure this type of relationship has been around for as long as the “opposite attract” version, but it seems to be going through a renaissance. In a society where feminism is becoming mainstream, and where equality is slowly starting to be valued over tradition, a new type of #relationshipgoals is natural.

For those of us who care very little about tradition and gender, and a lot more about self-realization and freedom of societal demands, a romance is less about who opens the door for whom and who picks up the check on the date. Instead, it is more about being heard and seen and encouraged and wanted. For you. Not for the typical properties of your gender. To be honest, I never want to be treated as The Woman of the relationship. I want to be treated as Daniela – an equal. And when I look at my partner, I don’t see the man/the woman. I see my partner. I see a person I am passionately in love with. I couldn’t care less about his masculinity/femininity. I still wonder what that could possibly have to do with anything? At all?

When I look at my partner I want to see my teammate and my coach. My manager and best friend, my personal trainer and my inspiration. I want to see someone who’s got my back (no pun intended, stupid pinched nerve) and makes me feel courageous. I want to see a capable, beautiful, fascinating human being whom I cannot get enough of, but sometimes get completely fed up with. This type of relationship might not be for everyone, but it works for me. A partner and I are still two people, but we would share one life. Crazy, no? We would sometimes get on each other’s nerves, argue, and make up after. But we always communicate. I want someone who, whatever my next semi-brilliant idea will be, won’t ask why? He will ask why not.

Here some ideas for the making of a happy relationship. Just in case you need it. Again, being stuck at home calls for a lot of thinking. Don’t kill your significant other just yet.

Don’t fear change. In this crazy time, this is very important. Things change. Situations change. It is vital that the person I am with is not holding me back or is scared of me changing and trying new things. It can be terrifying to see people you love move in a new direction, but it is all about trust.

Learn how to fight properly. We all get annoyed and stressed out. Even if we don’t want to, it happens. There is no perfect couple, but there are happy couples. Those are the ones who respect each other enough to never get out of line and become truly mean. No name-calling, issue threats or ultimatums or go after each other’s sore spots on purpose. Even when arguing, I want to know that my partner is not out to hurt me. Also, happy couples are good at apologizing and forgiving. If there is real love for one another, it is easy to move on.

Having the same rhythm. This could mean anything from being on the same page with our views and philosophies or what my dreams and hopes are. How much hang-out time versus alone time we need or how we both get inspired by the same movies, books etc. The more I am feeling the same beat, the easier things will be. Not that you cannot have a happy relationship with someone you are completely different from (loves tomatoes/detests tomatoes). I believe you can. Whatever works for you. I am sharing what works for me.

Miscellaneous things that come to my mind: Ask questions. All of them, even the tough ones. Then listen attentively. Take your partner for a long walk. Reconnect. Look at things together. Sometimes that is all it takes. Surprises: little gifts, spontaneous date nights. Start something together: gym, train for something, courses. Whatever adventure you embark on, make it yours and dream big. Obviously, respect the basics: honesty, loyalty, trust, and adoration. Show them you love them. Telling isn’t enough. Kitchen sessions, meaning: Spend quality time in the kitchen, give them a glass of wine and a kiss. And chocolate. Then talk about stuff. For hours. Put on some music, cook together. Repeat once every two weeks. Tell them you love them. Showing it isn’t enough.

Conquer the world together. Simple, isn’t it?

I am so glad you want to visit me here in Vienna. Good to hear from you. Unfortunately, I am out of town and it is a bummer that we miss each other. I will be missing in action for a while because my boyfriend, my son and I are sneaking away for a bit to travel and purchase a house in Morocco since we think it is a great investment. We will rent it out later on and get security to protect it when we are not in Morocco obviously. Also, while we are there, we write a book together. It is all planned out. The title is “Faster than the Speed of Love”. We are super stoked about it.  Do you like it? But we will discuss all the details when we meet soon. No worries.

In any case, I know you are only around for a couple of days but here are the restaurants you should definitely check out while in town. For breakfast, you have to try French Insanity in the 3rd District. They usually open by 8 am but if you are not in line by  5.30 am, forget it. On their menu is one slice of french toast wrapped in wax paper. You are only allowed to purchase one and they usually run out by  8.10 am. They don’t serve cinnamon, butter or anything else with it. They also hate maple syrup. Sorry, I know, you still claim to live in Canada but their french toast is so good that it does not need maple syrup. Trust me! They do offer ketchup though and for whatever reason three cinnamon-raisin bagels and a large French Vanilla Latte for Euro 20. They say that this is the perfect food for diabetics. No clue why they add that in fine print at the end of the menu because it is actually bad for diabetics. Go figure.

For lunch, I would recommend Antonio’s in the 4th District. Not the Original Antonio’s since the Italian mob burned down the entire building when some gang members wanted to invade and take over. It is still the best Italian food in town though. I go there, like 5 times a week for lunch. Okay, technically it is not in the city. It is actually a little stand at the main concourse of the minor-league soccer team outside of Vienna; close to the suburbs. You also have to take the train to get there and purchase a ticket to see a soccer game, but hey, this should not deter you. You will love it. Everything on the menu is awesome. Try the triple-layer cake. It is ridic. Overall, the food is to die for. FYI: Watch out for any open trunks on cars close to the river.

If you don’t like Italian food, try Holy I Do Not Give A Shit Basil in the 6th District. This is close to where I live. Their food is all vegetarian but you will think it is gluten/dairy free paleo autoimmune diet food. The awesome thing is that they grow all their food right in the restaurant, so you get the real table-to-table experience. Another highlight is that this restaurant is right next to the used-book store that is never open but they have a great selection. Another option for supper: I would recommend the amazingly authentic Pho restaurant PHO-Me-NOW. However, you cannot get in there without a Vietnamese passport. It is kind of difficult to track those down but it is so worth it. Let me know if you need help with this and I introduce you to “my guy”. With him, it is no problem if you cannot get your paperwork in order on time. Trust me. They also change your kid’s passport overnight. Unless you reported your wife at Immigration Austria that she forged your signature on the application for your son’s passport just because you are angry and know that she just tried to get a new passport with an updated picture in it so they recognize the child at the airport. I know of a case when someone actually did that in Canada. Can you believe it? How pathetic is this guy, eh?! I know you would never do such a thing, so check out this Pho Restaurant for sure.

Another alternative for supper is “Le Bukowski’s aka The Buck Typewriter“ which is in the 3rd District. It is another new French restaurant that opened recently by a guy who is going through a divorce and threatens his wife via emails. Word on the street is that he opened this restaurant even though he got kicked off the TV-Show “Top French Onion Soups where Onions Simmer in Red Wine” because one of his recipes killed a judge and someone else made a way better onion soup. It is a little pricey but in the long run, every course will change your life. Some of them in ways you will never expect. It is all so worth it. The baguette they serve made me realize that I am not really afraid of anything anymore and that I am strong. I mean, wow, right? Try the Absinthe or Ricard they served with or before the appetizer. It is stimulating.

Otherwise, Spinners in the 6th District is a great fun diner (diner/dinner). Heads up: the service is a little slow and do not try to get the black bubble gum from the bubble gum machine to eat there for free. You will waste too much money.  The original staff from the sixties is mostly still there. They only added some desperate students who need money. When a server or cook dies, they do not replace them so the kitchen gets pretty backlogged. Enjoy looking at the pictures all around the restaurant while you desperately wait for your food though. You cannot purchase the artwork. If you want the full Spinners-experience order the “Hungry Man”. They put sawdust in it, which Bob, the owner insists is some kind of old tradition. It tastes horrible at first and you think it is the worst breakfast you ever had. The second bite is better though and then you will end up loving it. Also, do not mention that you are from France. Mr. Bob doesn’t like immigrants and has some “opinions”.

Ready for dessert? How come no matter how full you are, there is always room for dessert? Okay, so there is this great place you have to check out. It is called EXtremely INSecure in the 7th District. It is Japanese I believe. It is close to the hotel where you are staying. Just one block down the road actually. They have this amazing ice cream with savory toppings such as gravy, paprika or balsamic vinegar. The sweet/salty craze is all over town these days since it is so hot.  If you like it, maybe we can go together one day. Let me know what you end up doing while you are in town. And have fun.