.SOMETIMES RAW.

*Honest advice for anyone with a job

I have had two main jobs in the past eighteen years and have followed a somewhat linear pattern: law enforcement. My career decisions have been based on a) desperation b) spontaneity and c) curiosity. Because of my experience, friendliness and many years in service, I have met a lot of awesome people and gathered knowledge from different cultures, environments and roles. I have spent time with people from all areas of life and countries. All stages of their careers allow me to understand, learn and observe how they do what they do. Or not do.

There are numerous unspoken rules that exist in the world of work. I will considerately share them in this article, so you don’t have to go through the trouble I have had. Just know I have suffered for you. I can write about making mistakes, failing, blagging, bullshitting, saying the wrong things, and doing the wrong things because I have been there. I am guilty of practically everything you are about to read. Head held high, I can admit I have embarrassed myself a lot, I have got myself into some humiliating situations and I have made questionable decisions or said the wrong things at the wrong time. (Story of my life!) On the other hand, I have surprised and impressed myself too.

This article will provide you with the insights that I wish I would have had at the start of my career, but make no mistake, they never stop being helpful, no matter what stage you are at in life.

1. No One Knows What They Are Doing. Neither Should You. Everyone makes it up as they go along. You don’t have to have all the answers to do a good job.
2. You Will Have Regrets. We are told not to have regrets, but I have a bucketful. But if you learn from them (which I did), they can actually be useful experiences.
3. Learn the Art of Bullshitting: There are three types of people in the world. a) those who bullshit, b) those who believe other people’s bullshit and c) those who believe their own bullshit (aim to be here!)
4. Everyone’s Creative, Even You. If you are feeling particularly uncreative, switch up your environment. A lack of inspiration is external, not internal. Remember: No one gives a shit about you.
5. There is nothing Wrong With Wanting to Make Money. But happiness should be your priority, and you can’t buy it. If you are not happy within yourself, you will remain that way whether you are in a Lamborghini or a Fiat Panda. You cannot heal an open wound with a 100 Euro note.
6. The World is Full of Assholes. Approximately 8 % (This is a made-up statistic. But from past experience, I am sure it’s pretty accurate) of people in every office are assholes, unpleasant characters with a lot of shit on their shoulders. The challenge is not to become one.
7. A Fat Lie: Many of us were raised to believe we could be anything we wanted. That anything we set our minds to is achievable. Unfortunately, the real world is tough and unpredictable. Sometimes working hard isn’t enough. Opportunities don’t come knocking at your door, you have to go out and find them. Have a little self-compassion and don’t knock on your boss’s door to sleep with him.
8. Don’t Work for Free. Internships are a great way of making new connections and gaining valuable experience but beware of working for free. When you start out, you will find people will ask you favors because “it will look good on your CV”. The choice is yours, but just because you are inexperienced doesn’t mean your time isn’t worth something.
9. The C-Word. “Career” belongs in the past. Think of it as “jumping between ladders”, instead of climbing up the same one.
10. You Will Be Disappointed. Often, something unexpected happens and everything goes downhill. It is good to reserve a bit of room for setbacks, and when things do go the way you had hoped, you will be that much more appreciative.
11. Stop Comparing Yourself to Others. We all have different journeys and we are all operating at different speeds.
12. Never Say “Think Outside the Box”. What box? Why are you thinking inside a box? There are no excuses and no exceptions; if you catch yourself saying this you might as well lock yourself in a box and never come out.
13. Everyone’s faking it. The moment powerful words are plucked from the dictionary and used to sound important in emails they lose their meaning. Watch your words. Really consider what you are saying and writing and avoid the predictable jargon and lazy clickés.
14. Fuck up and Fail. Make all the mistakes. You have got to b bad before you get good. The faster you fuck up, the faster you will learn the lesson. Not fucking up is actually worse. But at some point, stop fucking up because after some time you really look dumb.
15. You are a Walking/Talking Billboard of you. It takes under two seconds for someone to form an opinion of you, without even opening your mouth. A mushroom T-shirt with soy sauce stains isn’t helping people take you seriously.
16. Use Your Time Wisely. Time is the one thing you can’t get back. Consider it a currency and spend it well.
17. Your Education Doesn’t Mean Shit. Glowing exam results, impressive qualifications, or the fact you did X, Y, or Z before do not decide how successful you will be later in life.
18. High Intention and low expectations on Success, Destiny, Luck, and Money
19. Remain as flexible as possible: Your only concerns are the things you can control – your thoughts and actions.
20. Things pass, it’s just one thing after another. Don’t work so hard to impress people.
21. Assumption Is the Mother of All Fuckups. Ask, clarify, ask again.
22. Having an opinion is Important: Because it shows you are passionate, demonstrates critical thinking, provokes healthy debates, Invites new discussions, and encourages others to share their own views.
23. Know what’s Going On: Have a vague idea of what’s happening in the world, so you don’t look like an ignorant airhead
24. There are Lots of Bad Bosses Out There: Just because they are your boss doesn’t mean they are a good role model or leader. Shitty bosses lead to unhappy employees and an unhealthy work environment. If your office has issues you can usually point to the people at the top. There is something about authority going to a person’s head, metamorphosing them into bad-tempered bastards on a power trip.
25. People Will Judge You: They will always find something not to like. So, you might as well embrace everything about yourself, flaws and all. You do you, haters gonna hate.
26. Sick Days: Sometimes the idea of going to work might be too unbearable. When this happens, I suggest you call in sick, take the day off. Every once in a while, we must all succumb to a “chronic migraine”. This, my friend, is a healthy white lie. It is just another way of making sure you are looking after yourself. And, don’t feel guilty; everyone does it at some point.
27. Work is not Life: You need to establish some boundaries. Period!
28. Don’t be a Dick: Those people gain nothing from their stinky attitude. These people go about their dickish daily lives oblivious to the display of middle fingers targeted behind their backs. Be equally pleasant to everyone, from the window cleaner to the boss.
29. On Language: The job is to do the right thing for the client, not the right thing for your creativity. Put your romantic ideas aside and say what you need to say in the most effective way. If you are going to argue, do it as if you are presenting a case in court – it must be balanced and measured, not emotional.
30. Always Be Prepared. Shit happens. Deal with it.
31. Never Say the F-Word: Companies that refer to themselves as a “family” are usually disguising something. This is most likely code for “everyone’s secretly miserable and our culture is toxic”. It’s a clever leadership tactic, leading to employees working for free and staying way beyond their contracted hours, all in the name of family loyalty.
32. Tips for Not Losing Your Goddamn Mind: Try not to eat your lunch at your desk. Don’t get involved in work drama. Headphones are handy for drowning out the voices of people you hate.
33. Speak Up: Following the crowd is lame. Blending in is boring. Care passionately about what matters to you and project it proudly.
34. It is cool to Be Proud of Yourself: Sharing your success is part of the reward of hard work and it should never feel like boasting. If those around you make you feel guilty or ashamed for tooting your own horn, then you might want to explore new friendship horizons. Don’t be sheepish, you deserve to be proud of your accomplishments. The same goes for praising others for their achievements too; don’t be stingy.
35. Work/Life-Balance: Are you neglecting your relationship/family because you are so consumed with work? Do you find yourself cancelling plans with friends and family in favour of staying in the office to finish that really important thing? If this happens more than you would like or more than it should, either: a) invite your family to your office for a sleepover, b) re-evaluate your priorities and make some changes or c) get a new job.
36. Vagus, Baby! The vagus nerve runs down your torso, connecting your brain and your gut. When we get that sinking feeling in the pit of our stomach, it is our brain communicating that something isn’t quite right. The next time your tummy starts rumbling (unless it is hunger or stomach ache from last night’s takeout), consider what could be subconsciously bothering you.
37. Ask “Why” because you are curious.
38. Don’t Hand in Your Notice Until You Have a Backup Plan. No matter how much you despise your office and detest everyone and everything within it, ride it out until you have another viable option.
39. No Job is Worth Your Sanity. When you start losing sleep and your health begins to suffer, maybe you should consider a Plan B
40. There is no such thing as a perfect job. Don’t forget to have fun and laugh (about the insanities at work).

So, I have done it again. My new book is in the making and will hopefully be published in August 2023. Fingers crossed. It gets more and more difficult to pass the proofreading requirements of diverse publishers so nobody gets offended. If you read my articles for a while or know me you will be aware of “my mouth” and that I love to speak up and point my finger at things that sometimes hurt. Even if it may be wiser to shut up?! Thankfully, I am good with words to still get across what I want to say, ha! So what is my new book about and what is the title you may ask?

The title: I was told there would be Cake. Essays.

Cool! And what is it about? It is a good book. Probably my best one. It has a cover and many pages. This book is endorsed by parents and is church-friendly. It is designed to offend no one. It does not mention war, sex, politics, depression, alcohol, violence, scantily dressed women (any mentions of women, really), smelly fish, hungry caterpillars, or drugs, except for the addictive power of prayer.

There is absolutely no pronoun ideology in this book. This is a sample sentence:

Daniela White is going to the park because the father of Daniela White is there. Daniela White and the mother of Daniela White are biologically women.

Big words? Not in here. This book operates on the understanding that education is hard and painful.

This book does not mention homosexuality or anything that could be construed as “queer.” There are no rainbows. The only colour allowed is a neutral grey.

I’m sorry—one publisher just informed me that grey is the colour of asexuality, and so the only colour now allowed is blank.

What colour is blank? It’s a beautiful cousin of eggshell white.

There are no strange or foreign-sounding names in this book. In fact, all the characters have good Christian names with clear and established Western European etymologies. They can be pronounced by anyone.

There are no opinions in this book. Only facts, like the sky is blue.

Daniela White is only interested in interacting with reality, which is what we call it when one woman follows all the rules laid out by her benevolent boss. This is a sample sentence:

Daniela White looked at an email sent out about how to address characters in her new book and says, “Hooray, this is so much fun. Let me rewrite everything because I forgot the pronoun and gender issue. But, Hooray!”

My book was crafted to live within any library and bookstore in the world. It was written so that it appeals and satisfies every single reader on this planet and no one gets offended. All additional explanations were clearly listed in the authors’ biography section, which I had removed just in case. In my book, no one leads children astray by the power of pink dresses for girls or blue t-shirts for boys, and everyone washes their hands after they pee without being reminded one million times a day. This book has no rising action or any kind of climax. There are no villains or anything morally grey—sorry, I mean morally eggshell. There are no character arcs or anything as pretentious as a plot.

This book has no illustrations. No headings. No fonts that might be too curvaceous or aggressive. No periods because that’s basically an abortion. No spaces because they might be unsafe. No underlining because it implies toplining, which implies a top and therefore implies a bottom—both of which are known to be gay directions.

There are no analogies in this book. No symbolism or any other kind of radical left or right ideology. Nobody majors in humanities, and gender studies. There are no metaphors like butterflies or uncaged birds.

No commas, parentheses, dashes, participles, gerunds, subjects, or split infinitives, as the only person who can split anything is Moses, are used.

What this book does have is a sturdy cover and pages filled with neutral abstract art generated in a tasteful colour of pale alabaster. It was formulated to match the words, which are printed in cream, blending in seamlessly with the background of blank.

When you pick up this book, you will see the ideal book form: page after page of pure, empty space.

That is why it can never be banned, and this is what makes it a good book according to certain unnamed publishers.

You know I am kidding, right?! With poignant candor, humor and thought-provoking articles, I write about emotional and powerful thoughts, parenting, and inspiration while chronicling my life with my own ups and downs. Smart, edgy, hilarious, sometimes raw and unabashed raunchy.

Stay tuned for my awesome sixth book to come out soon.

They say honesty is the best policy. But is it? It is. Actually, honesty is one of the qualities I find most attractive in a person. (Another one is nice hands.)

Honesty is so important and yet a lot of times it’s hard to find in people. I am not saying any of you are liars. I don’t know you. I am sure you are sweet and nice and have never “accidentally” dropped a speeding ticket down a garbage disposal. Maybe you have never uttered so much as a fib (unimportant lie) in your whole entire lives. But let’s face it, you probably have. We all have. Well, I haven’t. I am always honest. 

Okay, see? That was a lie. And I am sorry. We might not go around spewing huge, sweeping, outrageous lies, but in one way or another most of us lie every now and again. I actually read a statistic that on average people lie four times a day. I don’t know exactly what four lies people are telling each day but I do know that people tend to lie about their age, their weight, their natural hair color, and how cute their friends’ babies are. “What a cutie-pie. Look at those ears! They are…. oooooh s*** one can’t miss them! But so cute.” 

I also know that people lie on their résumés. People lie under oath. People lie to their doctors, which I have never quite understood. I know you might be embarrassed about how you got that bite on that particular part of your body, but you have to be honest about it so a trained professional can help you. 

I really try my best not to lie. That’s true. I try to give my honest opinion on things. I try to tell it like it is. Give it to them straight. Lay it on the line. Be up-front. Keep it real. Not say false… stuff. I don’t know any other sayings. I try not to lie. 

Sometimes it’s hard because I don’t like to hurt people’s feelings. So there have been times when a friend will get a haircut and I will see it and my initial reaction is “Oh my God, you look like a stray cat who got caught in a wind tunnel.” But I obviously can’t say that because that would be an insult to cats. So I have to say, “I love it! It looks great!” But when I say it my voice goes up about three octaves. “It looks greeeeaaaaat!” So I am certain they know I am lying. 

How come when we lie our voices go up so many octaves? It’s a dead giveaway. Every time, people! It happens when we dole out compliments we don’t mean and it happens when we say things like “You didn’t have to get me anything!” and “You haven’t been invited back to the house since the urn incident of 2004.” And it’s a mathematical fact: the higher the octave, the bigger the lie. “I didn’t even hear my phone ring!” is usually like a four on the scale. “You think I am sleeping with someone eeeeeelse?!” is off the charts. 

I can tell when people are lying to me when they start their sentence with “I have to be honest with you.” They may as well say, “Listen, I am about to lie straight to your face.” Why do people need to clarify when they are being honest? Does that mean everything else they have ever said has been a lie? Yesterday they said they liked my sweater, but they didn’t say they were being honest. Does that mean they hated it? 

It’s so strange to me. It almost feels like they are giving me the option to not hear the truth. As if when they say, “I have to be honest with you,” I might say, “No, no. Please. Only lies right now.” 

For the most part, we are honest people. Which is good because when you think about it everything around us is based on the honor system. Look at the airport baggage claim. We all stand around a conveyor belt totally unsupervised and all those bags are there for anyone to take. I know because I was at the a couple of years ago and I took four. I got some good stuff – three oranges, four mangos and a large man’s nightshirt. 

There are a lot of places that rely on us to be honest. Banks put out candy and hope you only take one or two pieces. Restaurants put out toothpicks. Libraries have those giant statues of lions out front. They are practically begging us to get a crane and a flatbed truck to cart those things away. 

Think of how honest we are expected to be when we go to the movies. We pay for one ticket but in theory, we can sneak into as many theaters as we want once we are inside. We can even pay the child’s price and sneak in our own popcorn and vegan appetizers. Not that I have eeeeeever done that. (three octaves)

And as much as certain people and places rely on us to be honest, we rely on others to be honest with us. I mean, in the U.S. you hand over your car keys to a complete stranger at the valet parking just because he is wearing a vest. (By the way, now you know why I wear a lot of vests and have too many cars.) It’s nice to think we can trust each other. It would be depressing to walk around every day thinking people are lying to us all the time. I prefer to believe people are good and honest and respect me enough to tell me the truth. It’s not easy to find those people all the time, but they are out there. They are usually the people who don’t hesitate to tell you when you look tired or that you have spinach between your teeth. They might be blunt and sometimes they might hurt your feelings with their candor, but honestly? You will in the end appreciate it.