.SOMETIMES RAW.

I have not always been into gardening and plants. But there’s nothing quite as satisfying as gardening. Whether growing vegetables or adding color to your backyard, all you need to cultivate healthy plants is sun and water.

Except not that much sun. You don’t want to broil your plants. And lighten up on the water. You’re growing a garden, not a swamp.

Start with an easy plant. Zinnias. Geranium. Basil. They’re impossible to kill. Unless you introduce the wrong amount of water and sun.

Geraniums like full sun. Hostas thrive in partial shade. And arugula needs to be in full sun except when it prefers shade, which is usually Mondays or any day you decide to spend not at home and neglect your garden.

Green beans, peppers, and tomatoes can be planted in pots. To maintain the perfect ecosystem for each, devote your days to rearranging their pots to optimize sun exposure like they’re teenagers trying to achieve the perfect tan without burning. Don’t forget to remind them every twenty-five minutes to drink water, even if they roll their eyes at you.

Water your plants first thing in the morning when it’s cool, unless they prefer to be watered during the hottest part of the day.

If a plant isn’t thriving, consider adding less water. You should only water your plants once or twice a week. Or three times a day, depending on how much water your plant decides it needs. Don’t let the water touch the plant, only the dirt. If water touches a leaf, the entire ecosystem will crumble.

Never use sink water on your plants. Only use filtered water or bottled water endorsed by a celebrity.

If you go on vacation during the summer, don’t. Your plants need to be watered at the same time on the same days while you wear the same outfit. If this ritual isn’t followed, they’ll revolt by losing all their flower buds on the day you host your in-laws for a barbecue. But again, with the perfect amount of water and sun, you’ll have a garden that’s worth skipping the trip to the Italian coast.

If it rains, water your plants as normal. Just reduce your water amount by a third for the first watering of the week and by seven-ninths if you’re watering on the third Thursday of a month that starts with J.

How can you tell if you’re overwatering your plants? You’ll notice the leaves are browning. A few stems may wilt. One day, you’ll walk outside, and your plant will be splayed dead in the dirt with no warning at all.

You should continue to water dead plants for a week so you feel less guilty throwing them out.

Once you have the watering down, add in fertilizer. You’ll also need cages to nurture your cherry tomatoes. All of this will require 763 trips to your local gardening center. But with just a little effort, a 430 euro investment, and hours neglecting all other responsibilities while you coax plants, you can add a few sprigs of slightly browned homegrown basil to any summer salad.

In the winter, you can take a break. All you need to do is plan your garden for next year, clean, sharpen, and replenish your tools, rebuild raised beds, weed, overhaul your drip system, and start seedlings by providing them with the exact amount of sun and water.

Then, all you’ll need to do come summer is add sun and water.

Except not that much sun. And definitely less water.

Shakespeare! Neither before nor since has there been a man with such mastery of words and humanity. It is the bedrock upon which the foundation of modern literature is comfortably perched. Most importantly, it’s something I fully comprehend, even though I choose not to explain my comprehension at this particular time.

Join me, friend, and you’ll soon be victorious in your journey to embrace Shakespeare. I will guide you with wisdom and understanding. Think of me as your Lady Macbeth.

First off, do not be embarrassed by your initial comprehension level. You are forgiven if you can’t keep up with his characters’ witty quips, of which there are so many that I’m not even able to narrow it down to a single example. But please forgive me if I guffaw at those same quips with reckless enthusiasm. Something that will occur about a second and a half after everyone else starts laughing. This is how I typically laugh after hearing jokes I definitely understand.

After my chuckles subside, I will be available to help. Just reserve your questions for intermission. Actually, during intermission, I may be busy googling something completely unrelated to the first act. Come to think of it, I’ll be too tired for questions after the show as well. Feel free to research the explanation when you get home and send it to me. I can tell you if it’s right.

Eventually, it will click for you. Seemingly nonsensical passages of antiquated common-speak will cease to perplex. Shakespeare’s words will become like close friends, as the Montagues were to the Capulets.

We’ll take in Hamlet, or King Lear, or one of Shakespeare’s other plays, which I am consciously choosing not to name even though I know all of them like the back of my hand. Shakespeare will be our unbreakable bond. We will grow to become like family, indivisible, just like all the families in Shakespeare’s plays!

Sometimes, I’ll playfully ask joke questions like “Which actress is playing the tempest?” and “Wait, is Othello Black?” The questions are in jest, of course, but please answer them. I’m testing you to see if you understand Shakespeare as well as I do (unlikely).

And should another theater-goer express their comprehension struggles after the curtain call, I’ll help them as I did you. This is all assuming I don’t have a really important appointment I need to rush off to immediately after the show. Also, I sometimes lose my voice very suddenly, even though it may seem that my voice was totally fine just moments earlier. I should also mention that, on occasion, I like to point out things in the distance and, when a subject turns to look at what I am pointing at, I run off in the opposite direction before they have an opportunity to ask any further questions about Shakespeare. This is a rare condition I suffer from. I can’t really get into it right now.

But, much as Leonardo DiCaprio did at the end of that Claire Danes movie, we are getting ahead of ourselves. For as Shakespeare once wrote, “When the wind is southerly, I know a hawk from a hacksaw.” To me, there is more meaning in those brief words than in a thousand encyclopedic volumes. Out of curiosity, what does it mean to you?

Happy birthday! As we wish you another year of joy and prosperity, we also acknowledge that many in the world are less fortunate. So, in lieu of a gift, a donation has been made in your name to several worthy causes.

We donated in your name to a charity that gives laptops to endangered wetlands. What they do is whip MacBooks into swamps and hope that the algae and duckweed somehow benefit from the Wi-Fi. It’s a bad idea, but their logo of a frog sitting on a detached keyboard like some nightmare lily pad is pretty cool.

Also, we donated fifty hammers to a nonprofit that forces the president to build houses then knocks them down, so he has to start over. It’s all in good fun, though. They even let him see his family sometimes.

But there’s more. Ever heard of the Red Cross? We donated a big blob of congealed blood to their headquarters. It’s blocking all their cars, but imagine what they can do with it once it melts!

Speaking of noble medical causes, we pledged 40,000 Euros in your name to the World Heart Association. We told them you’re good for it, so you better not stiff them. Seriously. They have a guy with wide knuckles whose name is Knuckles. His go-to move? Roundhouse kick.

Of course, money isn’t everything. We also signed you up for an eight-month stint as one of those dunk-tank clowns who amuse children. Only, instead of water, this tank will have scorpions. But they’ll be perfectly harmless once they’ve had their stingers removed, a duty we also signed you up for.

The office supplies we stole from your home were sent to a charity that teaches disadvantaged kids how to write wrong. The staff is tirelessly committed to making the children believe that Ps are Ds, commas are little hooks for words to hang their coats, and vowels are a CIA hoax.

A subtraction has been made in your name from the local convenience store at gunpoint. We know, your first instinct will be to change your name to avoid prosecution. Don’t. It would be disrespectful to our gift. Plus, somebody’s taking the fall for this, and after all we’ve done for you, it sure as hell won’t be us.

A donation has been made in your name to the Zoo to help them buy a hippo that walks around on hind legs and punches walls. If such a hippo does not exist, we’ve included instructions on how to breed one. They’ll need two super aggressive hippos, plus a bed with silk sheets. Knuckles will be on hand to ensure no one mutes the slow jams.

We have founded our own charity and made a sizable donation in your name using some of the convenience store funds. Our mission? To send a second Mars rover up there to knife the first one and make the whole thing look like an accident. We’re giving it a bag of space drugs to plant.

You’re probably wondering why we’ve given so generously in your name even though we’ve only just met. Well, now we’re donating to a charity that says we don’t have to answer that. It’s a free country, and if we want to tail a random stranger for weeks without their knowledge before walking into their backyard birthday party, that’s no one’s business but ours.

If you didn’t want us here, you should have made your fence taller and more slick.

This will not stop until you donate to Habitat for Embarrassment, a new organization dedicated to humiliating you, specifically. Next week they’re having a banquet where a boys’ choir sings about you not being able to do a handstand yet. They’re hosting a 5K where all the runners have vowed never to have sex with you. They raffled off the chance to kick you with a big shoe.

Anyway, nice to meet you—have a great night. Also, we will be donating your other presents to the trunk of your car, then donating your car to ourselves.

See you at Christmas! Until then, have an awesome Birthday.