Really? Sometimes, things change. Il faudrait traverser un universe lyrique Comme on traverse un corps qu’on a beaucoup aimé Il faudrait réveiller les puissances opprimées La soif d’éternité, douteuse et pathétique” – Michel Houellebecq Getting knocked down in life is hard but it is important…
I just submitted my final course paper for graduation and the research I worked on all summer and fall. I cannot believe I finished both. It feels awesome and I will never forget what I have been through while trying to focus and write. It…
“To attain knowledge, add things every day. To attain wisdom, remove things every day.” – Lao Tzu
I did it again. I quit another secure job with great benefits, great opportunities and great everything else. It was not easy and there were many thoughts involved that kept me up all night. I went to university to study and finish a Masters degree with no sense of a destination but doubled down on an anxiety attack shuffled with a somewhat mental playlist of worries on repeat all. “I do not want to burn down this bridge. This job gives me security and safety (no pun intended) and a good pension. I should go back to New York “, I said to myself over and over even though I know deep inside that I am not certain if I will even receive my pension in the end when I am like 65. I am German: security, safety and worrying about everything is very important to us. Quitting my job? A nightmare for many or just a dream? Quitting a job is not the end. One door closes and many others open.
What makes me really happy? Is it a job like this? Is it “big money”? Is it working in a cubicle from 9-5? The answer is no. After I resigned I felt I lost what had rooted me for so long even though I was on “Leave without pay”. What gave me security and to break down this bridge was definitely not easy for me. Initially, I felt small, alone and unsteady, un/and insecure in a way. But, I also realized that I am on a path to something new. Something better maybe and if it even just a clean slate to a fresh start in a new country. So I have done this major step of resigning and now it feels normal. It feels somewhat good and I am content with my decision. I am starting to adapt to something new while continuing to appreciate the simple things.
My living habits have changed even more. I live simpler which makes me happier. I also cleaned my house and sold a ton of stuff that was useless to me and just sat around collecting dust. For now, I am not defined by my former job anymore and I recently discover a somehow dormant resilience I thought I forgot completely. Simplicity overall.
So what actually happened when I quit my job and followed my dream?
I realized what is really important. It is not money. It is not security because anything can happen anytime. But love for myself first is salient. Next is love for my family and to find fulfillment in what I am doing on a daily basis. It is all so surreal but I see the bigger picture already since I know what I really want to do, what this dream of mine is and I just have to simply move forward to achieve it. I asked myself what would really make me happy. I left my job to make my own. I want to be a full-time writer and my book manuscript is edited and ready to go. I would also love to own a small bookstore with a café selling used books and some homemade pastries and good coffee. Does this all sound too surreal? I don’t think so! Until I open my bookstore I know I will have to find another job which I am applying for and I have some great opportunities coming up. I am not daydreaming, waiting for something to magically happen and relying on ze husband to support me forever. I am grateful, however, that I am able to follow my dream because he supported me so far. Studying overseas as an international student is not cheap so I thank him for that.
These days I find myself sitting at a café in the morning or in the library working on my projects that I truly love until the afternoon when I have to pick up my son. My schedule is pretty flexible and I love it. That would have been not possible before. Now I have this amount of freedom that feels great but is also terrifying and exciting. Am I eventually going to make enough money to cover our living costs and maintain the standard we have? Making money by solely writing is tough. Since I started this blog, I removed all the advertisement that I initially installed because I don’t want to distract the reader which also means zero dollars for me. This does not matter for now because I created this lifestyle with less stuff and spending by kicking consumerism habits which conveniently added more space and time in my life. Throughout my time away from a “real job” and a lot of thinking I realized that I cannot chase happiness by acquiring stuff.
I did not rush this decision to resign but thought this step through for many weeks and months and in the end, I have to say that it brings me one step closer to my vision of what I really want to do and our long-term goals as a family which is first to live intentionally. One small decision after the other to change something and aligning them with my daily actions works pretty well so far.
So, here is the thing. I love to eat. I love good food. I love comfort food even though I usually feel bad, stuffed and gross after eating it. I also admit that I have tried many different diets throughout my life and changed them…
I had a pretty productive day today. Finished some important work for my research and course and edited my book manuscript that I will hopefully publish soon. I have been a hermit for the last couple of days/weeks and either hid at home in my…
"You left me, sweet, two legacies, -
A legacy of love
A Heavenly Father would content,
Had he the offer of;
You left me boundaries of pain;
Capacious as the sea,
Between eternity and time,
Your consciousness and me" - Emily Dickinson
It is getting cold here, especially in the mornings and at night. Cold, grey and wet. One thing that I have been trying in the last couple of days is getting up earlier than my son, make some tea and have time for myself to read and write. It is such a peaceful way to start the day. My son and I are fighting a pretty bad cold for the past three weeks that seems to linger way too long. Looking out of the window now it is pitch-black. Some cars are driving by on the opposite side of the river and I can see the reflecting lights like tiny sparks of joy dancing on the water.
I am sitting here, somewhat still besides the occasional cough that makes my lungs hurt. If anyone would ask me right now how I am doing, I would say – “I have been better.” Here I am in this house in Canada while the world is going on and it is not easy to simply step away from the things that feel heavy on me these days but I am getting swept away and occupied with everyone else’s everything else that keeps them busy. It is a somewhat odd sensation to on the one hand feel overwhelmed with happiness and joy when I see my son but also to say goodbye to some people I love without knowing if it is/was the last goodbye. Things happened along the way and I am still sorting out my thoughts and even question if it is my fault that caused it all. I experience many new firsts but also many potential lasts that are very time consuming and keep me not being able to focus on my studies.
All these new special circumstances, possible lies that have been told, possible truths that cannot be revealed and new scenarios that are being created wear down on me. Am I the one who caused it all? Am I? If I really think about it, isn’t it always the case? It aways takes two? What does it mean to fall in love with someone else? What is love in the first place? Is it just a four-letter word meaning nothing? It is easier not to think about this now, so I don’t. It is a bit easier to paddle on the surface without drowning with just some simple questions and answers. Sometimes I want to go way further in. So far in to let myself feel the things I am not letting myself feel and to just stick my finger in the wound and push a couple of times until it really hurts. “That drive to Portugal came to my mind.”
For some reason, autumn always transports me back to being and feeling very small and vulnerable. A friends told me it is not getting better, this is just the beginning!”, while I silently hoping he referred to the weather in Canada. When I think I am okay and things settled down in my head bits and pieces somewhere in the back of my memory float and creep silently up to the top. Things that have or have not being said, special moments, memories – oh sweet nostalgia. A couple of days ago I had one of those perfect moments. Those lucky ones where everything seems to be perfect: one is in the right place at the right time and the favourite song is playing on top of it all. That kind of perfect moment I am talking about here. Where you just know, THIS IS IT with an overwhelming feeling. Then one little message made it all crumble. Made my tiny empire, love and family island crack; however, not crash.
What does my stomach tell me? Or should I abandon my gut and betray the inner voice when it tells me that something needs to change. Closing my eyes to my heart but instead listening to my instincts or logic? My logic tells me I want “Salad” but my gut says “Pasta!” damnit. Or is this something different? Let my head or gut lead?
I want the before-stage again. I want to hold it so close to my chest and protect every single second of it and make us sweep as far as possible to a place where no bad news exist. Like a safety bubble. Back to reality: I know this is not how it all works. So I am taking this new situation just day by day trying to build onward and upward secretly going through the five-stages of grief but being somewhat stuck between anger and bargaining. While lingering on to the bigger picture and special moments my son comes down with a teddy bear in his arm. He curls and snuggles up next to me on the couch and says he cannot sleep. I touch his head and tell him a story while feeling his warm breath on my arm. Another single car drove by followed by complete darkness while Earth continues to rotate around the sun.
“Yet down the line, lay clear uncertainties: promises made and promises to keep. Buried ambitions too, beckon and prod us to consider the harvest we’ll reap” Everyone makes mistaken, everybody lies but the truth will come out eventually. It is funny but if I am being…
I heart the question, “what do you really want, Daniela?; “what do you really need, Daniela? or “really think about it hard, will you” more than one million times in the last couple of days. Also, don’t tell me what I should have, lady at…
Catching title, eh? Let me back up a little bit before I get into the meaty things I want to write about. I am living a pretty minimalistic lifestyle. I don’t own a lot of stuff and like it like that. I moved out of my parent’s house when I was 17 years old to join police academy and earned my own money ever since. It happened once that I maxed out my bank account since Euro 50 pocket money versus Euro 1000 salary a month at police academy gave me the feeling that I rule the world and can buy whatever I feel like. Wrong! My parents helped me out and I felt pretty embarrassed. Needless to say, money problems like this never happened to me again.
Also, to my detriment, I have been solely responsible for my finances since about that age. I had my own apartment when I was 21. And a motorcycle. And a car. I traveled. I spent money. I would say, I kept this little ship afloat pretty well throughout the years. When I moved to the U.S. I learned what IRS fraud is. Also what a 1099 or a 401K is. Or bankruptcy. I learned what dead-beat dad means. Let’s just say, I met a lot of different people. Some who thought it is okay to have $19 in the savings account by the end of the month. Like every month. All these things were tiny lectures in life I paid attention to. I learned. I thought I am prepared for whatever comes my way.
Needless to say, things don’t always run that smoothly. Recently, one payment after the other arrived and when I thought I see the light at the end of the tunnel, another huge payment and deadline appeared out of nowhere. I realized that I needed to start paying more attention to my money and what I spend it on. Step 1: I downloaded a budget plan to document every little thing I spend money on for one week. A friend at university told me the other day, “this totally worked for me. You see everything nicely outlined in front of you and can then track down where your money goes and where you have been pissing money away. Then you can start making changes and like put whatever you saved in a …. what is this called… savings account, I think!”
Okay, I am going to do this. It cannot be that hard, right? Since I am a minimalist and whatnot. The agreement I had with myself was to 1) not to alter my spending habits throughout the week and 2) not to lie about any spendings. Easy. In a nutshell:
This is how my list looked:
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
Saturday
Sunday
Let’s stop here for the week, eh. Looking at this list and eyeballing it, it is kind of depressing. Also, keeping track of every little thing is so exhausting. My brother would have calculated the amount I spent in this week in a second in his head. I don’t even bother taking out my calculator since by just looking at this list it is clear that I spent approximately five billion dollars in one single week. All for stuff that I don’t really need. And what’s with the lattes? It is just ridiculous. Also, no rent paid yet since it is not time yet. Shaking my head. Looking at my fridge I realize that this damn thing is almost empty again. My son is in some sort of growth spurt and eats me poor. Seriously, no joke. He eats more than I sometimes. My mom would say now, “Well, you have no food in your fridge but you have books, a plant that is about to die soon, coffee and alcohol!”
Despite the fact that I am depressed about my spending habits looking at this list, I am fully aware that it is the beginning of October with another three weeks left to shame myself while money is flowing out of my bank account. On the flip side, I am not that bad, right? Didn’t even buy clothing or purses. I actually sold a purse! I don’t need all this stuff. Giving our time, our precious time, to things that give us nothing in return but temporary satisfaction is not worth it to me. Balance is key and moderation is my friend. Sometimes.
The last two weeks were very difficult for me and I asked myself the question, “When does it all stop being so complicated”? Most of the day I felt like curling up somewhere to sleep. I was mentally and physically exhausted. It all started with…
