.SOMETIMES RAW.

Actually, not much has changed in my life, yet a lot is going on. I am still sometimes easy-going and sometimes difficult. A woman who startles easily. I still forget to wash an apple before I eat it. I am still annoyed but thankful for this rush of hot air let off from the sides of a bus. I think, “Yes, things could be grosser, hotter and nastier”. The sound of people spitting bothers me. I still interrupt occasionally when people talk but I am getting better at it. I am confused on how strange it feels to receive a postcard – this little card that traveled all the way to my apartment while I wonder how many people at the post office have read it.

I still prefer to count to twenty instead of ten. I love ice cream and the weird sensation of brain freeze I get when eating it too fast and then quickly swallowing it down. I still have the same nightmares but it is getting so much better lately. I still have trouble discerning between solitude and loneliness, and the weird feeling of sadness I get on Sundays; the same feeling I get when listening to Beethoven on a rainy day. I am still wondering why I am initially comfortable and then restless when sitting on grass. I love the size of LP records and want a record player for the longest time. Yet, I do not own one single record. I love when people collect them and play their records. I spend quite some time browsing through record stores without buying any.

Sometimes I am still shocked by how irreversible life is. That there is no going back to this old version of me that existed before. What is done is done, I try not to dwell on the past too much anymore. Or how much life was before I figured out the pleasure of doing absolutely nothing. Or before I figured out that there is no one way to live and to life. Or before I smelled city smog in New York Midtown Manhattan and thought I could never live here yet I rented an apartment for a couple of years and loved it. Or when I wept in my brother’s arms when he had to fly back to Germany because I knew I would miss him so much. Or when I read Marguerite Duras’s The Lover and thought it was the best book I have ever read. Or whatever version of me existed before I moved on, found a new perspective, saw the magnolias in early spring blooming in a somewhat different way – not just pink but rather flowering almost forcefully and ambient letting me know that a new chapter is about to begin.

Weirdly, I get shivers on very hot days and I get annoyed when a Post-it unsticks and comes off my journal. Sometimes I still confuse being misunderstood with feeling some sort of shame and uncomfortableness. I am super hungry when it is not quite lunch time or dinner yet. I love to drink red wine when reading on my couch but these days I prefer camomile tea even though I hated it as a kid and associated it with sickness. I love sitting on a porch when there is lightning, thunderstorm, and rain. Sitting at a dock at the lake watching the stars and the moon makes me happy. I still imagine my brain is the size of a pea when it comes to mathematics, statistics, spreadsheets or when I do not understand how bridges are built over large amounts of water or whenever I don’t get the exact location of countries or continents on a globe.

For whatever reasons I am drawn to the colors violet and lavender. Recently, someone told me, “People don’t change.” Listening to some people feels like hard work trying to retrieve a mutual tenderness that has already fallen from our hands and rolled into a storm drain a long time ago. How unfamiliar it feels to deal with some people or to even look at them. All these unresolved arguments and trying to test the other over nothing that now just feels colorless, sad, unnecessary and creeps back silently when least expected over emotions long forgotten. I am now in this strange possession of a history that often pulls me in different directions that I can manage pretty well. Sort of like a new responsiveness that does not pry.

I can identify now what constitutes a big drama, hot air or the difference between the former and latter. I know how it feels to be hurt. Also, the hurt we cause when we have been enduring too much in silence and have started to trust our own fixed claim that everything is just fine even though it is not. How it lightens but also strikes the heart. I learned that I should not try to change a person. The effort exerted is often ineffectual and rather upsetting. Change, I have learned, rises up like nausea – the simple promise of relief is what makes it all bearable. I learned that I have to be careful of overvaluing what people give and be cautious of how proportioned my ability to love is since I have become rather impressionable.

What I love is watching stars with a person who listens while I don’t finish my thoughts because maintaining completeness all the time grows tiresome. A person so acquainted with my treasury of reluctance, with the lines of my body, with my soul, that I forget I have those, and he forgets he has those and we just melt together into one; while the shooting stars keep shooting. There is no rush.

My son and I officially killed another venus fly trap. We fed it with flies, watered it but realized in the end that this is not the environment for it to grow at its best. While trying to edit my book I observed the plant; it looked sad and waited patiently for flies. I focused on it and thought about what we did wrong this time. My mind started wandering around. I am supposed to focus on my work and this book so it gets published any day now. It’s 2 pm. How is it already 2 pm? I glanced down at my empty coffee cup that sat next to the dying venus fly trap and contemplated whether it’s time for another cup. “I have to get all the editing done today”, I thought when the nutritional pathology assignment on Hashimoto’s disease that is also due in one week came to my mind.

I looked back at the screen, to the plant, and to my coffee cup. There is so much going on outside on the street, too. Why is the neighbor wearing only his underwear while watering his lawn? Why is this guy swimming naked in his pool while five baby raccoons are playing on my balcony?  I sit back at my desk and decide to focus. But shortly after I checked my emails because maybe I missed another enlightening and funny one that brightens my day. At least I barely check Facebook anymore because I find it annoying and tiring wondering why people post every single step of their life. Who the hell cares. Who the hell cares about “likes”. Nobody.

Then I sit back and decide to focus. I have a lot of work to do. Now is my time. I open the word documents I am working on and put on headphones. I never work with my headphones on but I want to give this a try. I am really feeling this song. B-b-b-bad to the bone. They are touring again soon. The last concert was awesome. Let me check this other great song they played at the concert. What an awesome night. Let me forward this song to my friend. He would definitely appreciate it. When they are touring again we are going. Def going! Okay, I will find a calmer song now to launch me into my super creative work mode. There it is. I love this song. Now I can focus. Like hard.

In the corner of my eye, I see my phone light up and it’s a text. Yay. I sort of know who it is from but also maybe someone could be in danger and needs my help. If they were, they would obviously send me a text over a phone call. In any case, I better check. Like now. Cute message from Mr. X so all is sweet. I smile and sent him a message back. And he sent me another message. And then I….

I work great under pressure and I easily fall under the distraction spell. I love what I do, especially when it involves writing but I am easily side-tracked and have a hard time finding my way back to focus on the task, especially if I know I still have a couple of days left before I have to hand in an assignment.

Does this all sound familiar to you? At The Institute of Holistic Nutrition, I learned some amazing tips to feel more focused, energized and not get too distracted. I will share the best ones with you.

Breathe.  I breathe in and breathe out deeply and let go of all the stuff that is stuck inside of myself. I usually put one hand on my heart and one on my belly and breathe quietly. I do this anywhere and anytime I have the feeling I really have to take care of myself. With this simple notion I  feel better and can give myself a feeling of safety and that I am here. Now.

The fastest way to focus is to simply give my brain a break. Whenever I think I keep hitting a block in what I am doing (for me especially when I am writing or coming up with a solution to a problem), chances are that my brain has too many tabs open. Then I am standing up, breathing deeply, walk around, go outside and basically visit an environment different than the one I am currently in. This gives me some space to re-sort things. I feel most creative and productive when I spent time with myself or when I sleep really well. Awareness is my friend. Once I become aware that I am distracted I am in a better position to do something about it. Whenever I get distracted I am taking a moment to analyze the before, during, and after.

I am a writer and always carry a journal or notebook and a pen(s) with me. Whenever I feel most distracted and I have deadlines creeping up, I create lists. I add the things that I want to accomplish by the end of the day. When I cross things off, I feel confident. One thing at a time. When I start something really important I choose to stick with it. It usually means that I have to be super hyper-aware and listen to my strict inner voice thoroughly. I can work best when there is complete silence. I cannot work productively with music playing or any other distraction.

Life is not easy but I don’t fear trying new things. The saddest summary of life contains three descriptions: could have, might have, and should have. Moving on and it feels so good.

Just focus.

I have written enough blog posts about heartbreak by now. It is time to move on and to leave the past behind. An interesting reader question to one of my last posts was, “How do you know when a relationship is right?”

The other day, my son and I took a walk at the Rideau River in the evening. He played with sticks and looked for ghosts while I just enjoyed the sound of the cicadas.  Shortly after,  I came across an “Ottawa moment” I will never forget. I spotted a couple having a candlelit picnic just at the river. They dined in grey lawn chairs pulled up to a fold-out camping table. As we passed them, they were just talking about the sunset and how awesome the food tasted. On the little fold-out table they had two glasses of wine, cheese, bread and a big salad. They smiled at my son and I so I introduced myself to Beth and Jason.

It was the most pleasant conversation. While my son played they asked me to join them for a glass of wine. Just like that. They told me that they have been watching the sunset every “nice and comfortable” night for over 28 years since they moved to Old Ottawa South.  After a certain amount of dates, they thought it would be great to bring some wine or beer. Neighbors asked them many times, “You guys are still going down to the river to watch the sunset?” Beth answered, “We have never stopped. This is our paradise.”

I asked them what their favorite supper conversation is and if they ever run out of things to discuss. Jane smiled and said, “We do not run out of things to discuss. The longer we are together, the more we have to talk about. We have more experiences, more friends in common, stories about people and plans for the future. We are planning our upcoming vacations and where we would love to travel to.” “Did anyone ever join you for your supper, ” I asked. Jason smiled this time and said, “Well, you just did. And so did many others. A musician came by here once. He brought his guitar and played some songs during our dinner. It was great. We shared out food with him.”

“Beth and Jason, how did you meet?”, I asked thinking that their marriage is so awesome. Jason told me that they initially met in Highschool, then did not see each other for a couple of years and met again in graduate school at Carleton University. He proposed marriage three months later. I asked Beth how she knew they were meant to be. She said that one night when she was feeling sick he walked through meters of snow (Damn, Canadian winter) to get her her favorite book from the Black Squirrel Bookstore to read her to sleep. He also made an awesome chicken broth that night.

“What’s the key to a good marriage?”, I asked. Apparently, I don’t know. Both answered pretty much at the same time saying that connecting again at the end of every single day, sitting down without distractions and talking is the most important thing. A connection is key and enjoying each others company as well as how to talk to each other and discussing, sharing and analyzing things. The advice they gave to me is that everything is easier when you are in a good mood, spend time together, have fun, be generous to another and apologize. They both added, that each partner is responsible for their own happiness because you cannot rely on your significant other to always entertain you.

They wanted to share their supper with my son and I but we decided to walk back home. While we packed sticks, water bottles, and ghost detectors, Jason took me aside and asked me, “You know what is also important?” I just stared at him and he continued, “This is for your brain on the way home:  In a relationship, it is important to laugh at each other’s jokes. Nobody has ever made me laugh as much as Beth. We are each other’s ideal audience. We had this ‘knowing’ feeling.  It wasn’t love at first sight but rather this strong feeling of ‘but of course this feels right in a good way’. I just had this feeling that this person is very important in my life. Then we became a team. We were initially just together but then we gradually solidified into a team. Then out of a sudden, we were in love. She made everything better. Being with her felt like being on vacation from real life. Disagreements did never threaten to end in a divorce. I always had the feeling we would keep going. We make plans. We keep it interesting. We do not spend too much time apart from each other.” He dropped a pebble in the water and made it dance, wiped his hands clean on his pants and smiled at me.

It has gotten dark by now. We packed our things to leave for good this time while their little candle shone brightly at the camping table.  Beth said “I could not imagine my life without him. It is all about choice. We choose to be together, nobody forces us. However, there are times when I am not entirely sure how things will evolve. We, like all couples, argue and fight at points and then there was/is doubt. Doubt is a part of life. But I believe in us, in our marriage because of the small things we do for another every day and what we have been through. We just have this energy together. He is the one.”

We said goodnight and left. There was so much positivity and thought on my mind while we walked home. I took a closer look at my life and the people who are in it and everything feels okay. Just the way it is. I am moving on.