.SOMETIMES RAW.

I am not your typical mom. Far from it actually. Parenting at points still seems strange to me and most of the time I am attempting to figure out what I will do next. There are so many parenting trends, advice and books to get lost in. I know many people who want to stay current with the latest parenting trends. These days, the hype is “attachment parenting”, “minimalist parenting”, “tiger mother parenting and so much more insanity (#eyeroll). A really good friend of mine and I stumbled upon a new technique that will guarantee your child grows up to be an exemplary student and citizen. It is called CTFD(AB), which stands for “Calm The F*** Down (and Breathe).” Don’t freak out yet. This is not a message to give to your kid. It is just for you.

When using this technique you will be assured that whichever way you choose to parent, Mrs. Tiger Mom, your child will be fine as long as you don’t eat them of course. To see it in action, my friend and I came up with some sample parenting scenarios and how CTFD can be employed. It is super easy, I promise.

Are you worried your friend’s child has mastered writing, the alphabet, reading or maths quicker than your child? CALM THE F*** DOWN.

Are you scared you are not imparting the wisdom your child will need to survive in school and beyond? That you did not do enough? That you should do more? Sign up your child for more classes after a full day of school? Tennis, Yoga, Tutoring? They are tired after school. So are you after eight hours of work. So, CALM THE F*** DOWN.

Are you concerned that you are not the type of parent you thought you would be? That your child does watch TV, plays games on the iPad and eats other things than gluten/lactose-free, vegan organic blueberry muffins even though you never wanted to raise a child like this? CALM THE F*** DOWN.

Are you upset that your child does not show interest in certain areas such as art, museums, opera, ballet, etc. at age two/three/four/five? They are still small. Is your child like Mozart? If not, CALM THE F*** DOWN.

Are you stressed that your child exhibits behavior in public you find embarrassing? Tantrums, does not listen, runs away and takes all the chocolate covered almonds out of the dispenser in the store while you are already at the register? You get the point by now. Just CALM THE F*** DOWN. Don’t forget to breathe extra deeply in the chocolate/almond scenario. Or tantrums.

So, yes, using the CTFD method, you will instantly find the pressure lifted and realize your child loves you no matter what, even if they have not yet mastered the alphabet. It is also a fact that whether or not you are the best parent in the world, as long as you love your child, they will think you are and that’s what matters the most. Another great side-effect using this method is that it makes you immune to those that prey upon the fears of new parents, like helicopter parents. Yikes. Ignore all those other parenting trends and fully commit to CTFD. I guarantee you, you will be glad you did and so will your kid(s). No need to make parenting more complicated as it already is. You are welcome.

To use CTFD, just follow these simple steps:

1. CALM THE F*** DOWN.
2. There is no second step.

“Sit up properly in your chair.”

I cry every time I watch Out of Africa, still hoping Robert Redford’s plane won’t take off.

“When I was little, cellphones or the internet did not exist.”

I curse like a truck driver every time a motherfuckin’ piece of shit in a car purposely cuts me off when I try to cross the street.

“Santa Clause won’t be happy…”

“Of course the tooth fairy exists.”

I haven’t read War and Peace, even though I pretend otherwise. Over time, I have learned to talk about it pretty convincingly.

Tracks I still listen to: Run DMC “It’s like that”; Nirvana “Hard-Shaped Box”; Fugees “Killing me Softly”; The Verve “Bitter Sweet Symphony”; Fool’s Garden “Lemon Tree”; Coolio “Gangster’s Paradise”; Rage Against the Machine “Killing in the Name”; Guns N’ Roses “Don’t Cry”; Oasis “Don’t look Back in Anger”

I start believing in God again whenever I need something.

“Your goldfish has gone on a long trip. I am not sure when he is coming back.”

“Now I avoid red wine.”

“Go to the toilet before we leave. Even if you don’t have to. Just a tiny bit.”

“Don’t shout. Mommy is very tired.”

“At six you think you know everything, but at my age, you realize life is a bit more complicated.”

“Enjoy it while it lasts – time flies.”

“If you swallow your chewing gum, it will get stuck to the inside of your stomach.”

“You will learn how to whistle if you eat your carrots.”

“If you are not hungry for your vegetables then you are not hungry for dessert.”

I had so many fears back then that today I am not afraid.

I know that if I don’t reach for it, no one will give it to me. Sometimes all I need is to give myself permission.

I know that I will never regret my misadventures. Sometimes, failures are successes in disguise.

I know that I can take the wrong path and it’s okay. I know to take life one day at a time. Nothing is forever.

I know that sometimes I have to shake things up to avoid repeating the same mistakes. Smiling is one of life’s greatest weapons.

“Something better is always on its way. This too shall pass.”

“That was trendy when I was a teenager. In my day, we invented games all the time and played outside in the dirt.”

“Don’t you think the music is a bit loud?”

I just can’t go out two nights in a row anymore.

“He is a man who lights a flame inside me, without actually setting my house on fire.”

“Selecting my year of birth on a website means scrolling down or up forever.”

“I am an environmentalist.” (I just started recycling and turn off the water when I brush my teeth)

“I am very excited just to go home.”

I tell myself that I am working out when I take the stairs. Or when I dance (while drinking) and I persuade myself that sweating is proof of my muscular exhaustion.

“Just enjoy it. Don’t expect anything. Just see where it all goes and enjoy the ride.”

“I am my own soul mate.”

I cleaned up my bookshelf and found a letter that I have never sent. I wrote it to someone who was once special in my life. Our break was nothing like the petty, go, gossipy fights I had in childhood, or even the slow drifting apart so common in adulthood. Instead, it was worse and happened one day, sudden as a lightning strike with mean messages and phone calls. I heard the thunder from miles away. I recently asked a friend if I should send the letter, or at least a text, some kind of signal that the door was still a bit open on my end, that I wanted to talk things through because there is a child involved. I wanted to make things right or at least get some closure other than the divorce papers.

This person, once special, does certain things that make no sense to me. To send this letter wouldn’t be wise because it is not my job anymore to appeal his decisions. It is job of the agencies now. There is no need to put more compassionate words in my mouth, trying to make it all work out differently or better for my son’s sake. But that does not mean that I have not spent time playing the ending back in my head, trying to see our disagreement from his point of view, trying to make sense why he acts this way.

Each of us may require different words and actions to heal when we have been wronged. For me, understanding the language of love and trust in a relationship is crucial to keep it healthy, and to know how best to apologize is just as important. By no means do I want to repair my previous relationship but for my son, I would take the extra step to repair it to the point that we can at least talk in a civilized matter about important things like for example how to be in touch with your own flesh and blood. Common sense is not so common for some, so I will give you some hints and help if you want to express regret, apologize, accept responsibility, make restitution or genuinely repent something. I think that a sincere apology will contain more than one of these options, so it can be helpful to gain “fluency” in at least a few. Do not be an emotional polyglot.

Expressing regret. What do you think is the first apology language I will mention? Right! The words: I am sorry. It may seem, at first glance, too rudimentary to qualify as a language, but the impact of a simple, direct apology should not be underestimated. Sometimes, saying sorry is easy, sometimes it is not. In some situations, an apology like this is all that is needed but in other cases, some explanations need to be added.

How to say it: “…..I need to apologize for the way I ignored my son for so long. I would love to change things because I love and miss him. I feel guilty every single day, too.”

Accepting Responsibility. I think it is important for the apologizer to directly acknowledge the impact their actions and words have had on the person they have wronged, rather than making a slew of excuses or blaming circumstances. The key is to make sure the burden of apology stays with the one who is apologizing. It is easy to create even more distance with phrases like, “I am sorry you feel that way” when what really needs to be said is, “I am sorry I made you feel this way”.

How to say it: “….I am sorry I reported you to Immigration Canada for forging my signature. I know you did not forge anything. I am also sorry that I reported you to Canadian Child Services. I know you are not a bad mother and would never hurt, starve, beat, or leave a child. I know I should not have done that. I am sorry I made you feel this way and that you had to go through all this trouble. Damn, I didn’t know he lost his Canadian passport because of my actions!”

Making Restitution. Restitution can be a little more complicated I guess, especially since it often involves placing a relative value on something after it has been damaged. In my case, I am not talking about a borrowed dress ruined by melted lipstick in the dryer but rather trust broken by an affair and not taking care of a child. Then it gets more complicated. Match the scale of the apology to the original mistake. It is important to note that in some cases, it is not actually possible to completely rebalance the scale, or that making good on the promise to do so can take time. However, on my end, there is no substitute for a good faith effort to repair and rebuild.

How to say it: “……thank you for taking care of him for so long without any help from my side. I am really sorry I did this. He is my flesh and blood, too. I miss him so much and would love to see him, speak to him and be in touch. I am sorry that I haven’t contacted him in almost two years. I am sorry that I rather spent the money to travel and enjoy my life. I know he needs clothing and food because kids grow so fast. I was wrong. I am sorry. Things will change from now on.”

Genuinely Repenting. Here, the key component is changed behavior. The apologizer must acknowledge the wrongness of what he/she did, but they must also accompany that acknowledgment with a plan for avoiding the same mistakes in the future. So, restitution is about fixing the past, repentance is about to change the future. In other words: What are you going to do to make sure this doesn’t happen again.

How to say it: “….. I want you to know that I feel terrible about how I treated you and did not pay child support. I didn’t know any better at that time, but I know now that my ignorance, actions, and assumptions were wrong and shitty and hurtful. I would like to rekindle some sort of communication if you would give me the chance.

Requesting Forgiveness. If someone has hurt me very badly and wants me to forgive them, I would want to see them expressing it all – expressing regret, accepting responsibility, presenting a strong plan for restitution, including plans for the future – before I consider it. I know, this may seem high-maintenance, but it sounds reasonable to me after what I have been through. However, the power of forgiveness is of course solely at the discretion of the wronged party. It is all a power game, too. Asking for forgiveness is about giving power back to the person we have hurt. For some, this is impossible. When we earnestly ask for forgiveness, we are acknowledging that the other person may need something more from us; effort, understanding, or time tor each a place of resolution, and we express willingness to make up the difference on their terms. I want to give the person the opportunity to make it right, but I understand that that day may never come. Sometimes, people are unable to say what they want to say.

How to say it: “I know that there is no excuse for the way I treated you in the last two years, but I am doing my best to change this now. Can you ever forgive me?”

Yes, I can. I guess I sent this letter anyway.