{"id":6956,"date":"2026-04-24T04:47:40","date_gmt":"2026-04-24T04:47:40","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/?p=6956"},"modified":"2026-04-24T04:47:41","modified_gmt":"2026-04-24T04:47:41","slug":"gyno-advice","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/?p=6956","title":{"rendered":".Gyno Advice."},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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\u00a9 Gemma can fly \/ Stocksy United<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

My gynecologist suggested that, since I am approaching 45 (sigh!), it is time for a mammogram. This is what women your age have to go through, he added. He explained the procedure to me, and I left his office with weird feelings. This will hurt for sure, I thought. Well, how can it not? Your boob will be squeezed to the size of a f***ing pancake. If you have read my previous articles for a while now, you might know that I love to overanalyse things and think things through, ha! So, below I share my thoughts on how I imagine this meeting on the invention of the mammogram machine for breast cancer prevention must have gone. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

APRIL 1965
MEETING TO DISCUSS 
BOOB CANCER PROBLEM<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

CARL: Gentlemen, I have some unfortunate news: We\u2019ve just discovered that cancer can grow in women\u2019s breasts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

TED: Oh no. That is going to ruin breasts for me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

FRANK: Me too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

CARL: As medical professionals, it\u2019s incumbent upon us to invent an early detection system so this disease doesn\u2019t ravage perfectly perky gazongas.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JOE: Couldn\u2019t we just, you know, feel for it?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

CARL: Unfortunately, not all cancers can be detected with a good old touch.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JOE: I hear the Germans are doing great things with X-rays. Maybe we can get women to take off their clothes for electromagnetic radiation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

FRANK: Hmm, I like the \u201ctake off their clothes\u201d part, but not doing something tactile feels like a missed opportunity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

TED: Ooh, what about a machine that the boob has to be physically placed inside? Like, by us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JOE: Yes! It could be manhandled onto a steel plate.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

TED: Emphasis on the man!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JOE: And the room could be kept at subzero temperatures, so women get those cute little goose bumps.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

CARL: I believe the scientific term is \u201cpiloerection.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

TED: Yeah, because they give me a pile of erections.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

[Sound of a high five<\/em>]\n\n\n\n

JOE: And then a vice could crank down onto the tit and flatten it to the height of a vinyl record.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

FRANK: What record?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JOE: Bob Dylan?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

TED: Shouldn\u2019t it be a woman?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JOE: Right. Joan Baez?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

TED: Great boobs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

CARL: So the vice crushes the udders until the woman worries they might burst?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JOE: Exactly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

TED: Can they burst?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

CARL: I\u2019m not sure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

FRANK: Me neither.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JOE: Should we order lunch?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

CARL: We\u2019ll need a way to mark the nipple so it doesn\u2019t look like an abnormality on the image.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

FRANK: Right\u2026 what about an industrial adhesive tape that would come very close to ripping off the skin?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JOE: Smart.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

TED: And if the nipple does rip off, we could stop the milk from pouring out with our mouths.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

CARL: Naturally.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

SANDRA: Maybe we could also use this technology to detect cancer in men\u2019s testicles.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

TED: \u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

CARL: \u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

FRANK: \u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JOE: \u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

CARL: Sandra, could you get us lunch? I have a strange craving for pancakes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

[Audible sigh<\/em>]\n\n\n\n

JOE: Here\u2019s a question: What if smashing the hooters permanently damages them?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

FRANK: Oh, god. That would be worse than cancer. Maybe we could invent a separate procedure to plump them up. Like, an augmentation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

TED: Yes! We could offer it to all women, independent of the cancer stuff.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JOE: Absolutely.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

FRANK: It would only be fair.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

CARL: Well, gentlemen, this has been very productive. All that\u2019s left is a name for the test.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JOE: How about the Chest Ray?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

FRANK: The AwoogaTron?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

TED: The Come to Papa 3000?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

FRANK: The Gusher Crusher?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JOE: Pillow Press?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

FRANK: Tit Stop?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

TED: Teet-o-gram?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JOE: Can-o-gram?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

TED: MAN-o-gram! You know, since we invented it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

CARL: Oh, that\u2019s good.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

SANDRA: Here are your pancakes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

JOE: Thank you, ma\u2019am.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

[Gasps<\/em>]\n\n\n\n

TED\/JOE\/FRANK\/CARL: Ma\u2019am-o-gram!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u00a9 Gemma can fly \/ Stocksy United My gynecologist suggested that, since I am approaching 45 (sigh!), it is time for a mammogram. This is what women your age have to go through, he added. He explained the procedure to me, and I left his office with weird feelings. This will hurt for sure, I … <\/p>\n

Continue reading “.Gyno Advice.”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_ml_titleColor":"#000000","_ml_titleFont":"Roboto","_ml_titleFontSize":1.136,"_ml_titleFontWeight":"400","_ml_titleLineHeight":1.3,"_ml_metaColor":"#708090","_ml_metaFont":"Montserrat","_ml_metaFontSize":0.6785,"_ml_metaFontWeight":"400","_ml_metaLineHeight":0.92,"_ml_bodyColor":"#a9a9a9","_ml_bodyFont":"Open Sans","_ml_bodyFontSize":0.85,"_ml_bodyFontWeight":"400","_ml_bodyLineHeight":1.2,"_ml_wooPriceColor":"#666","_ml_wooPriceFont":"Open Sans","_ml_wooPriceFontSize":0.9,"_ml_wooPriceFontWeight":"400","_ml_wooPriceLineHeight":1.27,"_ml_headingColor":"#000","_ml_headingFont":"Merriweather","_ml_headingFontSize":2.02,"_ml_headingFontWeight":"700","_ml_headingLineHeight":1.47,"_mlglobal_userfontcolors":{"headingColorUser":[],"titleColorUser":[],"metaColorUser":[],"bodyColorUser":[],"wooPriceColorUser":[]},"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6956","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-minimalism-lifestyle"],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t