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On Sunday, I will turn 45 (gulp!). When did this happen? The older I get, the more I realize that I want to give birthday parties a second thought and change things up a bit. Like celebrate just by and with myself at a Yoga retreat or with my lovlies far away from people in peace and quiet. Without stress, without huge birthday preparations, satisfying everyone but myself because who has all the work in the end anyway? So, this year I will escape. Because I can. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I recently read (and loved)\u00a0Julia Turshen<\/a>\u2019s letter\u00a0\u201c40 bits of advice\u201d<\/a>\u00a0that she shared when she turned 40. It gave me the idea for this article.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ve been nervous to publish this, because who am I to offer life advice?!? When I told a friend about this article his response was, \u201c45 pieces?!? That\u2019s way too much advice,\u201d which made me crack up and also feel very old.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The below are things I\u2019ve learned that work for my<\/em> life, not necessarily anyone else\u2019s. So please, take them with a GIANT grain of salt and know that I still feel quite clueless. But these hold true for me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

On Friendship<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. We don\u2019t make friends, we recognize them. With the closest friends I have, I didn\u2019t have to try. They appeared in my life, and I recognized them immediately. Being friends should be joyous and easy, not hard.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. If you want to make friends, do an activity that you love. You will find your people there. For me it\u2019s\u00a0hanging out in bookstores, books and writing. Also, I don’t trust people who gossip about people they still hang out with. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

3. Old friends are the best friends. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have had my best friend Veronika for 42 years so far. Even though we don’t see each other so often. But whenever we do, it seems we have never been apart. Nurturing friendships with people who have known the little-you is so important. I think getting back to that person I always was is a hugely important part of life. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

On Gifts<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

4. Keep a note on your phone and jot down any time a friend mentions something they like, or you have an idea of something to give them. It makes it much easier to give thoughtful gifts around holidays and birthdays.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

5. I think it\u2019s important not only to be a giver, but also to be someone who can receive a gift (or a compliment, or help). I know a lot of people who are wonderful gift-givers, but they can clam up when you give them a gift.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

On Aging<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

6. It happens fast and out of nowhere.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

7. I recently read that you are only as young as you are flexible. Cool! I am super flexible. But I\u2019m working on it (running, Yoga) because I do believe this sentiment is true.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

8. When I hear the term \u201cthinning hair,\u201d I thought it meant going bald. I inherited super thick, strong, and healthy hair so no worries there. But I don’t put any chemicals (dyes, straighening, gels, lotions and potions) in my hair at all. Just keeping them as natural (no blowdryer) as they are works really well for me. Less is definitely more. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

9. I take a B-vitamin supplement daily, eat whole foods as much as I can and stay away from anything processed. Less is more here, too. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

On Relationships<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

10. Marriage is overrated. Staying together with the person I love without this piece of paper works well for me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

11. For me, the number one most important quality in a partner is that they make you laugh, that they are honest, and a little bit crazy. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

12. I do believe opposites attract. I think sometimes you end up with the one person who has everything you lack and therefore, knows how to push every single button you have. In my head, I try to frame it as \u201cThis person was put here to teach me something I need to learn.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

13. Ask for what you need! Nobody is a mindreader. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

On Money<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

14. Have separate bank accounts. Avoids a lot of fights.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

15. If you can, pay yourself first. Put money in a savings account at the beginning of the month. Put away money for your kid(s). Do it when your kids are little and be religious about it. When unexpected payments appear out of nowhere (they always do for some reason) you will have money to pay for it and it doesn’t hurt as much. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

16. I\u2019ve found it\u2019s better to save up for a really beautiful item I\u2019m proud to own vs. buying something less special. I end up saving money in the end because I use the piece I love so much more often and keep it forever.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

17. Minimalism works really well for me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

18. Energy is money. If you are excited about something, you will naturally have energy for it. Good energy and true passion lead to success, I find.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

On Stress<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

19. Don\u2019t borrow trouble. Don\u2019t add more stress and problems to your plate. Don\u2019t worry about shit you don\u2019t need to. Don\u2019t create problems where they don\u2019t exist. Life is hard enough.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

20. I\u2019ve found Yoga to be meditative. Discovering something you can do that makes you fully present and clears your mind completely is so beneficial. Could be an exercise class that\u2019s so hard you can\u2019t think, could literally be actual meditation. Whatever it is, it\u2019s very important to quiet your mind. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

21. This\u00a0parable<\/a>\u00a0has saved my mental health multiple times.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

22. Let go of bullshit! In the most stressful moments of my life, this phrase has looped over and over in my head. I\u2019m more of a spiritual person than a religious person, but sometimes things get so stressful you need to simply let go. You can\u2019t control your way out of every situation. Do the best you can and then let it go. Picture getting tumbled by a wave. Fighting against the wave is a losing proposition. Only when you totally release do you float to the surface.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

23. Focus on what\u2019s working. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

24. Even during the dark times, don\u2019t forget to bloom.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

On Life<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

25. Everyone is fighting a battle, and we might not see it. I try not to assume everything is the way it looks on the outside. Everyone could use a bit of grace.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

26. Assume positive intent.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

27. Have an attitude of gratitude. If you find yourself complaining, annoyed by a situation, try to fill a whole page with only positive aspects. There really are always flowers for those who look for them.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

28. Hurt people hurt people. People who treat you poorly, act cooler than you, exclude you, are mean, etc, aren\u2019t happy. Try to remember the way people behave is about them and not you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

29. You can\u2019t please everyone. I am super sensitive and grew up prioritizing other people\u2019s feelings. I get hurt when people say something mean, or especially if they assume I did something that I didn\u2019t intend to do. I fail when I stray from my value system. The times I\u2019ve rightfully gotten down on myself were those times I behaved in a way that was not aligned with my core values. So I try to stick to what I believe in at my core. And if someone has a problem with that, then I have to be ok with it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

30. Keep it cute. You will never regret being kind. This is what I remind myself, especially when someone has royally pissed me off.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

On Motherhood<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

31. People can sometimes make you feel like shit if for example breastfeeding doesn\u2019t work for you. It\u2019s not intentional, but the smugness is sometimes there. Here\u2019s the thing: after about two years of age, no one is breastfeeding anymore, and it can\u2019t be lorded over you. Keep going, believing in your situation. Whatever works well for you. Your version is not better than any other form of feeding, and people who make you feel bad if you can\u2019t or don\u2019t are insecure in themselves, and it has nothing to do with you. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

32. When I was struggling with my son people often would say to me, \u201cLittle kids, little problems, big kids, big problems.\u201d I wanted to drop kick them. I was SO tired, so stressed. I could barely function. And you\u2019re telling me it gets worse?!? The first bit of advice is DO NOT EVER say this to a parent of young kids. The second bit of advice is that it\u2019s true. Young kids are more physically exhausting. Older kids are more emotionally exhausting. I find it\u2019s more enjoyable to be tired with cute babies than to feel like someone took my stomach out of my body and is stomping it into the ground as a parent of an older kid. That\u2019s how badly it hurts when your kid is struggling, or when other kids are mean. Being a mom is hard no matter how you slice it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

33. Spend time with yourself. Your life is not on a complete hold, just because you have kids. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

34. Motherhood is the toughest, challenging but also nicest thing I have done in my life. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

On Work<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

35. The nuts and bolts of the job are not your only job. It\u2019s also important to be personable, friendly, and easy to work with. A lot of people forget this part. If you\u2019re an intern, be bold and introduce yourself. If you\u2019re shy, pick your head up and say hello in the hallway. If you\u2019re senior level, offer to grab coffee for someone else. I think about 60% of doing a good job is the literal job functions. 40% is the soft skills.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

36. Come from a place of \u201cyes.\u201d Try to find a solution.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

37. Don\u2019t stress out over nothing. Usually, nothing is eaten as hotly as it is cooked. Wait, relax, and let time pass.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

38. Talk like a human.\u00a0<\/strong>Forget the jargon and swear a little. Use the words \u201cshit and fuck\u201d sometimes even though your middle school English teacher feels it in their soul like a voodoo doll. And shoutout others when they have really good ideas, regardless of whether the idea included the words \u201cMandatory Online Training.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

On Writing<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

39. Scan your piece for the words \u201calways\u201d and \u201cnever\u201d and remove them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

40. Less is more. Writing \u201cI am powerful\u201d is more powerful than writing \u201cI am very, very powerful.\u201d Make sense?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

41. Here\u2019s a bit of writing advice that applies to nearly everything in life: the specific is universal. For example, if you tell me you loved a meal you ate, it won\u2019t have much of an impact on me. If you tell me about the chicken pot pie your mom made you with carrots and a flaky crust, I relate to it more. In life, this is true too. The more specific you are, the more personal, the more you connect with others. Seems counterintuitive, but it\u2019s true. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

General Advice<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

42. \u00a0You feel misunderstood. Everyone is misunderstood. Don\u2019t worry about other people understanding you. Aim to understand yourself. Nothing else will matter after that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

43. Accept yourself. If you can\u2019t be happy with yourself, at least accept yourself as you are right now. You can\u2019t change yourself if you don\u2019t know yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

44. Slow down. Lao Tzu: \u201cNature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

45. Allow yourself to fail. Allow yourself to doubt. Allow yourself to feel vulnerable. Allow yourself to change your mind. Allow yourself to be imperfect.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Thanks so much for reading through. Happy birthday to me! Wow, 45 years on this planet! Off to new adventures. <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I hope there\u2019s something that resonates with you, and I\u2019d love to hear any favorite advice you live by, too! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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On Sunday, I will turn 45 (gulp!). When did this happen? The older I get, the more I realize that I want to give birthday parties a second thought and change things up a bit. Like celebrate just by and with myself at a Yoga retreat or with my lovlies far away from people in … <\/p>\n

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