{"id":6893,"date":"2026-02-06T05:44:57","date_gmt":"2026-02-06T05:44:57","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/?p=6893"},"modified":"2026-02-06T05:44:59","modified_gmt":"2026-02-06T05:44:59","slug":"necessary-list-for-having-a-baby","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/?p=6893","title":{"rendered":".Necessary List for Having a Baby."},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n
\n

Me, posing and staring at my son who is doing something he is not supposed to. <\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

So you want to have a baby. Spring is around the corner and people are getting ready to reproduce. I heard too much baby-talk lately so I think it is necessary to enlighten some of you out there. Let\u2019s get pregnant, honey. That\u2019s the biggest decision you\u2019ve ever made in your life. And with it comes an endless list of to-dos, supply needs, and pointers to make sure you don\u2019t screw up this kid\u2019s childhood. But before you get to any of that, have you double-checked that you have all the necessary prerequisites to be eligible for the role of \u201cparent\u201d?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Surely, if you\u2019re ready to take on that responsibility, all of the below should be no problem:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00a0Keep a minimum of two plants alive for at least three months<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00a0Plug in your phone before going to bed so it\u2019s not dead when you wake up five nights in a row<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00a0Mark all 6,709 unread emails on your phone as \u201cread\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00a0Learn the difference once and for all between shallots, scallops, and scallions<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00a0Cancel the subscription to the gym membership you accidentally enrolled in five years ago<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00a0Carry a watermelon around for a full day without dropping it<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00a0Schedule a doctor\u2019s appointment about that thing<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00a0Schedule a dentist appointment about that other thing<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00a0Schedule a therapist appointment about many things<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00a0Breathe exclusively through your nose until you\u2019re done reading this list<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00a0Delete any tweets you may have written talking shit about babies<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00a0Ask your parents if your own existence was really worth the effort<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00a0Schedule another therapist appointment after the above conversation<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00a0Three to five years relevant experience in keeping yourself and things (plants, cats, dogs, fishies\u2026.) alive <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00a0Ask yourself if you really want to go back to living with a roommate at this stage of your life<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00a0Review your calendar and make sure you don\u2019t have any commitments over the next two decades that would conflict with raising a child<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00a0Watch\u00a0Being John Malkovich<\/em>\u00a0right away. This has nothing to do with learning about parenting, but it\u2019s just the kind of movie that\u2019s a little too heady for a baby to appreciate<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00a0Listen to \u201cLandslide\u201d by Fleetwood Mac without crying<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00a0Listen to \u201cLandslide\u201d by Fleetwood Mac and realize that it\u2019s actually brave if you cry<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00a0Couldn\u2019t hurt to brush up on your multiplication tables<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00a0Start eliminating baby names based on who\u2019s trending online<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00a0Unmute all your parent friends whose Instagram posts are quickly shifting from obnoxious to relatable<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00a0Forget every statistic you\u2019ve ever read about climate change and overpopulation <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00a0Get in the habit of spelling out words you don\u2019t want your kid to repeat, like F-U-C-K-I-N-G-S-H-I-T<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00a0Google \u201chaving baby scared don\u2019t know what i\u2019m doing\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00a0Get ahead of the curve and familiarize yourself with the\u00a0PAW\u00a0Patrol<\/em> extended universe<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00a0Shriek in the background of your partner\u2019s Zoom calls to make sure they\u2019ve got a handle on the mute button<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00a0Attend a mandatory three-hour virtual seminar about how to properly onboard your baby into existence<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00a0Update your household\u2019s style guide to render a verdict on whether to call the baby by its first name, a nickname, or \u201cMr. Baby\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00a0Reach out to current moms (at any child stage but preferably newborns or teenagers) you know for an informational coffee at their home with the kid(s) present <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00a0Remember that no matter how unfathomable becoming a parent may seem, literally billions of people have done it before you, and most of them didn\u2019t have iPads to shove in front of their kids\u2019 faces when things got tough. It will be miserable, it will be the best thing that\u2019s ever happened to you, and it will be a great excuse to stock up on applesauce<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00a0Oh shit, almost forgot:\u00a0DIAPERS. Jesus, yes, definitely get an avalanche of diapers. However many diapers you think you need, quadruple it. You will no longer have a home. You\u2019ll have a diaper storage unit with beds in it<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Me, posing and staring at my son who is doing something he is not supposed to. So you want to have a baby. Spring is around the corner and people are getting ready to reproduce. I heard too much baby-talk lately so I think it…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_ml_titleColor":"#000000","_ml_titleFont":"Roboto","_ml_titleFontSize":1.136,"_ml_titleFontWeight":"400","_ml_titleLineHeight":1.3,"_ml_metaColor":"#708090","_ml_metaFont":"Montserrat","_ml_metaFontSize":0.6785,"_ml_metaFontWeight":"400","_ml_metaLineHeight":0.92,"_ml_bodyColor":"#a9a9a9","_ml_bodyFont":"Open Sans","_ml_bodyFontSize":0.85,"_ml_bodyFontWeight":"400","_ml_bodyLineHeight":1.2,"_ml_wooPriceColor":"#666","_ml_wooPriceFont":"Open Sans","_ml_wooPriceFontSize":0.9,"_ml_wooPriceFontWeight":"400","_ml_wooPriceLineHeight":1.27,"_ml_headingColor":"#000","_ml_headingFont":"Merriweather","_ml_headingFontSize":2.02,"_ml_headingFontWeight":"700","_ml_headingLineHeight":1.47,"_mlglobal_userfontcolors":{"headingColorUser":[],"titleColorUser":[],"metaColorUser":[],"bodyColorUser":[],"wooPriceColorUser":[]},"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6893","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-minimalism-lifestyle"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6893","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=6893"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6893\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=6893"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=6893"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=6893"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}