{"id":6661,"date":"2025-04-25T04:47:13","date_gmt":"2025-04-25T04:47:13","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/?p=6661"},"modified":"2025-04-25T04:47:19","modified_gmt":"2025-04-25T04:47:19","slug":"how-to-fly","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/?p=6661","title":{"rendered":".How to Fly."},"content":{"rendered":"
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Let\u2019s just get something straight, right off the bat. By reading this, you, as a human or a super-advanced future dog, are not going to learn how to actually fly. That\u2019s just impossible. Do you have wings? No. Is your butt a jet pack? It is not. I don\u2019t know what the future holds for super-advanced reading dogs, but I\u2019ll bet ten space ice cream bones, or whatever you\u2019re eating, that a jet pack butt is not included. Why do you want to fly anyway? We all know what happened to Icarus. His\u00a0FACE\u00a0melted off when he tried to fly. So just get that idea right out of your cute, furry head!\u00a0OUT, I say! Sit! Stay!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

No, this is how to fly IN an airplane. Not how TO\u00a0FLY\u00a0an airplane. You need to go to school for that. And my flying school is not yet accredited. This is simply how to be a good passenger and make the most of your time in the air.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

While you\u2019re waiting to board the plane, take note of the people also on your flight. Are there any good-looking ones? Of course there aren\u2019t; that never happens. In fact, everyone looks insane because they\u2019re wearing tiny neck pillows. Are you wearing a neck pillow? Ask yourself,\u00a0Is it worth me wearing this neck pillow in public, just walking around, pretending like I\u2019m not wearing a neck pillow when I am, in fact, wearing a neck pillow?<\/em>\u00a0Ask yourself that question three times, just to be sure that you totally agree with your answer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you walk through first class, look each person dead in the eye and mouth \u201casshole.\u201d If you\u2019re wearing a neck pillow, I\u2019m sorry, but you cannot do this.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When the person next to you tries to strike up a conversation, flirtatiously say, \u201cI\u2019d feel a lot more talkative with a drink in me.\u201d And when they offer to buy you a drink, say, \u201cI don\u2019t drink.\u201d Put your head down and cry. If they try to comfort you say, \u201cI could sure use that drink right now.\u201d And they\u2019ll be confused and say, \u201cBut I thought you didn\u2019t drink?\u201d That\u2019s when you scream, \u201cYou don\u2019t know me!\u201d Guarantee you\u2019ll be left alone after that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Press your leg against their leg for the rest of the trip. This will maximize your space and let them know that you aren\u2019t really mad at them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then order an alcoholic drink and stare at them as you down it in one gulp, letting tears steadily roll down your cheeks. This will also let them know that you\u2019re not mad and are in fact sorry for yelling at them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you watch television, do not utilize the buttons on your armrest. Change the channel and volume on the actual screen, with short, powerful jabs. That way, you will have more precision in your channel and volume changing, but you will also be providing a free massage to the person in the seat in front of you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When the plane lands, clap loudly. Everyone loves this.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you exit your row, make sure to cut in front of at least three people who are waiting to get out from the rows ahead of you. Because they need a good healthy lesson in \u201cyou snooze, you lose.\u201d In fact, as you rush past them feel free to say, \u201cyou snooze, you lose\u201d but\u00a0ONLY\u00a0if you are not wearing a neck pillow. Because if you are, you clearly subscribe to the \u201cyou snooze, you win\u201d philosophy. Listen, there\u2019s a reason \u201cyou snooze, you win\u201d is not a phrase listed in the Urban Dictionary. It is both false and not rhyming. Just take off the damn neck pillow.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Have a safe and pleasant flight. And don\u2019t be an asshole. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Let\u2019s just get something straight, right off the bat. By reading this, you, as a human or a super-advanced future dog, are not going to learn how to actually fly. That\u2019s just impossible. Do you have wings? No. Is your butt a jet pack? It…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_ml_titleColor":"#000000","_ml_titleFont":"Roboto","_ml_titleFontSize":1.136,"_ml_titleFontWeight":"400","_ml_titleLineHeight":1.3,"_ml_metaColor":"#708090","_ml_metaFont":"Montserrat","_ml_metaFontSize":0.6785,"_ml_metaFontWeight":"400","_ml_metaLineHeight":0.92,"_ml_bodyColor":"#a9a9a9","_ml_bodyFont":"Open Sans","_ml_bodyFontSize":0.85,"_ml_bodyFontWeight":"400","_ml_bodyLineHeight":1.2,"_ml_wooPriceColor":"#666","_ml_wooPriceFont":"Open Sans","_ml_wooPriceFontSize":0.9,"_ml_wooPriceFontWeight":"400","_ml_wooPriceLineHeight":1.27,"_ml_headingColor":"#000","_ml_headingFont":"Merriweather","_ml_headingFontSize":2.02,"_ml_headingFontWeight":"700","_ml_headingLineHeight":1.47,"_mlglobal_userfontcolors":{"headingColorUser":[],"titleColorUser":[],"metaColorUser":[],"bodyColorUser":[],"wooPriceColorUser":[]},"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6661","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-minimalism-lifestyle"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6661","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=6661"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6661\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=6661"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=6661"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=6661"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}