{"id":6590,"date":"2025-01-10T05:52:05","date_gmt":"2025-01-10T05:52:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/?p=6590"},"modified":"2025-01-15T08:23:57","modified_gmt":"2025-01-15T08:23:57","slug":"translation-of-common-job-descriptions","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/?p=6590","title":{"rendered":".Translation of Common Job Descriptions."},"content":{"rendered":"
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\u201cMinimum of 2 years of experience in a similar role\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ideally, you will have at least 45 years of experience in this exact role. Though, we do want you to be fresh, hip, and innovative. So maybe you can be, like, a clone of Frank, your predecessor, but with some genes from Justin Timberlake spliced in.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cUndergraduate degree required, master preferred\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

You have a master\u2019s degree. But it is in English or Philosophy or Theatre or Psychology or some other Liberal Arts concentration that is so woefully useless you\u2019ve stopped putting it on your resume. But that\u2019s good. We like humble candidates. And, even better, this way we know that you\u2019re skilled at prioritizing, cutting the fat, focusing, etcetera. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHighly organized individual with the ability to manage multiple tasks\u201d<\/strong> <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Truthfully, we are all slobs. You should see the break room. But not you. You\u2019re the type that organizes the dishes in the dishwasher according to size and color. Your underwear has your damn name stitched into the waistband\u2014not written with magic marker\u2014stitched. And multiple tasks? You need to be like a Hindu deity juggling swords, reading Proust, baking ziti, tuning a harp, and doing cat\u2019s cradle\u2014all with one eye overseeing a toddler armed with matches and a gas can, and the other eye trying to blink out\u00a0Pride and Prejudice <\/em>by Jane Austen in Morse code.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSelf-starter who is comfortable trying new things and is quick at learning\u201d <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

We are not going to teach you a damn thing. In fact, you\u2019re lucky if the janitor makes eye contact with you. You\u2019re all on your own, truly on your own. Think that mom in\u00a0Room<\/em>\u00a0had it bad? Just wait. You\u2019ll need to go from rookie to post-human android virtuoso in about two weeks. All. By. Your. Self. One week would be best. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cFamiliar with digital tools and technologies\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Honestly, we have no idea what this actually means but if you know what a computer is you can start in any of our IT Units right away. And even be a supervisor. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAnalytical and strategic mindset\u201d <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

You\u2019re like the love child of Noam Chomsky and Stephen Hawking playing Scrabble. What the hell does that mean? If you\u2019re the right fit, you\u2019ll know.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cStrong communication skills\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The focus here is on strong. We want meaty communication from you. Steroid communication. When you\u2019re getting your point across, not only the person you\u2019re talking to, but the whole office should understand what you\u2019re saying. But you should be nice too. Comforting even. Actually, really comforting. Like a smooth Bob Ross lullaby. Because, deep down, all of your coworkers\u2014especially the management\u2014are just afraid, insecure, and in need of nurturing and encouraging words. But also keep it strong. That communication should rip the skin off our faces.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cExperience with Microsoft Office, Adobe Photoshop, and Google Docs preferred\u201d <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

You really think that\u2019s it? My grandmother rifles through spreadsheets like bingo cards. My son can put a Kim Kardashian ass on Michael Jackson while watching Mr Beast. We want you to come in with experiences with software we\u2019ve never even heard of. Surprise us. No, but seriously. You have to. But then you might not get the desired position. And no promotion. Be aware of that. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cTeam player with a positive attitude and a sense of humor\u201d <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

You know how you spell \u201cteam\u201d in Albanian? It\u2019s \u201cekip.\u201d So, fuck you, there is an \u201cI\u201d in \u201cteam.\u201d You better act like it too. And your attitude should be exactly what we say it is. At all times. And for Christ\u2019s sake, don\u2019t laugh. Ever. And don\u2019t criticise coworkers. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cA portfolio that demonstrates your skills\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

You know what? Actually, forget it. We\u2019re just going to hire our boy Tom with the lisp down in accounting. He\u2019s cool. Plus, he was on our Volleyball team. And he doesn\u2019t mind only making 25000 Euros a year. So, good luck.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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\u201cMinimum of 2 years of experience in a similar role\u201d Ideally, you will have at least 45 years of experience in this exact role. Though, we do want you to be fresh, hip, and innovative. So maybe you can be, like, a clone of Frank,…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_ml_titleColor":"#000000","_ml_titleFont":"Roboto","_ml_titleFontSize":1.136,"_ml_titleFontWeight":"400","_ml_titleLineHeight":1.3,"_ml_metaColor":"#708090","_ml_metaFont":"Montserrat","_ml_metaFontSize":0.6785,"_ml_metaFontWeight":"400","_ml_metaLineHeight":0.92,"_ml_bodyColor":"#a9a9a9","_ml_bodyFont":"Open Sans","_ml_bodyFontSize":0.85,"_ml_bodyFontWeight":"400","_ml_bodyLineHeight":1.2,"_ml_wooPriceColor":"#666","_ml_wooPriceFont":"Open Sans","_ml_wooPriceFontSize":0.9,"_ml_wooPriceFontWeight":"400","_ml_wooPriceLineHeight":1.27,"_ml_headingColor":"#000","_ml_headingFont":"Merriweather","_ml_headingFontSize":2.02,"_ml_headingFontWeight":"700","_ml_headingLineHeight":1.47,"_mlglobal_userfontcolors":{"headingColorUser":[],"titleColorUser":[],"metaColorUser":[],"bodyColorUser":[],"wooPriceColorUser":[]},"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6590","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-minimalism-lifestyle"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6590","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=6590"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6590\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=6590"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=6590"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=6590"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}