{"id":6542,"date":"2024-10-25T04:51:12","date_gmt":"2024-10-25T04:51:12","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/?p=6542"},"modified":"2024-10-25T04:51:16","modified_gmt":"2024-10-25T04:51:16","slug":"every-person-in-every-meeting","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/?p=6542","title":{"rendered":".Every Person in Every Meeting."},"content":{"rendered":"
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SEAN: Happy Monday, everyone. This is me, your boss, pretending that the beginning of your fifty-hour work week is a good thing. It isn\u2019t. I will now ask about everyone\u2019s weekend and say, \u201cHope no one did anything I wouldn\u2019t do.\u201d This won\u2019t make sense, as I\u2019m the most boring person here. Also, we have to discuss budget cuts. This is really important. Now, I\u2019m going to throw things over to our office manager, Kevin.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

KEVIN: Let\u2019s kick things off with this week\u2019s calendar. As you can see, we\u2019re up to our eyeballs with work, but I will ask everyone to stretch their bandwidth and reach goals so unachievable that they\u2019ll strain each of our marriages.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

STEPHANIE: I am in HR. I smile too much and have a strange energy about me. When someone brought up the last party with management and laughs and rolls the eyes about what I did I just say, \u201cOnce you see me, you never really forget me.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

MARK:\u00a0HELLO. I\u2019M\u00a0THE\u00a0GUY\u00a0IN\u00a0EVERY\u00a0MEETING\u00a0WHO\u00a0HAS\u00a0NO\u00a0CONTROL\u00a0OVER\u00a0HIS\u00a0VOICE OR WHAT I SAY BUT I WANT TO SOUND IMPORTANT.\u00a0YOU\u00a0CAN\u00a0SEE\u00a0ALL\u00a0OF MY\u00a0TEETH WHEN\u00a0I\u00a0TALK.\u00a0WHEN\u00a0I\u00a0LAUGH, I\u00a0SLAM\u00a0MY\u00a0HANDS\u00a0ON\u00a0THE DESK\u00a0LIKE\u00a0A\u00a0GAVEL. IT\u2019S\u00a0LIKE\u00a0I\u2019M\u00a0THE\u00a0JUDGE\u00a0OF\u00a0GIGGLES.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

HOLLY: Hey, I am the new office intern. A single conversation with me will make you feel as old as Christ himself. I am a reminder that my generation is on the brink of replacing you. When you mention a skill that took you years to master, I\u2019ll mention that it took me a week. You\u2019ll look at me and see an hourglass. And with each drop of sand, you draw closer to total and complete irrelevance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

ADAM: I am in data and research. I have a Windows laptop and will always find a moment to explain why these computers are superior. I am here to present a slideshow so dull that it legally counts as melatonin.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

CHASE: I am the marketing manager, and I only speak\u2014and make love\u2014in business jargon. Per my last email, let\u2019s revisit those deliverables and double-check that we have all our ducks in a row before going to market. Speaking of the market, I wonder if we can get a top-down view of Holly\u2019s new blouse. I\u2019m also sexually inappropriate. Shouldn\u2019t we discuss budget cuts? I love your skirt, Holly. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

DENISE: Sorry to cut in, but I\u2019m from PR, and I wanted to say that beginning next week, each of you will be forced to complete sexual harassment surveys. Each one will be ninety minutes long and difficult to navigate. There will be so many buttons that do absolutely nothing. Don\u2019t even bother trying to minimize the screen or mute the video. Those buttons have been reprogrammed to fire you. Also, there will be eight hours of mandatory in-person training for everyone coming up next week. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

GRANT: I am from IT. For some reason, I am allowed to dress far more casually than everyone else here. I\u2019ll begin by stressing the importance of updating various apps and the consequences of not doing so. Failure to complete these updates will make my job incredibly difficult. I am not exaggerating when I say I will be up for days fixing these issues. My wife will consider terminating our marriage because I won\u2019t be able to see my family\u2014<\/p>\n\n\n\n

KENDALL: My position in the company is nebulous. This intimidates everyone. Despite it only pertaining to one person in this room, I\u2019m going to stay on a specific topic for twenty minutes. Our inside jokes will soar right over everyone\u2019s heads. By the end, you will wonder why this person and I didn\u2019t have an entirely separate meeting. To make matters worse, they are calling in via video call.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

MICHAEL\u00a0(over video call<\/em>): Hello! Hello? As you can see, I\u2019m (dog barks in background<\/em>) working from home today. Now, let me be the first to say budget cuts aren\u2019t fun and the last management party\u2014<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Static.<\/em>)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

MARK:\u00a0HELLO?\u00a0MICHAEL?\u00a0CAN\u00a0YOU\u00a0HEAR\u00a0US? I AM\u00a0SHOUTING\u00a0TO\u00a0THE\u00a0HEAVENS.\u00a0SEE\u00a0ALL\u00a0MY\u00a0TEETH?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Screen goes black.<\/em>)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

SEAN: Well, looks like we lost him. I will worsen the mood by saying this is exactly why we should be back in the office five days a week. People will not look me in the eye after this meeting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

BRIAN: I am the office jokester. Here comes something unfunny. People will laugh out of courtesy. This will encourage me and extend my reign as the most insufferable person here.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

SEAN: Good one, Brian. Now, if we can circle back to what I said at the top, we can get things moving along\u2026 The budget cuts we still need to discuss. What? It\u2019s been forty-five minutes already? Well, it looks like we\u2019re staying longer, folks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

SEAN: Happy Monday, everyone. This is me, your boss, pretending that the beginning of your fifty-hour work week is a good thing. It isn\u2019t. I will now ask about everyone\u2019s weekend and say, \u201cHope no one did anything I wouldn\u2019t do.\u201d This won\u2019t make sense,…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_ml_titleColor":"#000000","_ml_titleFont":"Roboto","_ml_titleFontSize":1.136,"_ml_titleFontWeight":"400","_ml_titleLineHeight":1.3,"_ml_metaColor":"#708090","_ml_metaFont":"Montserrat","_ml_metaFontSize":0.6785,"_ml_metaFontWeight":"400","_ml_metaLineHeight":0.92,"_ml_bodyColor":"#a9a9a9","_ml_bodyFont":"Open Sans","_ml_bodyFontSize":0.85,"_ml_bodyFontWeight":"400","_ml_bodyLineHeight":1.2,"_ml_wooPriceColor":"#666","_ml_wooPriceFont":"Open Sans","_ml_wooPriceFontSize":0.9,"_ml_wooPriceFontWeight":"400","_ml_wooPriceLineHeight":1.27,"_ml_headingColor":"#000","_ml_headingFont":"Merriweather","_ml_headingFontSize":2.02,"_ml_headingFontWeight":"700","_ml_headingLineHeight":1.47,"_mlglobal_userfontcolors":{"headingColorUser":[],"titleColorUser":[],"metaColorUser":[],"bodyColorUser":[],"wooPriceColorUser":[]},"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6542","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-minimalism-lifestyle"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6542","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=6542"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6542\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=6542"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=6542"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=6542"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}