{"id":6493,"date":"2024-08-02T05:26:26","date_gmt":"2024-08-02T05:26:26","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/?p=6493"},"modified":"2024-08-02T05:26:29","modified_gmt":"2024-08-02T05:26:29","slug":"body-maintenance-update","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/?p=6493","title":{"rendered":".Body Maintenance Update."},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

We are writing to inform you that Your Body (\u201cyou,\u201d \u201cyourself,\u201d \u201cyour aging body\u201d) has updated its terms of service, which apply to the use of all your Parts and Areas. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

We encourage you to review the updated Terms before you attempt any dangerous activity, such as playing with your dog or walking uphill. Our other legal policies are available in our Depressing Policy Center.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Updated Terms<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

I. Food and Beverage<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n


a. Alcohol<\/strong>\u00a0No alcohol at all. The best choice ever. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

b. Caffeine<\/strong> is one of three good things that exist. The others are love and the Fleetwood Mac album Rumours<\/em>. However, like the relationship between Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham, your body\u2019s relationship to caffeine is a productive yet fraught dance. If you consume any caffeine after 1 p.m., you won\u2019t get any sleep and will wake up hating the world. Other People\u2019s Bodies can consume caffeine until 3 or 4 p.m. or even have an espresso after dinner. You aren\u2019t them and never will be. Also, if you have more than two (2) cups in a day, you will become convinced that there must be some kind of \u201cdemon\u201d inside your chest and you will never be normal again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

c.<\/strong>\u00a0Despite your many lobbying efforts, chocolate\u00a0is still not considered their own food group on the pyramid and should not be treated as such. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

d. Drinking prodigious amounts of water<\/strong> won\u2019t solve any of your problems, but not drinking prodigious amounts of water can certainly make a few of them worse.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

II. Exercise<\/strong>
a.<\/strong>\u00a0Your Body and Mind require\u00a04\u20136 days of exercise per week<\/strong>, unless you want to go to sleep hating the world. Unfortunately, every kind of exercise that you enjoy causes Your Body\u2019s back, knees, or ankles to enter \u201cThe Zone of Desolation.\u201d Ashtanga Yoga works best for your body. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

b.<\/strong>\u00a0If any physical pain ever starts to feel depressing, it could help to look on\u00a0the bright side<\/strong>: if you were a hunter-gatherer, you\u2019d probably be dead by now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

III. The Life of the Mind<\/strong>
a.<\/strong>\u00a0In college, you would\u00a0read<\/strong>\u00a0one hundred pages per day and write an essay every week. Now, any paragraph of any news article that \u201cseems long\u201d gets skimmed, and you frequently question the names of your friends\u2019 children. For this reason, you are encouraged to skip all news and reread the entire works of Virginia Woolf and stick with it even if a character is described with avian features, like having a \u201cbeak of a nose\u201d or \u201cthe broad face and intense glare of an owl,\u201d which you really hate for some reason.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

b.<\/strong>\u00a0Saying\u00a0Italian\u00a0place or food names with an Italian accent doesn\u2019t count as \u201cpracticing your Italian,\u201d so you are encouraged to stop believing that saying \u201calooooora\u201d with a long o<\/em>\u00a0is doing anything, mentally-wise. Learn another language. French, Japanese, anything that makes you happy. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

IV. Which Organs Still Work<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n


a.<\/strong>\u00a0Your\u00a0kidneys<\/strong>\u00a0seem fine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

b.<\/strong> Your pancreas<\/strong> hasn\u2019t set off any alarms (yet).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

c. Liver<\/strong> is in very good shape. Thank you for not drinking. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

V. Which Organs Are Touch-and-Go<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n


a. Brain.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

b. Eyes.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

c. Ears<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

d. Skin<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

e. Lungs<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

f. Stomach<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

g.<\/strong> All the other ones<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

VI. Psychology<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n


a.<\/strong>\u00a0Abundant studies demonstrate that\u00a0staying optimistic<\/strong>\u00a0about the future helps one remain active and engaged in one\u2019s community, family, and personal wellness. If you ever start to believe that life is a one-way escalator moving downward, ever downward, it is recommended that you stop thinking that somehow.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

b.<\/strong>\u00a0It is crucial to cultivate one\u2019s\u00a0mind-body connection<\/strong>. Reading a study about the benefits of meditation and saying, \u201cI should keep doing that,\u201d is an important first step in realizing that you have no follow-through. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

VII. Service<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n


a.<\/strong>\u00a0As you\u00a0mature<\/strong>\u00a0and move forward in life, you ought to give more of yourself to your community. Since you have so much to offer in terms of physical abilities, wisdom, charm, or general usefulness, consider opening a tiny bookstore. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

b.<\/strong>\u00a0You aren\u2019t\u00a0old enough<\/strong>\u00a0for people to feel like they should serve you by mowing your lawn or bringing you food that is easy to reheat, but if you keep making intensely mediocre decisions, those days will arrive very soon.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

VIII. Benefits<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n


a.<\/strong>\u00a0Your age has earned you the\u00a0right to be cranky<\/strong>. You are allowed, whenever you wish, to say things like \u201cAll leaf blowers must die\u201d and \u201cAs far as I\u2019m concerned, any grocery store that forces you to use self-checkout machines should be considered a terrorist organization.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

b.<\/strong> Once per week, you are allowed to shudder<\/strong> when thinking about what high school would have been like if social media had been around then.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

c.<\/strong>\u00a0If you ever end up having the feeling that you cannot take it anymore, take a deep breath and tell yourself that this too shall pass. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Moving Forward<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

You need not take any action regarding this alarming notice. By continuing to utilize your Parts and Movements on or after today, you agree to the updated Terms. If you have any questions, please don\u2019t hesitate to contact your Prefrontal Cortex or your Limbic System. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

We are writing to inform you that Your Body (\u201cyou,\u201d \u201cyourself,\u201d \u201cyour aging body\u201d) has updated its terms of service, which apply to the use of all your Parts and Areas. We encourage you to review the updated Terms before you attempt any dangerous activity,…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_ml_titleColor":"#000000","_ml_titleFont":"Roboto","_ml_titleFontSize":1.136,"_ml_titleFontWeight":"400","_ml_titleLineHeight":1.3,"_ml_metaColor":"#708090","_ml_metaFont":"Montserrat","_ml_metaFontSize":0.6785,"_ml_metaFontWeight":"400","_ml_metaLineHeight":0.92,"_ml_bodyColor":"#a9a9a9","_ml_bodyFont":"Open Sans","_ml_bodyFontSize":0.85,"_ml_bodyFontWeight":"400","_ml_bodyLineHeight":1.2,"_ml_wooPriceColor":"#666","_ml_wooPriceFont":"Open Sans","_ml_wooPriceFontSize":0.9,"_ml_wooPriceFontWeight":"400","_ml_wooPriceLineHeight":1.27,"_ml_headingColor":"#000","_ml_headingFont":"Merriweather","_ml_headingFontSize":2.02,"_ml_headingFontWeight":"700","_ml_headingLineHeight":1.47,"_mlglobal_userfontcolors":{"headingColorUser":[],"titleColorUser":[],"metaColorUser":[],"bodyColorUser":[],"wooPriceColorUser":[]},"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6493","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-minimalism-lifestyle"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6493","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=6493"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6493\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=6493"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=6493"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=6493"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}