{"id":6467,"date":"2024-07-12T04:53:30","date_gmt":"2024-07-12T04:53:30","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/?p=6467"},"modified":"2024-07-12T04:53:35","modified_gmt":"2024-07-12T04:53:35","slug":"a-donation-in-my-name","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/?p=6467","title":{"rendered":".A Donation in My Name."},"content":{"rendered":"
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Happy birthday! As we wish you another year of joy and prosperity, we also acknowledge that many in the world are less fortunate. So, in lieu of a gift, a donation has been made in your name to several worthy causes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We donated in your name to a charity that gives laptops to endangered wetlands. What they do is whip MacBooks into swamps and hope that the algae and duckweed somehow benefit from the Wi-Fi. It\u2019s a bad idea, but their logo of a frog sitting on a detached keyboard like some nightmare lily pad is pretty cool.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Also, we donated fifty hammers to a nonprofit that forces the president to build houses then knocks them down, so he has to start over. It\u2019s all in good fun, though. They even let him see his family sometimes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But there\u2019s more. Ever heard of the Red Cross? We donated a big blob of congealed blood to their headquarters. It\u2019s blocking all their cars, but imagine what they can do with it once it melts!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Speaking of noble medical causes, we pledged 40,000 Euros in your name to the World Heart Association. We told them you\u2019re good for it, so you better not stiff them. Seriously. They have a guy with wide knuckles whose name is Knuckles. His go-to move? Roundhouse kick.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Of course, money isn\u2019t everything. We also signed you up for an eight-month stint as one of those dunk-tank clowns who amuse children. Only, instead of water, this tank will have scorpions. But they\u2019ll be perfectly harmless once they\u2019ve had their stingers removed, a duty we also signed you up for.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The office supplies we stole from your home were sent to a charity that teaches disadvantaged kids how to write wrong. The staff is tirelessly committed to making the children believe that Ps are Ds, commas are little hooks for words to hang their coats, and vowels are a\u00a0CIA\u00a0hoax.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A subtraction has been made in your name from the local convenience store at gunpoint. We know, your first instinct will be to change your name to avoid prosecution. Don\u2019t. It would be disrespectful to our gift. Plus, somebody\u2019s taking the fall for this, and after all we\u2019ve done for you, it sure as hell won\u2019t be us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A donation has been made in your name to the Zoo to help them buy a hippo that walks around on hind legs and punches walls. If such a hippo does not exist, we\u2019ve included instructions on how to breed one. They\u2019ll need two super aggressive hippos, plus a bed with silk sheets. Knuckles will be on hand to ensure no one mutes the slow jams.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We have founded our own charity and made a sizable donation in your name using some of the convenience store funds. Our mission? To send a second Mars rover up there to knife the first one and make the whole thing look like an accident. We\u2019re giving it a bag of space drugs to plant.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You\u2019re probably wondering why we\u2019ve given so generously in your name even though we\u2019ve only just met. Well, now we\u2019re donating to a charity that says we don\u2019t have to answer that. It\u2019s a free country, and if we want to tail a random stranger for weeks without their knowledge before walking into their backyard birthday party, that\u2019s no one\u2019s business but ours.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you didn\u2019t want us here, you should have made your fence taller and more slick.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This will not stop until you donate to Habitat for Embarrassment, a new organization dedicated to humiliating you, specifically. Next week they\u2019re having a banquet where a boys\u2019 choir sings about you not being able to do a handstand yet. They\u2019re hosting a 5K where all the runners have vowed never to have sex with you. They raffled off the chance to kick you with a big shoe.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anyway, nice to meet you\u2014have a great night. Also, we will be donating your other presents to the trunk of your car, then donating your car to ourselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

See you at Christmas! Until then, have an awesome Birthday. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Happy birthday! As we wish you another year of joy and prosperity, we also acknowledge that many in the world are less fortunate. So, in lieu of a gift, a donation has been made in your name to several worthy causes. We donated in your name to a charity that gives laptops to endangered wetlands. … <\/p>\n

Continue reading “.A Donation in My Name.”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_ml_titleColor":"#000000","_ml_titleFont":"Roboto","_ml_titleFontSize":1.136,"_ml_titleFontWeight":"400","_ml_titleLineHeight":1.3,"_ml_metaColor":"#708090","_ml_metaFont":"Montserrat","_ml_metaFontSize":0.6785,"_ml_metaFontWeight":"400","_ml_metaLineHeight":0.92,"_ml_bodyColor":"#a9a9a9","_ml_bodyFont":"Open Sans","_ml_bodyFontSize":0.85,"_ml_bodyFontWeight":"400","_ml_bodyLineHeight":1.2,"_ml_wooPriceColor":"#666","_ml_wooPriceFont":"Open Sans","_ml_wooPriceFontSize":0.9,"_ml_wooPriceFontWeight":"400","_ml_wooPriceLineHeight":1.27,"_ml_headingColor":"#000","_ml_headingFont":"Merriweather","_ml_headingFontSize":2.02,"_ml_headingFontWeight":"700","_ml_headingLineHeight":1.47,"_mlglobal_userfontcolors":{"headingColorUser":[],"titleColorUser":[],"metaColorUser":[],"bodyColorUser":[],"wooPriceColorUser":[]},"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6467","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-minimalism-lifestyle"],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t