{"id":6425,"date":"2024-04-19T04:45:20","date_gmt":"2024-04-19T04:45:20","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/?p=6425"},"modified":"2024-04-19T04:45:28","modified_gmt":"2024-04-19T04:45:28","slug":"the-flu-my-colleagues-at-work-gave-me","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/?p=6425","title":{"rendered":".The Flu My Colleagues At Work Gave Me."},"content":{"rendered":"
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Heeeeeey! What’s uuuuup? It\u2019s me! The flu your colleagues at work gave you. Are you gonna let me in or what? You\u2019re hoping I leave you alone? Impossible because everybody comes to work sick as a dog. Sneezing and coughing around you and I am inside of you. You booked a trip to the zoo this weekend? A show by Ildiko von K\u00fcrthy that you already have tickets for? The deposit is nonrefundable? Fuhgeddaboudit my friend! You are not going anywhere! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Listen, I just KO\u2019ed two dozen other co-workers like complimentary chips and dip at Senhor Vinho (this is a Portuguese Restaurant down the road in Vienna btw which you won’t go to for a while), and now I want my entr\u00e9e, capisce? Vis-\u00e0-vis for the next week or so, you are my house. And let me tell you something\u2014Michelangelo had marble. Da Vinci had paint. I have fever, a body rash as red as your local fire truck, vomiting, and diarrhea. And in three days, your GI tract will be my magnum opus.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even if I wanted to, which I don\u2019t, I\u2019m way too contagious to pass you by. I\u2019ve literally spent a millennia evolving my DNA to inflict maximum carnage on your system. The fact we\u2019re even having this conversation means I\u2019m already prancing through your upper respiratory system, painting the walls with flu.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What I\u2019m saying is the chain reaction has begun. There\u2019s no stopping the shitstorm descending upon your world. Think of me as Franz Ferdinand, the flu.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Not a\u00a0WWI\u00a0nerd?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Okay, or picture me as crappy music flu. Write me off as underground, then boom: I\u2019m headlining Rave Parade, encoring my crappy hit \u201cAll Who Live at Your Address Are Getting the Flu” on repeat 1.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I infect everyone. And everything. I\u2019ll straight-up give your belongings the flu. I\u2019m talking inanimate objects. Your chair. Your brown shoes. Your favorite T-shirt that always seems to fit just right. All about to come down with a raging case of flu. I out-pizza\u2019ed-the-hut (I have a thing for food and restaurants) and gave it the flu. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

To be clear, you\u2019re a rich kid, and I\u2019m the Bahamas bonfire spreading out of control throughout the entire island. This is the place your parents always take you on their private plane. And all your friends. Daddy can\u2019t stop this flu.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It would take an act of God, whom I infected with flu, by the way, to keep me away from you. The laws of physics would have to be rewritten. The theory of relativity would be null and void. The universe as we know it would have to be altered for you to get through this week without catching me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Get the picture?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Look, I\u2019ll be real with you: I get no joy from seeing your family watch you suffer in such explicit and demeaning ways.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m kidding. That exact scenario brings me joy. SOOOOOO much joy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Aw, don\u2019t look so down. You and I, we\u2019re gonna have fun. You\u2019ll see. When was the last time you suffered vivid and utterly terrifying fever dreams? Some people pay good money to hallucinate like that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Think of it this way. This one colleague at work gave me to you (you know the one who sneezed and blew his nose constantly? Yeah, this one. I think his name is Ralph). I show you the fragility of your mortality by keeping you nude on the bathroom floor, cycling between fits of indescribable humilities; you tell your God he has forsaken you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Because make no mistake, for the next few days, I am your God.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Heeeeeey! What’s uuuuup? It\u2019s me! The flu your colleagues at work gave you. Are you gonna let me in or what? You\u2019re hoping I leave you alone? Impossible because everybody comes to work sick as a dog. Sneezing and coughing around you and I am inside of you. You booked a trip to the zoo … <\/p>\n

Continue reading “.The Flu My Colleagues At Work Gave Me.”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_ml_titleColor":"#000000","_ml_titleFont":"Roboto","_ml_titleFontSize":1.136,"_ml_titleFontWeight":"400","_ml_titleLineHeight":1.3,"_ml_metaColor":"#708090","_ml_metaFont":"Montserrat","_ml_metaFontSize":0.6785,"_ml_metaFontWeight":"400","_ml_metaLineHeight":0.92,"_ml_bodyColor":"#a9a9a9","_ml_bodyFont":"Open Sans","_ml_bodyFontSize":0.85,"_ml_bodyFontWeight":"400","_ml_bodyLineHeight":1.2,"_ml_wooPriceColor":"#666","_ml_wooPriceFont":"Open Sans","_ml_wooPriceFontSize":0.9,"_ml_wooPriceFontWeight":"400","_ml_wooPriceLineHeight":1.27,"_ml_headingColor":"#000","_ml_headingFont":"Merriweather","_ml_headingFontSize":2.02,"_ml_headingFontWeight":"700","_ml_headingLineHeight":1.47,"_mlglobal_userfontcolors":{"headingColorUser":[],"titleColorUser":[],"metaColorUser":[],"bodyColorUser":[],"wooPriceColorUser":[]},"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6425","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-minimalism-lifestyle"],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t