{"id":6165,"date":"2023-06-30T04:51:04","date_gmt":"2023-06-30T04:51:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/?p=6165"},"modified":"2023-06-30T04:51:08","modified_gmt":"2023-06-30T04:51:08","slug":"diets","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/?p=6165","title":{"rendered":".Diets."},"content":{"rendered":"
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French Women Don\u2019t Get Fat<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Instructions:<\/strong>\u00a0Eat minuscule portions of your favourite foods with a vintage seafood fork. Serve poached pears at dinner parties. Start wearing scarves and smoking a pack of cigarettes a day; hiss at fat people.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Pros:<\/strong> A single tarte tatin from the farmers\u2019 market can last up to five days.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cons:<\/strong> Clarins anti-aging serum is no match for cigarettes. Also, you\u2019re starving.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

– – –<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Intermittent fasting<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Instructions:<\/strong> Incorporate large intervals of not eating into your day and\/or week (e.g., eat all meals within a window of six to eight hours).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cons:<\/strong>\u00a0Ruin brunch by skipping it in favour of a twenty-gram buttered coffee and telling everyone about your new podcast. Hangry mood swings.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Pros:<\/strong>\u00a0Unlike other diets, hangry mood swings happen at predictable times.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

– – –<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Keto diet<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Instructions:<\/strong>\u00a0Eat 70 percent fat by combining eggs, bacon, nut butters, and artificial sweeteners into uncanny valley analogs of real foods. Say, \u201cI\u2019m in ketosis,\u201d to excuse a host of unpleasant interpersonal behaviours.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Pros:<\/strong>\u00a0Finally put all those leftover mayonnaise packets to use; weekly grocery shopping can eventually be replaced by a single meat party platter and a bag of almonds.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cons:<\/strong> Excruciating bowel movements once every six days; scurvy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

– – –<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fruit diet<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Instructions:<\/strong>\u00a0Add half a grapefruit to every low-fat, low-calorie meal. Add whole grapefruits in between meals to maintain homeostasis. Otherwise eat more fruit. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Pros:<\/strong>\u00a0Generous bulk discount from Metro; no more scurvy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cons:<\/strong>\u00a0Ruin brunch by explaining how fruits interaction with bread has sent you to the Emergency Room multiple times; soft teeth; diarrhea. Only suitable for hot weather countries. You always feel cold. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

– – –<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mall\/Store diet<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Instructions:<\/strong> Practice portion control by eating only free samples. Get upward of 15,000 steps per day by walking laps through a cavernous warehouse.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Pros:<\/strong>\u00a0Discovery of Kellogg’s Signature Cashew Clusters Cereal<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cons:<\/strong>\u00a0High risk of derailing diet and over-drafting checking account from regularly purchasing Kellogg’s Signature Cashew Clusters; Wednesday samples are mostly Tide Pods and flavoured seltzers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

– – –<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Raw vegan diet<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Instructions:<\/strong> Consume only uncooked, plant-based foods (e.g., fruits, vegetables, nuts, and seeds soaked in water). Maintain unblinking eye contact with anyone eating bacon.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Pros:<\/strong> God-like sense of superiority.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cons:<\/strong>\u00a0Impossible to talk about \u201ceating nut cheese\u201d with a straight face; blood transfusion for iron deficiency not covered by insurance; ruin brunch with horror stories about concentrated animal feeding operations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

– – –<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Noom Diet<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Instructions:<\/strong> Pay seventy euros a month to count calories in an app and receive daily reminders that celery is less calorie dense than cake.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Pros:<\/strong> Fleeting sense of accomplishment from signing up and paying for a service.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cons:<\/strong>\u00a0Ruin brunch by assessing the calorie density of your friends\u2019 meals; targeted ads for Noom for the rest of your life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

—<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Paleo diet<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Instructions:<\/strong> Emulate our paleolithic ancestors by eating only foods that could be obtained by hunting and gathering.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Pros:<\/strong>\u00a0Local cave system maintains baseline temperature of 10 degrees Celsius year round (expedient housing option after going bankrupt from all that meat); new bow-hunting skills useful in the event of societal collapse.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cons:<\/strong>\u00a0Local cave system inhabited by Neanderthal enthusiasts; no electrical outlets for your podcasting equipment; ruin brunch by wearing a complete fur outfit and a bone through your nose.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

– – –<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Black market Diet Pills alternative
(compounded from\u00a0
illegal online pharmacy)<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Instructions:<\/strong> Once a week, inject your abdomen, upper arm, or thigh with the contents of an unlabeled syringe delivered by mail.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Pros:<\/strong> No targeted ads on the dark web.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cons:<\/strong>\u00a0Diet Pills take twenty years off your body and add them straight to your face;\u00a0DEA\u00a0watchlist; pancreatitis; you are no longer invited to brunch.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

– – –<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Not dieting<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Instructions:<\/strong> Eat what appeals to you when you are hungry. Stop when satisfied (or not).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Pros:<\/strong> Regained hours of time and attention.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cons:<\/strong> None<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

French Women Don\u2019t Get Fat Instructions:\u00a0Eat minuscule portions of your favourite foods with a vintage seafood fork. Serve poached pears at dinner parties. Start wearing scarves and smoking a pack of cigarettes a day; hiss at fat people. Pros: A single tarte tatin from the farmers\u2019 market can last up to five days. Cons: Clarins anti-aging serum … <\/p>\n

Continue reading “.Diets.”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_ml_titleColor":"#000000","_ml_titleFont":"Roboto","_ml_titleFontSize":1.136,"_ml_titleFontWeight":"400","_ml_titleLineHeight":1.3,"_ml_metaColor":"#708090","_ml_metaFont":"Montserrat","_ml_metaFontSize":0.6785,"_ml_metaFontWeight":"400","_ml_metaLineHeight":0.92,"_ml_bodyColor":"#a9a9a9","_ml_bodyFont":"Open Sans","_ml_bodyFontSize":0.85,"_ml_bodyFontWeight":"400","_ml_bodyLineHeight":1.2,"_ml_wooPriceColor":"#666","_ml_wooPriceFont":"Open Sans","_ml_wooPriceFontSize":0.9,"_ml_wooPriceFontWeight":"400","_ml_wooPriceLineHeight":1.27,"_ml_headingColor":"#000","_ml_headingFont":"Merriweather","_ml_headingFontSize":2.02,"_ml_headingFontWeight":"700","_ml_headingLineHeight":1.47,"_mlglobal_userfontcolors":{"headingColorUser":[],"titleColorUser":[],"metaColorUser":[],"bodyColorUser":[],"wooPriceColorUser":[]},"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6165","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-minimalism-lifestyle"],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t