{"id":5885,"date":"2022-11-11T05:51:29","date_gmt":"2022-11-11T05:51:29","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/?p=5885"},"modified":"2022-11-11T05:51:31","modified_gmt":"2022-11-11T05:51:31","slug":"instructions-on-how-to-successfully-bikini-wax-at-home","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/?p=5885","title":{"rendered":".Instructions on how to successfully Bikini-Wax at Home."},"content":{"rendered":"
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Step 1:<\/strong>\u00a0Open the box and locate the wax strips, instruction booklet, and post-wax soothing wipes with essential oils.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 2:<\/strong>\u00a0Open your pantry and locate your strongest bottle of hard liquor, shot glass, and a half-empty box of chocolate.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 3:<\/strong>\u00a0Take off everything below the waist and sit on the cold bathroom floor. Notice that you need to Swiffer around the toilet. Put your underwear back on and clean the entire bathroom.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 4:<\/strong>\u00a0Take your underwear off again and throw back a shot. Nibble on chocolate. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 5:<\/strong>\u00a0Rub wax strip between your hands vigorously to warm. No microwave required!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 6:<\/strong>\u00a0Decide that you should have some music playing to calm your nerves. Spend twenty minutes curating the perfect playlist.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 7:<\/strong>\u00a0Take another shot. Rub wax strip between your hands vigorously to warm them. No microwave required!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 8:<\/strong>\u00a0Skip every song after four seconds\u2014yeesh, what were you thinking? You can\u2019t wax to Rammstein<\/em>. Give up and tell Spotify to play \u201cChill Lounge.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 9:<\/strong>\u00a0Oh, damn, Edith Piaf is on this playlist? You forgot about her. Spend forty-five minutes scrolling Edith Piaf\u2019s Instagram while eating the remaining chocolate. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 10:<\/strong>\u00a0Rub wax strip between your hands vigorously to warm them. No microwave required.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 11:<\/strong>\u00a0Take another shot, look in the mirror, and slap your face\u2014hard. Flashback to fifth-grade when John said you had \u201cchinese eyes\u201d. Imagine him showing up on your vacation to Mexico and making snide remarks about your bikini line. Show that asshole you can handle this wax.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 12:<\/strong>\u00a0Berate yourself for unfairly calling John an asshole just because he pierced his nose with a safety pin in the bathroom in eighth-grade. You\u2019re both adults now. Perhaps he grew up to be a successful inspector of a company and regrets being a bully. Maybe. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 13:<\/strong>\u00a0Spend forty-five minutes scrolling John\u2019s Instagram, which is mostly \u201cget vaccinated memes\u201d and pictures of his survival equipment. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 14:<\/strong>\u00a0Take another shot. Rub wax strip between your hands vigorously to warm them. No microwave required!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 15:<\/strong>\u00a0Press strip firmly to skin along the bikini line, smoothing it down with the grain of your hair.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 16:<\/strong>\u00a0Feel despair and regret.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 17:<\/strong>\u00a0Think about how you\u2019re only doing this because this is going to hurt like hell.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 18:<\/strong>\u00a0Plod out to the refrigerator, pantless, with the wax strip still stuck to you, and drink half a bottle of Chardonnay directly from the bottle.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 19:<\/strong>\u00a0Fantasize about moving to France. Picture yourself sunning on a rooftop overlooking the Eiffel Tower, your glossy, culturally acceptable body hair being lightly tousled by a Parisian breeze.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 20:<\/strong>\u00a0Prepare to remove the wax strip. Remember to pull your skin taut, and pull the strip off in one quick motion against the grain of your hair.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 21:<\/strong>\u00a0Remind yourself that you come from a line of tough, strong women. If Great-Great-Great-Great Grandma Weiss could raise fourteen kids during some kind of war, you can survive a bikini wax, for fuck\u2019s sake.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 22:<\/strong>\u00a0Close your eyes. Pull off the strip while emitting a guttural howl like a Viking charging into a losing battle.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 23:<\/strong>\u00a0Feel your soul briefly leave your body.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 24:<\/strong>\u00a0Come back into your body and pray for death. Childbirth was a piece of cake compared to this bullshit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 25:<\/strong>\u00a0Open your eyes and look at the wax strip. Locate the three hairs stuck to it. The rest of your hair should still be firmly embedded in your bikini line.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 26:<\/strong>\u00a0Locate remaining wax strips and post-wax soothing wipes with essential oils and throw them against your bathroom wall.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 27:<\/strong>\u00a0Put on your softest pair of sweatpants and call a taxi to take you to the supermarket.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 28:<\/strong>\u00a0At supermarket, buy one of those swimsuit bottoms with a skirt to cover your bikini line. Say hello to your mom\u2019s friend Gina, who is buying the same one for her water aerobics class.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 29:<\/strong>\u00a0Stuff your new bikini bottom in your bag. Locate the display where you purchased this wax kit for twenty euro. Give the approachable-seeming model on the box the finger. Throw all the boxes to the ground. Jump up and down on them, yelling, \u201cGod damn you! God damn you to hell!\u201d until an employee drags you out the door. Awkwardly wave goodbye to Gina.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 30:<\/strong>\u00a0At home, swallow your pride and crawl back to the post-wax soothing wipes with essential oils. Drape the wipe on your red, splotchy, and bleeding bikini line. Put on\u00a0Rammstein<\/em>\u00a0and gulp down the rest of the bottle of Chardonnay. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Step 1:\u00a0Open the box and locate the wax strips, instruction booklet, and post-wax soothing wipes with essential oils. Step 2:\u00a0Open your pantry and locate your strongest bottle of hard liquor, shot glass, and a half-empty box of chocolate. Step 3:\u00a0Take off everything below the waist and sit on the cold bathroom floor. Notice that you … <\/p>\n

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