{"id":5669,"date":"2022-04-06T04:53:43","date_gmt":"2022-04-06T04:53:43","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/?p=5669"},"modified":"2022-04-06T04:53:46","modified_gmt":"2022-04-06T04:53:46","slug":"life-hacks","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/?p=5669","title":{"rendered":".Life Hacks."},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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Spring is here which is the season for drinking cocktails and devouring salads while wearing light summer dresses. So what do you do if you don\u2019t drink anymore? We all know that only small children, recovering drunks, and people in ankle-length vintage skirts choose not to drink, right? To avoid the questions and concerned faces of your coworkers, friends, and family (who are whispering that maybe I am actually pregnant at forty-one), here are some suggested ways to turn down that glass of booze: <\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. \u201cI\u2019m taking antibiotics\u201d
Scratch your inner thigh to avoid further questions<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. \u201cI\u2019m training for an Ironman and I\u2019m bulking tonight\u201d 
Carry a tub of protein powder around the party for an extra distraction<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

3. \u201cI pre-partied and I\u2019m already loaded\u201d
Knock over a lamp for emphasis<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

4. “I\u2019m recovering from surgery\u201d
Choose an organ that no one understands and you can probably live without, like the spleen or part of your liver<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

5. \u201cI\u2019m violently allergic to alcohol\u201d
Wince as you say this as if remembering the last time you drank<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

6. \u201cI\u2019m chewing a piece of gum and I don\u2019t want to stop\u201d
If you don\u2019t actually have gum in your mouth just chew on your tongue<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

7. \u201cI\u2019m doing a detox before my next ayahuasca retreat\u201d
Add, \u201cI\u2019d love to tell you about my spiritual journey in great detail\u2026\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

8. \u201cI have to check in with my parole officer in a few hours\u201d
In your best Morgan Freeman voice, say, \u201cSome birds aren\u2019t meant to be caged\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

9. \u201cI just shit my pants\u201d
Shit your pants<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

10. \u201cFIRE!\u201d
Run<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

More (Existentialist) Life Hacks<\/strong> I Think About<\/strong> <\/p>\n\n\n\n

11. To believe in the power of habit. Wake up early. Eat well. Meditate. Destroy your idols. Stare into the void and face the anguish of choosing who to become.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

12. To do twenty-five minutes of staring at a blank screen or into space, thinking that life is empty, followed by five minutes of strolling around my neighbourhood, thinking that life is empty.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

13. Cook in batches. This way, you get vegan enchiladas all week and the benefit of asking, \u201cDo I like vegan enchiladas, or am I a poser who cooks in bad faith, to impress a woman, thereby disavowing the freedom to eat a steak?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

14. To spend hours petting my cat named Schopenmiauer. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

15. To tell people about my goals. This is huge. It holds me publicly accountable and keeps me perpetually terrified that you are alienated. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

16. Six words: Tony Robbins, Bren\u00e9 Brown, Eckhart Tolle. Six more: Don\u2019t want \u2019em, don\u2019t need \u2019em. My true life coach is any baby who is crying hysterically, ever reminding me that life is a disorienting hellhole that defies explanation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

17. Whenever I will feel lost, I spin in circles until I vomit. Doesn\u2019t really help, but it\u2019s kind of fun.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

18. Whenever I will hear someone start a sentence with \u201cWhy\u2014,\u201d I don\u2019t wait for them to finish, I just scream, \u201cYeah, why!\u201d while punching them in the face.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

19. My books are my friends: Camus, Sartre, and Nietzsche. My real friends are all sick of me quoting Camus, Sartre, and Nietzsche, so we don\u2019t talk anymore.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

20. Instead of speeding through life like a maniac, I will pause to appreciate nature. I like walking in the park, sitting under a pretty tree, and staring at the bark for hours until it looks like an incomprehensible alien substance. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

21. Once a month, I will run through a giant corn maze to remind myself that I\u2019m free to take whatever path I choose but that it all leads to a bunch of fucking pointless corn.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

22. Once a year, I will dress in a giant Elmo costume and get arrested for public urination, because I am embracing the life of the absurd.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

23. I will take \u201cme time\u201d just to think. I think about how warm weather is nice, or a funny joke I heard, or how I want to become God. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

24. Shorter showers! Sounds silly, right? Not at all. That\u2019s six extra minutes per day to wear my Elmo costume, and scream my despair at an empty sky.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

25. My bedtime ritual will be all about mindful relaxation: Dim the lights. Play some Enya. A little light reading of Kierkegaard\u2019s\u00a0Fear and Trembling.\u00a0<\/em>Resign myself to the hard truth that I\u2019ll never have faith in anything. Before I drift into a dreamless sleep, I smile a little as I realize I get to wake up tomorrow and do it all over again and again and again and again and again and again.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Spring is here which is the season for drinking cocktails and devouring salads while wearing light summer dresses. So what do you do if you don\u2019t drink anymore? We all know that only small children, recovering drunks, and people in ankle-length vintage skirts choose not…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_ml_titleColor":"#000000","_ml_titleFont":"Roboto","_ml_titleFontSize":1.136,"_ml_titleFontWeight":"400","_ml_titleLineHeight":1.3,"_ml_metaColor":"#708090","_ml_metaFont":"Montserrat","_ml_metaFontSize":0.6785,"_ml_metaFontWeight":"400","_ml_metaLineHeight":0.92,"_ml_bodyColor":"#a9a9a9","_ml_bodyFont":"Open Sans","_ml_bodyFontSize":0.85,"_ml_bodyFontWeight":"400","_ml_bodyLineHeight":1.2,"_ml_wooPriceColor":"#666","_ml_wooPriceFont":"Open Sans","_ml_wooPriceFontSize":0.9,"_ml_wooPriceFontWeight":"400","_ml_wooPriceLineHeight":1.27,"_ml_headingColor":"#000","_ml_headingFont":"Merriweather","_ml_headingFontSize":2.02,"_ml_headingFontWeight":"700","_ml_headingLineHeight":1.47,"_mlglobal_userfontcolors":{"headingColorUser":[],"titleColorUser":[],"metaColorUser":[],"bodyColorUser":[],"wooPriceColorUser":[]},"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5669","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-minimalism-lifestyle"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5669","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=5669"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5669\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=5669"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=5669"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sometimesraw.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=5669"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}