On Control

“I can control my destiny, but not my fate. Destiny means there are opportunities to turn right or left, but fate is a one-way street. I believe we all have the choice as to whether we fulfil our destiny, but our fate is sealed.” – Paulo Coelho

I am working on going through life as actively as I can but I have realized sometimes that I am not doing a good job when I am reacting like crazy (hello Jean!) to every challenge, obstacle and problem as they arrive and when things are not as smooth for me. However, when the ride is smooth I am pretty settled in. I have been analyzing all this a lot recently and came to the conclusion that I do not want to sleepwalk through life. I believe everyone had this feeling of time flashing by and another year just passed. Or ten, twenty. The danger here is that it is very easy to just wake up at some point in life and realize: “What the hell happened? Time flies by and I did nothing truly exciting all these years – nothing that fills my soul and mind with happiness!”

What I try to say is that I do not want to spend my life doing things I do not want to do day in and day out. “Spending my life doing things I do not want to do” can mean for example spending a life with the wrong partner. Someone who does not make me laugh, happy and fills my soul. All this considering that I love myself 100% first. I have to give myself  value.  I lose confidence. It does not matter what anybody thinks of me.  I have to be brave to love myself. This is life. Things happen to me.  It is not easy sometimes. I have to take 100% responsibility of how I feel. Other examples would be that I do not spend my life active, discovering new things, traveling, be open-minded for new things, or working at a job that I do not love or even hate for years and years. So basically all this would make me less happy and less healthy than I should or could be.

I am fortunate to have some wise people in my life that help me out occasionally if I am stuck for words or wisdom. Today for example I heard that “I have to take control of my own life to be happy because – guess what- no one else is doing if for you.” (Bonsoir mon amour)

What helped me so far on my journey is  to get rid of as much junk as possible. I want to buy only the stuff I really need. Asking myself in the store if I really NEED this item I have in my hand right now for example! I am taking control because every single thing I own has somehow and impact on my life. I just want to simplify as much as possible.  Important is also controlling the people in my life. There is just no need for people who have a negative impact or bring me down on a daily basis. Simple as that. However, the most important thing for me is health.

Without being healthy and being at my personal best there is not much going on I think. Health is the most important thing I have. The health suffers – nothing else matters. I look at all the movie starts, rich rich people who seem to have it all. The perfect house, the perfect furniture, the perfect family or job. They have millions of dollars but how come many of them suffer from depression or worse diseases and death? The same with people in my surroundings; take the mask of and the hero fades away. 🙂 Yes, Gainsbourg! Actions speak louder than words! Many promise so much and then do nothing in the end.

I believe the way I act and think is somewhat programmed. My last post on society clarifies this a bit more. But family, friends and even the wider influence told me what to do, how to be happy, sad all these things. But I have been thinking for a while now that some of  this input might just be false. Of course I try to listen to my mom and dad still but they are living THEIR life. I life mine which is unique. I make my own decisions and I will just delete some of the programmed stuff from way back when. I believe it is important to also watch what I  believe, read or watch because whatever garbage I put in my head sometimes affects the way I live.

I am getting better at meditation. It just does not happen over night obviously but it does happen. It allows me to control my own thoughts a bit better. It all depends on how I think. The brain is very powerful and thoughts (many many thoughts) come and go constantly. But I know now that if I let some of them happen to me then I am doing the same thing over and over again. (expecting a different result = insanity ahaha). Well it does not work like this. I have to change my old patterns of think with new ones. One thing I had a huge problem with was too much thinking about people who are sad. Why they are sad, lonely and depressed, trying to find solutions for them etc. But guess what? They are living their own life as well. Of course I can talk to them but it is not my “duty” to find solutions. I can help but not lose myself on the way and make myself miserable and sad. Giving makes me happy. Gifts, my time, passion, resources you name it. But I know now when to stop. I live my own life and get the best out of it. I do only have this one shot! I smile for no reason and look within for the answers. This is how magnificent our existence is. It is more about the journey than the destination.

On society and opinions

“He who is unable to live in society, or who has no need because he is sufficient for himself, must be either a beast or a god. ” – Aristotle

Today I want to write about influence – influence exerted on us by others. Many times I say to myself that I am not influenced or pushed around by others. That I make my own choices. But on the other hand: Is this true?

Society. There is an endless pool of people to do the dirty work for society and a pretty efficient propaganda machine that keeps everyone nicely in line.

I see it this way that society is pushing us around as if we do not even have a free will and I believe that most people don’t even know that this is happening. Everybody expects us to follow the “rules”. If we do – everything is fine. So everyone is happy but are we happy? Are we truly happy? There is just no way around the fact that we live in this world and we are affected by it. I believe that society’s expectations are irrelevant to my happiness but this pressure society puts on us can be impossible to resist. I have a great example. My son will not be baptized. I believe it is not necessary for him – he knows his name, I know his name, the name is written in his passport and that is that. (for further clarification I have written a post On believing) 🙂 So, I am doing and trying something different; something that is “out of the norm”. Yet, the response I am getting from most people is intense and scary. It makes them uncomfortable. “How can you not get him baptized?” “What will happen later on when he wants to get married in a church?” or the best one: “Everybody else has their kids baptized!” I believe these are just typical reactions from people who cannot or do not want to think outside the box. Being different is not a bad thing. 🙂

Society has always told us who to be and especially how to be. “It always has been is this way” and unfortunately nothing has changed ever since. People just do not like it if you play and think outside the norm. This list goes on and on. You have to live in the right neighborhood, have the kids in the right school, have security and enough money on your saving account, save enough money to eventually do the trip once you retired, support the right team, vote for the right politicians, have your kid in a good kindergarten and you have to do all this for as long as you can before you end up in the nursing home. You are accepted if you play along and do what everybody else is doing. Everybody understands you and you understand them. As soon as you do something out of the norm you have got a problem. But what is the “norm”? What is normal?

Are people addicted to status? Many people constantly measure themselves against everybody else and how everybody else is doing. The problem is that the system we live in tells us how we can be happy. All we have to do is buy X, Y and Z and if we only buy enough of this stuff then it will be great. And the only intent here is to sell us more stuff. The media plays a huge role here. They tell us who is important and who is not. They tell us who our role models are and what the latest fashion is. Also which face cream to use against wrinkles. We are literally bombarded with advertisements. Looking into the mailbox every day and seeing all the advertisement that tells us what to buy and to do to be happy is proof enough.

If you use an old phone and not a “smart” phone people look at you weird. If you do not use whatsapp – holy shit! How could you not!!!!??? You wear vintage clothing, or do not care about the latest fashion (Hello, Germany’s next Top Model crap) people look at you weird. People, society! Even if you eat differently; if you try new things, vegan, raw, whatever – people judge you based on what? Some criteria that they have adopted from someone who has adopted it and they all believe their opinion is right.

So I have been talking about this a lot recently with my husband and came to the conclusion that this constant pressure people create for themselves makes them stop from doing what they really want to do. Holding back because of this constant worrying what people might think. We are the perfect example. The way we live, people just cannot understand how it all works. But it is fine. We are fine. 😀 Always keep  in mind you only live once. You only have one shot on life. So why being scared of change? This being said: Nobody needs to worry about me or my family. Ha!

Many are afraid to change their life so they criticize others. And they keep buying new cars, more toys, more stuff, to just be happy. But are they? Of course there are people in this society who are happy with their life, exactly the way it is. Good for them. I am just talking about the ones who are miserable, keep on doing the same thing over and over every single day (expecting  different result)  but the things that could change their life for the better they are too afraid to do.

I believe that when people judge me and my lifestyle – they just have their own issues and problems. Everybody does.  I usually know their weaknesses because I know mine.  We are all only humans. It is not always easy when people put pressure on me this way. But I do keep in mind that they are just scared of not fitting in the system or maybe not fitting in as I am. Anything that is out of the norm makes people uncomfortable because I guess I am highlighting something that they are afraid of or do not want to think about.

I am working on this pleasing others/opinions stuff’/and living a different life for a while now. I know now that opinions do not matter when they are holding me back from what I really want to do, especially if they are pulling me down. I just do not let society tell me what to do and what is “normal”.

There is this awesome quote I remember: “Those who mind don’t matter, and those you matter don’t mind. “

On feelings

“Feelings are much like waves, we cannot stop them form coming but we can choose which one to surf.” 

These days I am all all about thinking and figuring things out. On how so many tiny moments roll into overarching feelings that define stages and seasons of our lives. Every morning when I wake up and I am getting ready for the day I think it is weird sometimes how I will not remember this particular morning but I will remember this feeling of morning. And I think of my childhood for example in the same way. I had an awesome childhood I must say. I cannot remember everyday but I just have an intense feeling of happiness thinking of it. I just skyped with my brother for 3 hours and 15 minutes. (Whaaaat?!) We have been talking about so many things – also how we felt as kids when we grew up. These feelings of safety and fun, also fighting, being scared… but we realized that it was all good. This safety net is so important to me. To have my “home base”, my family, my siblings. I want my son to have the same feeling and security.

My son might not remember me sitting with him every night before he goes to bed reading books but I believe he will remember this feeling. This feeling of security and love because it all rolls together, every single day. Same with our every day stuff we do. Walks to the post office, our little picnics – just him and myself, this way my son and I kind of feel each other when we lay on the couch together. I believe it is important to have this bond with him.  To give this feeling that I am there for him no matter what. “It is not what I do every once in a while that is my life. It is what I do everyday. ” (I think there was a saying like that as well hahahaha)

This also applies for the bad days. Yes, there are bad days. Of course there are! These are the special days. When I feel nothing goes right from the first step out of bed. Bad night, I lose my temper or feel uninspired, frustrated or use “Maisy Mouse” on YOUTUBE  to fill our time. This is normal. I have bad days sometimes and so does my son. To realize this is important for me. To realize that every day is different and there is no routine.

I am building a foundation with my son here and now. I love having all this time with him. This feeling we have most days, excitement, learning and magic – all of this is there. I try to teach him on a daily basis how important positivity, acceptance and the freedom to be whoever he wants to be is. I do not think this is too early. He has this phase now where he throws things when he cannot figure our how to put them together. A crazy learning experience for this little guy but I try to guide him through. Screaming and throwing things just because he cannot put them together does not work. Not for him – not for us either.

And I cannot change the fact that all this goes on and on and on until one day I wake up and my son is no longer a baby but grown. And I believe he will take all I taught him with him, all packed up nicely in his mind and brain with little labels on these packages. I believe that if I am doing my best and if I am a lucky that the feeling I have now with flourish into the defining themes of his childhood which are acceptance, fun (a lot of it), trust and of course tons of love.

I just keep on what I am doing and I hope my son will always feel this great unconditional love my husband and I have for him and for each other.  And if there are these days my son might feel anything but love, I hope that all those feelings I try to put in him will rise up like a safety net, catching him wherever he may be and remind him of where he comes from and that no matter what, our love always has been there and will never stop.

On being a tattooed mom

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It is summer. I wear a skirt, dress or short pants and my son looks at my leg or my arm or or or…. And what does he see? When I was 13 years old and you would have shown me a picture of myself I would not have believed that this woman could be me.

My parents were and are pretty open-minded but at the same time conservative and never even thought about tattoos. I do not think my parents have any friends who are tattooed as a matter of fact. There were no tattoos throughout my  high school years – on myself or friends. As a matter of fact I have not seen a person heavily tattooed before I was 18 years old. Weird, but this is true. Then out of a sudden I saw tattoos everywhere and all I thought was how people could do this to their bodies and all these diseases from unsanitary conditions they might catch.

My past profession initially prohibited tattoos completely but then allowed to be tattooed at invisible places. I changed. People change. I like body art. I love tattoos. So as soon as my former employer said it is okay to get tattoos (and even visible tattoos) I was hooked. I would call myself heavily tattooed at this point. I have not gotten anything else lately and I have not planned anything for the future but who knows what might happens.

I would just link being tattooed (or heavily tattoos)  to wearing a dress that you just cannot take off. I have to also mention that I did a lot of research on the “dress” before. I knew what I exactly wanted, then loved the “dress”, bought the dress and now I wear it for the rest of my life. 😀 My tattoos are visible but I can hide them if I want to easily. However, people on the street do comment on them – of course not openly. Maybe they hate it, maybe they do not but just because something is different, more colorful and out of the norm they have this urge to discuss it; in a positive or negative way. Well whatever makes them happy. The thing is that I cannot take my “dress” off – ever! I just have to keep this in mind when I get visibly tattooed or any tattoo. It will usually be a conversation piece and will always be a part of me wherever I go. This is what people see before they see me! I have never regretted any tattoo on my body so far. This is me.

So now I am a Mom with tattoos.  People act even more weird and ask more questions. What will you do if your son wants tattoos because he sees yours? How often do other Moms judge you? Do you think your son will be embarrassed of your tattoos later on?” Well my son is surrounded by us being tattooed. Yes, my husband loves his tattoos as well. 🙂 When my son grows up he might think we are lame for being tattoos or super cool. But who really cares. It is all good, either way. I on the other hand could not have imagined my mom or dad being tattooed. This just was not the time really. Having a tattooed mom and dad is all my son will know and he is surrounded by some of my tattooed friends as well occasionally. So seeing pictures and beautiful colors on people’s skin is totally normal for him at his young age.  I love how he looks at my un-tattooed leg and my tattooed leg and puts his little finger on the tattoo figuring out the outlines.

Sometimes I do wonder how it all will affect our son. If at all I hope our tattoos teach him a valuable lesson – to just accept anybody no matter how they look and never base the opinion on someone’s look alone. I think this is a very important lesson for him to learn and considering how quickly other people are to judge others solely on appearances and stereotypes.  In my previous jobs I used to cover my tattoos up (in uniform or a suit usually) and most of my colleagues did not know that I am tattooed unless they saw me somewhere outside of work. I am still the same person they had always known; just because I am a bit different. 🙂 And being different is awesome. This is what I hope for my son. I just hope that he grows up and realizes that not everyone fits into one box. I want to teach my little guy that thinking outside of the norm, acceptance and tolerance, uniqueness and respect for diversity are all good things. Also kindness and compassion. If you look around tattoos become more common. When I walk around in this little town Coburg I call home for now I see so many people walking around with tattoos. I also realize that there will always be someone who makes an assumption or judge based on appearance which is sad but okay. All I do is teach my son to have a kind heart and open mind. This is what I tell people when they ask how it is like to be a heavily tattooed Mom. Simple as that.

On letting go

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard” – Winnie the Pooh. 

I do love Winnie the Pooh. I just finished reading “The Tao of Pooh” – by Benjamin Hoff. Great book.

The last couple of months I just came to the conclusion that I do not want to have bad feelings or harbor any anger against anyone anymore. Why should I really? I am at a place where I understand how important it is to just let go. I am on the verge of leaving again. Leaving what had become so familiar to me, so precious, so great. I knew it cannot go on forever the way it has been but time just flies too fast. There is really no time for all this “BS”. Letting go has become easier and easier for me over the last couple of months. It took quite some practice however. I had to realize that I cannot change anyone’s behavior but my own – everyone lives their own life and reality.

Many times I thought why someone said or did something and I became angry and frustrated that this particular person reacted the way they did. However, I keep in mind that I cannot change someone else’s behavior and I should try not judge it – like “my way is the highway”. How can I judge other people who think they are doing the right thing? I should remember always that the world does not revolve around me and my way of doing things – each and everyone had their own life and reality they live in full with their own reasons and truths why they choose those actions. I believe that this is important in day-to-day encounters. With this kept in mind I am able to realize that I cannot change someone else and I do not have to.

I believe it is important to put my energy into the right place at all times. I have caught myself many times recently talking about the same things over and over, thinking about the same things over and over and discussing with friends – feeling like talking in circles about the same things. What a waste of energy because usually there is no outcome. I just try to remind myself that this is what it is. That I have done everything possible and that going over it without new information does not provide clarity. All I am creating is more negative energy. I am simply not allowing myself to devote more time to this and that chatter and move on and free my mind of it. Meditation has helped me a lot these days as well. Just sitting down quietly without interruption for 30-45 minutes and just closing my eyes and paying attention to my breathing has helped me a lot. Whatever tool works for you – use it!

One more thing I would like to add is forgiveness. This is usually easier said than done. I had this problem for a long time that even though I had an awesome day, I thought about something, or even saw a picture of someone or got reminded of a situation or person and I started getting headaches or felt angry/aggressive/annoyed. All this negative thinking was physically affecting me. Crazy! So I just decided that this is all not important. Who the hell cares!? Why would I even bother? This does not make me feel good and it keeps me down and wondering and worrying and thinking why this person looks like that/does this and that/posts this and that. This all just kept holding me back by keeping me in my past. By simply just not caring it usually brings me an immediate release. Who the hell cares how A, B, and C’s looks? I am able to be in the present  and move on.

I am learning every single day to be better at all this and life is a learning process right? I am an emotional person with quite some worrying and thinking too much about feelings, but usually I am very passionate about how I feel and everything else really and I believe many women can relate to this.

 

On slowing down

Talk is cheap and it is usually very easy to say that I am happy with where I am in life right now or even that I am 100% happy with myself. This is why I am working with and on myself to find this inner peace. Usually I see something else up ahead and I want to be there instantly by rushing there forgetting to breathe and slow down. Rushing usually gets me nowhere.

Since becoming a mother one of the things –  biggest things I am practicing is slowing down. Learning through and with my son is one of the biggest gifts in my life. In my previous stressful New York life – rushing from one appointment to the next but always rushing- I forgot to “stop and smell the roses”. It is  amazing that I am fortunate to see all these little changes my son goes through now. That I am HERE NOW with him to experience all this. I think it is really hard for me to see time slipping by every day with all these changes he goes through – it is just all so fast. Time means nothing. Like the time I am here in Germany now- meeting all my good friends again, especially spending so much time with Susi, Alex, Jonas and Julius (Jesus) is just so precious. And how quickly will this time be over and things will change. I just have the feeling that I need to have this very clear view and a strong pull to stay in the now, and just be in the present. To simply enjoy every moment!

However, at the same time it is so very hard to do exactly that. So with some help I am doing and practicing exactly just that – practicing just being here. Just simply “be” sounds so easy but it is not – it is hard to just be because it needs a lot of focus. Focus is important. When I play with my son I play with my son. No phone, no distractions please. What I really try is to clear my head and play, just stop thinking what I have to do later or what I just read or need to do later on. It is so important for myself and also for my son. He knows and feels when I am not 100% with him. He knows when something is on my mind that bothers me. And when I am not content he is not content. Simple as that.

My son loves tractors these days. With a passion. All I see is tractors all day long in form of books, toys etc. but I do play with him and listen to him when he tries to tell me something with his little voice without me being somewhere else.

I believe my son deserves presence. This is a gift I want to give him and I try to be mindful of this at all times. Who knows how much longer I am able to be there for him this way. I even try to do the same when I am writing. My son is asleep a long time ago but I am still closing the door quietly to not wake him up and  I keep the lights low and just focus on just the words in am typing here and now in this white box on this blog.

I try to get something out of every experience I have. When I am cooking for example I really want to cook 100%. I want to smell the garlic and onion simmering on the stove and I want to taste the lemon and all the fresh herbs I squeeze over the dish.

I had been reminded (through my Reiki master) of a great lesson today. None of us know how much time we have left and what is next. All I can think about is how short this life is. I mean the average human lives around 28,500 days, or about seventy-eight years (“The Big Five for Live” by John Strelecky). Well, hopefully it is more, but statistically speaking it is about just that. And I also realize there are no guarantees it might be even shorter. There is this weird spectrum how I call it. The happy lucky side (you can do it all – so do it all because you only live once) and at the same time a very sad side (you only live one – you just cannot do it all).

Right now I am just in this middle thing and paddling around trying to figure out what I can do, what I am capable of, how much I can achieve – with this knowledge in the back of my mind that I do not even know how much time I have left in my hourglass which is constantly emptying.

So, I just want to be here. Here. Now. In this moment. And enjoy everything around me. We do not know when it is all over. Maybe there is a Safari next? 😀

On friendship

“If there ever comes a day when we can’t be together keep me in your heart, I’ll stay there forever” – Winnie the Pooh

I was wondering the other day how to navigate friendships as people grow and move forward and lives change while we are getting older and grow mentally and spiritually. I have been thinking about friendships a lot recently. Especially because I am figuring out myself more these days and this is fascinating.

I was always surrounded by a lot of people when I grew up. I had a lot of “friends” (let’s put this in quotes just because). My friends were the ones I gossiped with, vented to, hung out with and cried with. This was one part. However, what I also did was please everybody. Make everybody happy – listen to everybody’s problems and try to find solutions. As I have gotten older I have distinguished between certain kinds of friends and friendships I have formed. I learned that I have to be careful who I talk to and about what; and who my real friends are.

I also figured out over the years that no relationship will ever fit into a box. Sometimes I had these ideas on how something should be or on how someone should think – it does not mean that it will be this way or it should be that way. My friendships changed since I moved to the U.S.  and even more since I had my son. Some friends left me, some stayed, and new ones joined me on my journey.

Friendships change and this is normal, however, this was hard for me to understand at first. Sometimes I felt sad when I disconnected from certain people and sometimes I even felt guilty to not be their friend and not be in their lives anymore . Interests change, people change and sometimes it is just important for my own sanity to move on. It is important to understand and accept that things are not always the same – most importantly when I change. What I observed is the more I change and the more I learn about myself the more my environment changes. The more friends I thought I had turn away from me which is okay too. I love to see this change within me. This is just a beautiful playground we have been given I think.

I just looked at my calendar and realized that I will turn 34 soon. Wow. And at almost 34 I must say I have a very small handful of people who I consider close friends. But this is totally fine. Quality over quantity! 😀 With these close friends there is never weirdness, everything is clear, we are there for each other no matter what. I realize and accept that we are all busy at points so there is no resentment or guilt and I am happy to spend time together whenever we can and there is always love when we connect. I believe that this is the secret to friendships for me. Another perfect example is my friendship with my husband. We do not see each other daily (for now) BUT when we do get to spend time together then this time is wonderful and precious and very full of US. Less time but the best time ever. Because of this I think I can deal okay with being apart from him for so long.

I make sure that whenever I am with my friends I am 100% there (not on the phone) and making sure that time is of best quality whenever we do connect.

So many questions. Can’t wait to read about your experience.

On father and son

“Don’t marry a man unless you would be proud to have a son exactly like him”. 

Who said that? No clue. Just read it once and remembered it and thought it would be a great start to this post because it is true.

My husband left today. Back to Mali. This week had gone by so fast. The picture was taken just a couple of minutes before his departure and we were all sad. As usual! It is never easy to let my husband go – especially  knowing where he is going.

My husband was here now for a bit over one week and I see Jean and Joel together, laughter and smiles, this joy and love they bring to each others’ lives and it just stops me dead in my tracks at points. Jean is a great man and husband. I have written more on him than anything else on this blog. I myself learn from him every day. He is compassionate, loving, kind and truly sees the joy in every little thing which I do not because I am not paying as much attention as he does. And I think because of all that and more he is a great father.

I was always afraid of becoming a mother. From never wanting to have kids to meeting my husband and thinking for the first time that the whole “kid-thing” could work for me to finally being pregnant was crazy by itself. Then, seeing the man I love as a parent has been one of the most beautiful things about becoming a mother and I just live for all these little moments I can spend with both of them when we are finally all together.

When I was growing up I dated a lot – all sorts of guys. I do not want to get into to much detail here but I can say that there were nice guys, fun guys, weird guys, strange guys and many jerks as well. Just with the result that I had sworn off serious relationships. There was always something that bothered me so much, relationships with no foundation. Then I met my husband through weird circumstances (almost impossible) and I could almost immediately see him in my future – and this seemed scary at the moment. This feeling you have deep inside that tells you: “This is the right thing!”

Times goes by so quickly – I always try to remember this. We fell in love, moved in together, got engaged, got married – everything seems so long ago already. Then we got pregnant. I think back to this day often when I came home and told my husband the pregnancy test is positive.

Now my son is 1 1/2 years old and every time I see Jean and Joel playing and spending time together I am reminded how awesome this all is. I see my little guy trying to emulating my husband – when he tries on his shoes and walks around, the “papa”, “daddy” (bilingual kid yeah and he talks so much and clear these days); the way he lights up every time when Jean got him ready in the morning, or played with him. And sometimes I even see this little tear in Jean’s eye when Joel does something really sweet to impress him.

Joel is so young still but I can already see how warm, kind and affectionate his heart is, and how funny and silly he can be at the same time. What a great spirit. They are both amazing – and more so when they are together. I am raising my son who is going to be like the man I married and love and I could not be any happier.

Be safe in Mali my love. Je t’aime toujours.

On what matters to me

I had to move on from some people that did not add love, light or value to my life. This is a hard statement to start a blog with but it is true. It is all part of the process. I wish these people well and move on. I want people in my life that are there for me when I do not succeed but also people who cheer loudly when I do. People who really mean it. These people should be way beyond the Instagram and Facebook “friends”. These should be friends who know the dark deep depths of me, the ones who I do not have to second guess myself around, these people who know all the shitty parts of myself and do not judge me, think I am weird and love me all the same. And people who do not take their phones out and start typing along with others. I mean, seriously? (I am not saying that quickly writing “what is up” is forbidden….even though WHO cares once you are WITH your friend at a bar, right?)

It is difficult to find those people or that one person but if you find them keep them close and cultivate those relationships. Of course one can have all the other friends as well – party friends, work-friends, weekend-friends whatever. I have just learned throughout my years on this planet that not everyone will be on your team. 🙂 And it just does not work to fit every single person in my life into my scared, special place. It is important to save your energy to the people closest to me.

What matters to me is that I wake up in the morning and I have the feeling that I am doing a good job at just being a good human being – good mother, whatever you want to name it. Just to be the best sister or friend but whatever I am doing I want to do it with love and kindness. What someone thinks about you, random stuff that I worry about and that does not go away does not really matter. If you want love – BE love!

And it is of course okay to change. I developed a passion on being outdoors, writing, nature, healthy eating more throughout the last year. My interests shifted and this is ok. I learned so many things about myself and I think – besides raising my son in this environment – this was my favorite part of the entire past years. The adventures I went on with my husband and son, discovering new places, traveling and experiencing new things – it is just scare and awesome at point and reminds us that we are alive and that there is a possibility of so much more. So many places to discover, to much more to see, taste, experience.

I gained a much deeper self-acceptance and self-love throughout this past year. I love to be myself – it is okay to be me, sometimes silly, happy, sad, emotional, adventurous. And just to be okay about others being THEM. Who cares what everyone else is doing. They live their own life. I started to focus on my life and not putting to much focus on others. It just feels so good to go through life like this. WHO the hell cares what A, B, C is doing. Just FOCUS on YOUR OWN SHIT. 😀

I.AM. ENOUGH! Jean, Joel, they are what also matters, and I am forever grateful that they are mine. The possibilities of the future are endless and I am looking forward to it.

On happiness and loving yourself

My husband is back. Back from Mali and I am happy. The end. 🙂 No, kidding.

When I was younger I had an idea of what my marriage was supposed to look like. I had this idea forming for a while, then went back with the idea that marriage is not for me at all. Never will be – and all I want in life is career, school, education, diplomas and traveling the world. People tell you how a relationship is supposed to look. How it would and should go from other people’s relationships and this I must say influenced me in a way as well.

Life goes by so quickly. There is no time to waste really. I am almost married for three years now.  Insane how fast this time went by. I must say that marriage is nothing like I pictured way back when. With my husband I have to say that my marriage is my safe place in a world that is constantly spinning and spinning. To be with my husband feels like a deep breath that grounds me and makes me feel happy – also a little calm in the width of everything.

For me it took a while to lean into this relationship – to just give everything of myself. Some problems I had to sort and work out, deal with and finally accept. Some things that took hold in the back corners of my heart that my husband probably did not even notice but I knew where there. What it really comes down to is that you love yourself first 100% and that it takes bravery to allow yourself to be loved. It takes a long time to show your partner every single layer, even those  deep deep down that you do not want to show anyone but eventually will reveal  – just to allow someone to peer and see what is there. It seems still crazy to me that two people (separate, different people) chose to spend a lifetime together who know each other somewhat (at what point do you really know the other person?) To just think that we live our lives, we exit in our own beautiful own little orbit then we meet someone to try to create our own little universe right there. Right now while I am typing this my husband and I sit outside in the backyard, fireplace going, listening to music and I felt like writing. We still do what we want to do and we are still who we are – I do not need him to feel whole or to exist. We choose to be together and we create this life together just because we want to. And we keep choosing this every single day.

Je t’aime mon amour. <3