.Ask Sometimes Raw.

I receive quite an amount of emails/requests asking for advice on different topics. Initially, I thought, “Who do I think I am giving other people advice? I am not qualified for this! I don’t even have it all figured out. What the f*** am I doing?” Even when I sit down and work on my book or write an essay, the blank page mocks me. “What could you possibly have to say?” the cursor asks me while patiently blinking. The blank page is an asshole sometimes. Still, I think I want to try this because writing brings me happiness. There is a magic that comes from reaching out. I don’t believe in many things, but I believe in that with all my heart. Do you have something on your mind that troubles you and you need some uplift? Send me an email and we will help each other and figure things out together.

Here is one of the emails I received:

Hey Sometimes Raw,

I love your no-bs posts and thought it is a good idea to give you a new idea for a blog post. The subject of my email is that I am cheating on my wife. I am sick and tired of feeling guilty about wanting to, but deep inside I think that it might be helpful for our marriage and maybe improve the chances to have a happy home for our daughter. Here are some supporting facts: My wife is no longer interested in sex. Before our daughter was born we had the best sex ever. Men do have a higher sex drive I guess. This is the case for me. I do find my wife sexy, but I also find other women sexy and those women will have sex with me. When I have sex with these women, it will relieve much of the emotional resentment I have against my wife for her sexual indifference. I guess we will have a better relationship because the lack of sex is no longer a source of conflict. I feel physically better because I can release some of this insane lust that is buzzing in my pants. My wife is an awesome mother and my best friend. I have tried to speak to my wife about my “issues” to rekindle her sexual passions but it did not work. I think deep down she would actually tolerate my affair(s) as long as I would continue to be a good husband and father to our daughter. Open marriage is nothing she ever wants though. She told me. Affairs with other women will never change my love for her. Do you think I should pursue outside affairs in the interest of my family’s happiness?

Thank you,

Cheating Husband

Dear Cheating Husband,

Cheating is called cheating for a reason because the issue on the table is honesty, not sex my friend. If the lack of sex in your marriage poses a serious threat to your relationship, you should sit down with your wife and tell her that. Go to couple counseling together. Let her know that you need her to commit to some concrete plan for changing things between you. Work on a concrete plan! Get a babysitter, go out together and such so you can have time together. Tell her that you need to know that things are going to change because you are frustrated and powerless in this area and these things affect your life and marriage.

Here is what you should not do: Assume that your wife is fine with you discreetly running around fucking other women. Because I can fucking guarantee you, your wife would rather talk about it and find a solution. She is not remotely okay with you fucking around. Making this argument for fucking other women on a sneak is a pretty elaborate way to justify something that is unjustifiable. It is the kind of thing that will lead to you, alone, in a one-bedroom apartment, while your sexy, wonderful wife hangs out with some handsome, loyal and honest person who makes his desires known.

When you cheat on someone, you betray their trust, you rip apart their heart and love for you, you embarrass and depress them (in this case, when there is your daughter who depends on her and she can’t really afford to be depressed beyond belief), and most importantly, you permanently alter their ability to respect you.

To me, what works is when you have someone on your side, who would never do anything to hurt you. When that person betrays you, it is hard to get that feeling back. And when a child is involved, it is intoxicating, really. Having that support and trust and care ripped from you, when there are children in the picture, could make someone feel sad and very restless than you can possibly imagine.

What you really want is to feel desired and adored by your wife because you love her so much, right?! You feel invisible and maybe even feel that she does not want or even love you anymore. What can you do in this situation? Your challenge here is to show up and make yourself vulnerable, but don’t disappear and force her into an inherently vulnerable position. If she does not want to listen to you, don’t accept that. Make her understand that this is very important to you. I guess you have put in some work to make this appear harmless and logical, but I know that this is about you feeling hurt and neglected and too powerless to change it. Powerless and insecure are the keywords here if you want to hashtag anything.

So, when you feel hurt and vulnerable (and you can actually show and admit this) and you are willing to talk openly about it all, then there is an opportunity for your marriage to grow into something more beautiful than it was before. Just don’t run away, protect yourself and lie and hide and fuck yourself and your child over in the process. That may be the easy way out in the short term but in the long term, you will drop a bomb in the middle of your life, and you won’t be able to pick up the pieces once it goes off.

How about, spend more time with your daughter? I suggest that you get to know your child a little better. Spend some time thinking about what is best for your child, so the burden of stress does not always rest on your wife. Her interest in giving you a blow-job may experience an uptick under those circumstances. Your wife takes care of your daughter all the time so maybe you get off your ass and get involved in family life instead of sitting back and watching her doing it all. Find out how you can do more around the house, to help your wife. Meditate. Work out more and eat less so you burn off all that sex-lust and fat. Most importantly, learn to speak honestly to your wife. Ask her what her minimum needs are to feel happy.

You say you love her but if you are contemplating cheating as much as you seem to be, then you will be doing her and you a big favor by just getting a divorce. Make your current outlook very, very clear to her. She needs to meet you halfway. You need to meet her halfway. It seems like you keep a bit part of who you are hidden.

All the best and stop cheating,

Sometimes Raw

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