.SOMETIMES RAW.

“Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being “in love” which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches they find that they are one tree and not two.” – Captain Corelli’s Mandolin by Louis de Bernieres

I spoke to a close friend a couple of days ago who has been dating her boyfriend for quite some time now. She told me that her mom asked her recently, “Have you said, “I love you’ yet?” She inquired hopefully, like children waiting for a baby bird to hatch. “No, “she reported, “We have not.”

“Have you said it yet? Still nothing?” friends follow up days later, over coffee. To be clear, she was not concerned about this. But apparently, everyone else was. However and after the upteenth negative update, she started to feel like her relationship was a failure, when, by all other benchmarks, she would classify it as the best she had ever known. Her “friends” didn’t ask if this person showed up for her, or if he had the patience to get to know her partiular quirks. They did not ask if his presence brought her peace or if they made up songs that no one else would find funny. They didn’t ask if she felt safe or comfortable or like the truest version of herself. [For the record, the answer to all those questions is: YES!]

More saliently, nobody asked if she FELT loved. They only asked if she heard I love you yet. Is this one phrase the barometer by which one measures the progress of a relationship? And why, in our contemporary culture, is speaking it (versus actually demonstrating it) so very important?

After my recent divorce, these are many questions I have thought about over the last year. In my experience, it is clear that “love” is a word with too many interpretations. For some, it refers to an emotion, more of an “I adore you, ” or a declaration of infatuation. For others, it is a sign of commitment, weighed heavily and with care. Some think they really are just words, as informal as “I will call you, ” and just as easy to disregard. Or simply something you have to say at the end of a conversation.

I do not watch the Bachelor (or any TV at all for that matter) but I read in some magazine at the doctor’s office that contestants are known to say things like, “I can totally see myself maybe someday falling in love with you.” That is at least three generations removed from an emotion and definitely not a promise of care. Yet, time and again, they foretell that this all-important thing is totally maybe someday coming and lets their lover loose hope.

I know people who say “I love you” as early as a second date. And then it is this awkward silence when your partner does not say it back and you are all nervous about what comes next. There is just something about saying those three little words that marks a transition in the relationship between two people. Are you expected to keep saying I love you after you said it once? The thing is that you usually don’t break up with someone you just started to love, no? In an ideal world, usually saying I love you means you are all in. But what is ideal? Many also fear the me becoming a we. I believe love is more than a feeling and something that needs to be protected. It is a choice that needs to be made consistently. What does this word love actually mean?

Bell Hooks writes, “The word ‘love’ is most often defined as a noun, yet all the more astute theorists agree that we would all love better if we used it as a verb.” Kind of like, love is as love does, not as love says? So, if the real meaning of love is action, why are we so hung up on this damn phrase? What I have learned so far and how I define love in 38 years on this planet is: Hey, you, I love myself unconditionally. I see you, I accept you, and I will do whatever I can to make your life better because I value your presence in mine.

Mostly, love is felt before it is being said anyway and there are so many other ways to communicate one’s feelings. Considering myself being a language-nerd, we all may share common words, but each of us speaks their own unique language. And sometimes, if we are really lucky, we can find someone who understands us.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

can I please have your attention for this public service announcement: MY SECOND BOOK HAS BEEN PUBLISHED. The title: What if This is Enough? Essays. I love the title and the cover because it just works really well together.

What my second book is about: 

Like my first book, I have written essays on my life in general, about simplifying, about being a mother, about creating that like I am passionate about, inspirations, (mental) health and being a better version of myself. More focus is placed on my life before, during and after divorce. With this book I wanted to cover many aspects of (my) life but also share personal tips how to stay sane through a divorce.

What I hope to achieve with my book is that you get comfortable, enjoy a glass of wine, send your kids out with your partners and read my book in silence and peace. I hope my book will transfer you into a relaxed, though-provoking or inspirational mode and make you reflect and most importantly think. Publishing a book for a writer is a dream come true. Being an avid reader, publishing books was on my bucket list for a long time. It is a great feeling to stroll through bookstores and show my son the books I have written on the shelf. #shelfie

I really want to thank my family, friends, blog readers and the support I have gotten to make this happen. I will have a book signing coming up in Germany and Vienna at independent bookstores. Announcements and dates will be shared on this website. Honestly, I am still totally overwhelmed in the best way possible right now. Today,  I just spent the day with my family and friends celebrating in style.

I was at a friend’s party the other day and the following conversation occurred:

A friend (AF): Have you been watching ….. TV show?

Me: Nope, I don’t watch a lot of series.

AF: Oh, my gosh, you have to. We are so addicted, Wait, you are kidding – you haven’t??? You would love it!!!! Michael, how far in are are you and Julia? Are you all caught up? I am dyyyyyying to hear what you thought of the recent episode when the Secondary Character and the Main Character finally made out!!! Sorry, Daniela, you don’t know what we are talking about but you really would love this show. I, like, kind of want to send you home to watch it. Let’s check out the pilot and trailer now. I would totally watch the entire season again. Chris, can you put it on? Thanks, babe. Here, Daniela, take the best seat. I want you to have a good view and this chair is the best spot. The last time, when Chris started it, he was like, “YOU have to watch this, “but I didn’t get into it at first, even though everyone in the room said they loved it. You really have to stick with it. The first three episodes kind of suck but you have to stick with it. Don’t walk out of the room to get things out of the kitchen or something. Don’t do laundry. YOU HAVE TO SEE THE WHOLE THING. Right Michael? That’s what I was going to say! It picks up around the fourth or fifth episode after they kill off the character everybody thought was going to be the main character in the next season.

Me: Okay. [They turn on Season 1, Episode 1]

AF: [Five minutes into Season 1, Episode 1]. Okay, so, I know that right now it is hard to keep all the characters straight, but they develop so much it is amazing. It is amazing to see that the main character’s sister hooks up with the character who the main character used to date years ago. Then she got pregnant and OHMYGOD. You won’t believe it – they now work together. They have a really cool dynamic that you will feel when you watch the entire season. Then Nick gets introduced to her at the bar. Then things will spice up again. Insane. He is so dumb, too. Not that that matters but I mean it is weird because she is actually in love with Mitch.

Me: Okay. [Sipping on my wine while looking for my phone in my purse]

AF: G-SUS, DANIELA! WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT YOUR PHONE? Sorry, I didn’t mean to yell but I don’t want you to miss anything. You have to watch eight seasons and 24 episodes each. Isn’t that awesome hahaha? We can watch some tonight!

Me: Thinking if it is possible to fake a sudden blindness #readthebookblindnessbyJoséSaragamo

AF: Wait, Chris, my love, did you see that? When we first saw it you didn’t think of the controversial episode? Yeah when we first saw it, we couldn’t decide either. Like, the entire time I kept asking myself, WHY am I watching this garbage but it is so catching and we are so desensitized to violence, but this is how it was throughout that time I guess. I saw that a lot of the critics were saying it was gratuitous, however, I don’t really agree. I think they actually ask us the really hard questions with this show. Like the questions that go to the bottom of things. Like deep. Daniela? Why are you getting up? You aren’t feeling comfortable? I am not letting you leave until we get through the first episode at least.

Me: I just wanted to get another glass of wine from the kitchen. [Thinking about how to escape]

AF: Wait, Daniela, don’t get up. Chris,l can open another bottle of wine if we all want some. Yes? Everyone? Michael, let’s do the Merlot. Everybody wants to watch the show now, right? You know, I have read that this is actually what professional acting is all about. There was a thing in The New York Times about how they observed how the actors on the show lived their private life. Hey Chris, babe, can you grab the Nachos while you are in the kitchen? I SAID, CAN YOU GRAB THE – yep, those. Thanks!

Me: ……[thinking: I don’t want to be here anymore]

AF: I just love destroyed female characters with insomnia. How they are depicted in the show is amazing. You guys like the wine and nachos? Arent’s those good? We just found this “wine guy” who occasionally travels to France and brings back the best Merlot. Anyway, we have another case in the basement. Yeah, Chris, no, I know what you are going to say, but the treatment of women characters in the show isn’t as bad as on “that other show”. Chris and I loved that one, too, even though it is kind of our guilty pleasure for a Sunday evening.

Me: I am tired. It was a rough day. I think I will go home.

AF: Really? Don’t you think the humor is really great and smart? Not everyone gets it right away but it is actually, like, laugh-out-loud funny so many times. I read somewhere that the director was really influenced by The Sopranos and I think I can really feel that, too. Chris and I usually get into fights all the times about patriarch characters. Well, not a fight but rather a discussion or argument. We barely fight. Haha. But I hated him when he said that the main character was “not complicated, and was ultimately doing the right thing in the relationship but his girlfriend would never shut up and narrate and just regurgitate garbage that makes no sense and blow things completely out of proportion”. I was like, Chris, it is not that easy. Keep in mind that the main character really wanted to relax about the entire situation if her partner would have been more of a family person. Then she decided to get a divorce because he chose to go on a Safari to Nairobi to relax.

Me: …..sigh

Michael and his girlfriend: I think my girlfriend and I are tired, too and we will leave now.

AF: Nooooooo, you guys all have to stay. The entire show is like that. The writing is so good, the conversations are epic. You just have to go with the flow. Chris, more Nachos and wine, please. Don’t you see the bowls are empty? G-sus, I am telling you guys, sometimes I would love to kill him, too. [laughs] Michael and Julia: Sh…..h………! No talking, guys. This part is so great. Michael, can you actually stuff a handkerchief in Julia’s mouth and add some duct tape? Hahhaha, just kidding. Anybody wants more Merlot?