.SOMETIMES RAW.

Hello and Happy Sunday/Monday! 

If you read my last post Damn you, Sadness, you know that I wrote about the departure and that I will leave Germany with one happy and one sad eye. Well, needless to say it was worse than expected and it was rather two sad eyes than anything else. Of course my head knows that it was necessary to leave my parent’s house and Germany at one point. Petit Joel and I stayed way beyond the time we initially planned. However, my heart was/is so sad about it all. It just hurts and of course I only remember the good times. Isn’t it always like this? Nothing was ever bad, right? Well, le husband arrived on Friday morning and I was so happy. We haven’t seen each other in two months and whenever he came to meet us in Germany it never felt like being together as a family. We stayed (not all the time) at my parent’s place  for a week or longer and this was pushing it to some weird limit. There was no running around naked in the house for example; simply because we could not. Or just doing whatever we wanted to do…., whenever or wherever we felt like it. Fill in the blanks here with whatever you think might fit. 

So we finally left on Saturday at noon and all the talks I had with my parents about this damn departure being necessary for all of us and we all agreed every single time, was out of the window. They looked so sad and ran around in the house, trying to kill time with useless shit; if by doing so they could stop time or never having to face the part of actually needing to say goodbye which is worse than anything else. So after my mom cleaned her medicine cabinet for an hour (there is actually nothing even in it!) and my father harassing the neighbor and then cutting some trees here and there, the car was loaded with tons of suitcases and we were ready to leave. 

If you have never experienced anything like this, you probably won’t know what I am talking about. This is not about going on vacation for a week or moving from Coburg to Bamberg. I am talking about moving to start a new life somewhere else. “I am a pro at this, ” I thought, but it does not get easier; believe me. Especially, after having spent so much time in Germany. The car ride to Berlin Airport was sad. I cried. I tried to read, it did not work. Then I realized that this is not something that will suck or something I am forced to do. I am willingly moving to Canada to study and to live here which is pretty damn cool. And the tears dried slowly and disappeared. They also took this melancholia that covered my soul like a layer with them. It has gotten better. 

Maybe it was all due to the craziness of traveling to Casablanca, Morocco first and staying there for 20-something hours. Or it was the flight to Canada the next day, Immigration craziness that turned out not that bad but I was just so tired that anything bothered me at that point and time. The car ride to the University where I will start a Master in September or the checking in at the Residency. Well, it has been all sorted out. These days, we are looking at houses for rent, the Kindergarten for Petit Joel and the area here which is beautiful indeed. I reckon I will like it here a lot. It has not been my first time in Canada. Le husband and I traveled on a regular basis to different parts in Canada from New York simply because we love it so much. I was so fortunate and happy when I received the letter of acceptance from the University I desperately wanted to go to. It is important to stop, reflect, love and wipe away those last tears. I know that my parents and family in Germany are not out of the world. They are healthy and simply a plane ride away. With Skype, FaceTime and all this good stuff they can be all visible in a minute which was not possible that easily when I left Germany in 2005 and moved to New York. There is a lot coming up in the next couple of days and weeks. Also many great trips and vacation and of course the time change that we all still need to adjust. Now, in Germany, it is time to wake up. Drive safe to work Dad. And have a great first day back at work Mom. I love you both so much. Unconditionally. 

“I walked into this empty church.
I had no place else to go
When the sweetest voice I ever heard
Whispered to my soul
I don’t need to be forgiven
For loving you so much
It’s written in the scriptures
It’s written there in blood.
I even heard the angels
Declare it from above –
there aint no cure
there aint no cure
there aint no cure for love.” [I read this poem on the plane]

Hello and Happy Tuesday!

You thought this would be a pregnancy announcement, right? Sorry, haha! I have to disappoint you here!  This won’t happen at this point, simply because I haven’t seen le husband in two months, I won’t cheat on him and after another tantrum-filled day I really had the urge to write about this whole idea of having another baby. For the longest time, I did not want to have any children. Ever! My life felt good the way it was. Studying, alone, traveling you name it. Then I met le husband and for the first time, the idea of getting pregnant did not instantly make me throw up. We talked about having a child pretty soon in our relationship and I was fine with it. It felt right but not so soon. First I wanted to live and enjoy life with him however. And we did. We did it all, believe me. It was fun. And at some point, something was missing. Not really missing per se, but a child would have made our life perfect – just being  this happy, little family. This all sounds so great and feels so good in theory. 

Now, since Petit Joel is in our life, I honestly had days where I consider leaving him at Småland at IKEA. Most days are fine (when he possibly tries to collect bonus points for days like today. Of course and obviously, I would not ever leave him at Småland – or would I? 🙂 [Have you ever shopped at IKEA and wondered why staff call parents to please pick up their kids at Småland and they keep calling but nothing happens? Those parents are long time gone. Spinning wheels at the parking lot and heading to the ocean-gone! And those kids then build your bookshelf LEKSVIK that you purchase at IKEA at some point. This is my opinion, I could be wrong!]

So some days I think that maybe, possibly, there could be a slight chance of having baby number 2; however, those moments are very “very” rare and far or almost completely erased from my mind on really hard parenting-tantrum days. When I listen to my heart, it says that it would be nice for Petit Joel to have a sibling. Like one more; but that is it. Then, I am thinking how much easier it all gets, now that he will turn three in October. He is diaper free for two weeks now, so this chapter is over (for now). He can talk and speak clearly and fluently in two languages. Things are getting easier and I love this age and stage he is at right now. Thinking about doing it all over again:  diapers, nursing, sleepless nights and crying makes me cough slightly, pour myself another glass of wine and get a good book from my bookshelf. 

Looking back at newborn and baby pictures when Petit Joel was just a couple of days old, gives me this warm, comfortable feeling. Those teeny tiny baby days and that I was able and fortunate to experience his first steps makes me appreciate my life and having had him with me all this time. Without daycare, nanny and whatnot. I am looking forward to what comes next. How four-year old Petit Joel will be? How he will look, how his vocabulary will grow and his mind. 

These days, I am excited about the move, about the University, about Petit Joel joining the Montessori Kindergarten and everything else new that is around the corner. A pregnancy would definitely not fit into all this; but will it ever? I know that there is never the right timing whenever it comes to planning for a baby because it is always something, right? School and studying, move, new environment, husband gone on mission, you name it. Let’s see what happens. It is all good, no matter how it turns out. Life is good. We are healthy, happy and so so fortunate the way everything is right here and now. 

Hello and Happy Saturday!

If you followed my blog for a while, you might have read that we move to Canada for a while shortly. There are still some admin issues with le husband, Munich attack stress and plane re-scheduling but we are certain that our trip will begin next week. I am not sad to spend a couple more days with my parents in beautiful Coburg. Once in Canada, I will use this break to study full time and enrolled to finally start a Master in Linguistic. It is also time for Petit Joel to join a Montessori Kindergarten in September. So, wow, tons of changes are around the corner. And of course a lot of planning, packing and arranging is involved. Whenever it comes to suitcase-packing I am a pro by now. I can pack my suitcase for a month+ in traveling in under one hour while being blindfolded. When it comes to my son who has his own suitcase now, it takes a bit of arranging and slightly more time. I will share some tips and tricks that work for me – like my personal suitcase 101 if you will. 

Mastering the Art of Packing took some time but over the years with tons of traveling experience I learned to pack a lot lighter and minimalistic which changed my life. I also have to say that I don’t own that much clothing and I could almost literally put everything I own in one suitcase. I downsized a lot and stick to the basics that work with everything. I will write about my minimalistic wardrobe soon to give you an idea how little I (everybody) actually need(s) as far as clothing goes. 

So whenever I go somewhere, there is this certain excitement attached to trip preparation. Cleaning out things again, rearranging and considering if I really need this item that I put in my suitcase. With my new suitcase and packing light, there is definitely no forcing to close the zipper around it. 

First I consider what the temperature will be like and if I need the extra pair of jeans, sweater and jacket. I plan ahead because it is important and makes the trip easier. I start with a list of things (I love to make lists for everything!) I want to take for myself and for Petit Joel. I literally write everything down weeks before and add stuff as we go along. This way I can plan if I need to purchase something last minute or wash some other things I would like to take. I plan what I want to wear. Usually, I take two outfits that look really nice (going out with le husband) and otherwise  I have my basics, tank tops, jeans, t-shirts, cardigans and whatnot. This way it is organized and I have the essentials I need on hand. The same goes for my son. He does not have too much clothing as well – he grows so fast and I am tired of buying new things all the time. I rather wash more often. [By the way and talking about washing clothes: Petit Joel is diaper-free during the day!!! I did it. It was not easy but I am very proud of him and myself for sticking it out. Post about how I did it soon!]

I try to figure out if the place I am staying at has a washing machine. This way, I can still take less or plan accordingly. Also, there is always a laundromat somewhere in case I need to wash or stores to buy something I need. 

I organize items that I want to pack by categories. I create piles of shirts, short pants, t-shirts and so on for myself and Petit Joel. If I go for a short one-week trip for example, I take half of every stack and put the rest back in the closet. Now, since we travel and stay away for a long time, I have to adjust. I also have to take some winter clothing because -40 degrees Celsius in Canada is kinda tough. Then again, not too much because I will finally get my Canada Goose Coat. and Petit Joel his. Yay! I don’t own too many pairs of shoes either, neither does my son. We will take a pair (or two) of sneakers, comfortable shoes (Toms), sandals and of course a pair of high heels just because; you never know. 

If I know what to bring it is time to pack. Le husband told me this trick of tightly rolling my clothing rather than folding because I can fit so much more into my suitcase. Of course I won’t roll everything but if done with care, there are almost no wrinkles. Le husband is a packing expert as well. Actually, better than I am. Then again, I am usually the one packing for two. (Petit Joel and I – like every mother I know) He also told me to place heavier items on the bottom and lighter ones on top. This makes it easier to roll and pull the suitcase around.

Maybe you find this useful. I wrote how to travel with a baby and how to travel with a toddler and tips and tricks I learned along the way if you would like to read. Enjoy and safe and happy travels.