.Ask Sometimes Raw: “How do I get over a betrayal”?

Hello and Welcome to “Ask Sometimes Raw” where I will answer your burning questions. Ask me a question by sending an email to danielahenry81@gmail.com with the subject line “Ask Sometimes Raw,” or simply leaving one in the comments.

Dear Sometimes Raw,

I married the man I never thought I would meet. It was this kind of man I actually considered having children with and spend the rest of my life being loved by and loving him back. One week into the relationship he told me that he broke up with all his girlfriends. He met so many women because he was single, traveled a lot but now he knows that I AM the one. I felt so good, so special. I thought, “these poor ladies.” One year later we were married (I know, gross), and another year later we had our first child, followed shortly after by our second. He started to work more and spent long hours at the office. Once he returned home, he was usually different, almost absent at times. We had horrible fights, too. We spoke a lot about our problems but I guess not enough because I was always still concerned about the dramatic change in his personality and actions. Certain things seemed to be more important than spending time with the family. Our marriage was not perfect, and in hindsight, there were many things that bothered me but I let it slide hoping it will all get better at some point. He has a huge ego that he uses to mask insecurity and lack of self-confidence but women love it. Eventually, I found out that he cheated on me for quite some time. Of course, I don’t want reconciliation. I filed for divorce because once trust has been broken this marriage ship has sailed. Since then, I have come a long way. I feel so much better and all I would love is some advice on how to move on more easily and heal after this exhausting time.

Sincerely,

New Adventures


Dear New Adventures,

Emergency signs, bells, and alarms are overheard because we are blind and sooooo in love (#eyeroll). But when someone is wrong for you, he is just wrong for you. Sometimes, there is no way to hold things together because you cannot be nicer, more understanding, sexier or whatever. You cannot make your partner more caring, more like a loving father for your children, more loyal or patient. But let’s not barrel down that rageful lane but instead think you need to survey the facts and realize that in the end, you are better of without him. That guy was never going to give you the support and love you and your children deserve. Like ever. I guess that he is not even capable of sticking by someone’s side when the chips are down and times get rough. Some people are just like that. They love you intensely one minute, but as soon as the situation shifts a bit because people change, they get bored and they are out. I bet, if you would have paid close enough attention, you would have seen a few more examples of him backing away from you slowly.

It is important to figure out early on if you can really lean on your partner and trust them that they will be by your side when roads get rough. If a guy seems to love you but his behavior shows an interest in creating greater distances all the time stay away from him. If he constantly fantasizes about more projects, if he is insecure and does not take responsibility for anything he says or does, backs away when you need him most, only talks about himself and how awesome he is, or seems unable or unwilling to get to the bottom of any conflict with you because it is all your fault anyway, your alarm bells should ring and maybe you should not be with that guy. Don’t sign up for a lifetime with this person. Way too many people do, hoping that the partner will change along the way. They rarely do.

I know that it is incredibly hard to raise your two children on your own while dealing with this betrayal. But you can do this. You have come so far. It is time to rid yourself of the aftertaste of his bad decisions once and for all. His choices and actions do not define you. His heartlessness and lack of loyalty and interest in his children have nothing to do with you. That is who he is. That is his reality he believes. He probably blames all this on you but guess what, it always takes two people. Deep down, he is insecure, sad and lonely and he knows that but he masks it well. All you have to do now is to make sure to define your life story in a new way. Reinvent your whole life and make it look beautiful again, whether or not it has a man in it. You have to become strong again, and happier and healthier. File your ex under MR. WRONG permanently with a warning label attached for other women who may fall for his initial charm.

The path from now on is about you, and you alone. Quiet your mind and really see yourself. Start dating and hanging out with yourself. Do the things that make you feel happy, strong and independent. Whatever that entails. Maybe you want to change your hair. Maybe cut it very short. Maybe move to another city or country. Maybe you have to leave people you love behind and maybe you even have to give up some big dreams. You should stop making room in your life for someone else’s love and start making room for your self love instead. Be proud of yourself. Imagine a life without romantic love for now. Love yourself and your children first. Drink their love in. They will be big kids faster than you think so slow down and drink yourself and life in, too. Recognize how much happier and better off you already are without your ex.

As Arthur Ashe once said, “Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.” Remember that there is no injustice in your life anymore. You are healthy and your children are healthy. Love yourself and love them. Think that this is exactly where you are supposed to be at this moment.

Be well,

Sometimes Raw

3 Replies to “.Ask Sometimes Raw: “How do I get over a betrayal”?”

  1. Bonjour, je vous lis depuis un long moment. J'ai bien connu l'ex, cette description est incroyablement vrai. Un loup déguisé en agneau pour moi... Tu es une très belle personne, et j'adore tes écrits. Amicalement.

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