These days my nature is to do the sensible thing. To make the safe choice, keep quiet until I am sure what to say. Not to rush into things anymore. I thought I have seen it all but what I am going through these days is nothing I ever thought I would have to deal with. All I can say is that this is no way to say goodbye. At some point, two people were in love but are no longer due to certain circumstances. Reflecting on how things were a couple of years ago, the thought of being apart was overwhelming at some point. Those times when I drove him to the airport, we parked the car, walked hand in hand to the terminal, he checked in, and our hearts burst while we gazed at each other before we spoke. I remember the conversations almost verbatim. Then he left through the security checkpoint. And was gone.
As some of my readers have noticed, my husband and I have not been together for quite a while now. However, I don’t think it is fair to him to discuss specifics about our relationship on my blog or the internet. As logical as this is, my initial thought was also to dismiss the suspicion that has built up for some time. Like a whiff of something that is just in my head. Or I just have to duck my head, cover my ears, eyes, and mouth and wait for it to blow over like the tornado in Ottawa last week. Then I can just wrap myself back inside the life that used to fit me so comfortably. And I just keep going because it would be a lot easier than what I am going through right now. But deep inside my body knows the truth, pricking tears into the corners of my eyes whenever I thought of it all, sleepless nights, adrenaline every time I probed a little further, every time I asked more questions. Last year around that time, all I felt was this unbearable hunger to have someone hold my deck of cards in their hands and gently nod in recognition telling me everything will be okay and dealt with because the house always wins.
Regardless, certain things that recently happened caught me by surprise since everything could have been solved a lot easier. I still do not understand why people who have nothing to do with “our issues” need to suffer but I reckon, there are reasons. When I initially had been confronted with law agencies reports and files, I thought that everything looks blurry. Like I am missing something even though I haven’t lost anything or if I need something even though I have everything I used to need.
I am different now. All this stress made me even stronger. I changed and adjusted. Another piece of the puzzle has just started to crystallize. After all this time of indulging in the misplaced frustration that I was not able to see this insanity earlier, I wanted to find myself since I could not articulate who I was anymore. My life is changing. But it is not a bad thing. I am surrounded by love and the most amazing people after all.
These days I have to go through a lot of paperwork, phone calls and explaining situations, but I do send light and love whenever I think of him and then I drop it. What helped me a lot? Meditation and focusing on mySelf. Sometimes when I meditate I feel more love than I ever felt before. I learned how to clear out most of the mess that comes in. Most people want things to stay the same way; sometimes even settled in misery because they are afraid of change. But why? Others make the same choices over and over and expect a different result. Or worse, some try to make something work or change a person. What for? If it doesn’t work or feel good, move on and leave.
These days, I am happy and content. I can now, after all these crazy months finally articulate again who I am and I know for certain that it is something I have never been. Writing always helps me. This tight feeling in my throat when I want to cry and scream (it kind of feels like a lozenge stuck in my throat) usually disappears as soon as I write or when I am at my happy place. The other day, I had a nightmare. I won’t go into details but it was pretty bad. I got up, made myself a cup of tea and fragments of sentences swirled their way around my head and I started to type along. The words patiently waited for me to figure out how to fit them together at 2 am. Well, the positive aspect of all this is that my second book will get published soon if I keep working at this pace.
These days, I can pinpoint who I am and discern who I was, what I felt and why. I am the architect of my life and as confusing as it all seems, as disorienting, frustrating and sad as it feels, a curious thrill pulse is felt in me and my chest. It tells me that I can give myself permission to chase growth over insecurity and lies.