.Forgiving Myself.

Some choose to live a valueless, pleasure-driven and self-absorbed life. All they care about is sustaining the high a little longer to avoid the inevitable failures of their life, to pretend the suffering away. Others believe they are special and unique. They exaggerate their achievements and talents. They may take advantage of others and their behavior is arrogant. They lack empathy even though they pretend to have it. They have frequent mood swings,  are impulsive and have an unstable and fluctuating self-image. But most importantly they lack self-confidence and are insecure.

When I think of forgiveness it usually has to do with seeing blame or guilt in someone else. With great effort, I say that I forgive them. I proudly tell myself and others that I don’t have an issue with that person anymore as I have forgiven him for whatever it was I believed was an affront against myself or someone close to me. If there are cases when I then still feel uncomfortable seeing them or encounter certain situations I still have work to do. Then I have forgotten to forgive myself. What? He did X, Y, and Z to me so why should I forgive myself? Am I crazy?

When I find myself drawn into the emotion of guilt or blame (myself or others) I ask myself to go back, in my mind, to the earliest time I can remember when I experienced similar emotions. Doing so helps me realize that I had actually made a decision to believe an untruth. I chose to feel abandoned or rejected which further lead me to the mistaken belief that I was not good enough and not worthy of being loved. This emotion will inevitably come back in time and again and again until it is confronted and healed. This can be accomplished by forgiving everyone involved especially myself for choosing the erroneous belief in the first place.

I accept that I made mistakes and that it’s OKAY to forgive and to remember who I am. We are all born pure, innocent and deserve being loved. With tender persistence and loving forgiveness, we can heal spiritually, emotionally, mentally and even physically (holding on to guilt and blame will take its toll). My forgiveness is imperative. It is liberating to realize we can heal ourselves by dispelling these toxic delusions. Practicing forgiveness opens myself to receiving the love I was born to experience. Forgiveness is when I truly and lovingly release myself and others of ours and their mistaken beliefs or errors absorbed in my consciousness.

Lately, I have been curious about what makes someone great. I would define greatness as being happy and living my truth. I am curious about what separates people who are happy and those who are not. I recently read a book on happiness and was reminded that all everyone wants is to be happy. I find out more and more that our happiness is largely connected to “connection” with the “right” people. The people who, when I think about them, give me the most joy, happiness and whom I can connect with. In some sense, certain connections in my life give meaning and purpose to my life.

Whenever I put myself out there through my words and pictures, I am opening the door for potential criticism and judgment. I may also expose myself to answers and opposing views which is indeed a lot more fulfilling than stagnating in the comfort of what I already know. One important aspect is, however, to stay true to myself. I am always inspired by people who love to dream, who go beyond their fears and stand up for something they believe in. Surrounding myself with them helps me stay in a headspace that is conducive to me achieving my dreams. I have been quite vulnerable in the last couple of weeks but I received help me to connect deeper, feel less alone, be happier, more content and I have been reminded that there are always solutions when I just keep perspective. Opening up and letting people see who I truly am makes me vulnerable, however, sharing certain parts is so freeing. Asking for help is okay.

These days, I found my life to be incredibly freeing and awesome. I have been given a chance to explore different possibilities, see, experience, learn, grow, and discover new ways and criteria for fulfillment. There are so many new ways and opportunities to be happy.  I have been reminded that I am enough, that I am loved and most importantly that I love and forgive myself.

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