You know what one of my special talents is besides being obsessed to have a clean house or untangling ropes and wires? Making volcanos out of molehills or sand. Also, I have this talent to blow a bad situation out of proportion completely, usually whenever I am on the phone with my mom. During our last (somewhat sobbing) phone call, my mom opened my eyes when I told her that my life is a mess and terrible. “Think about all the positive things happening in your life”, she said and added that I should stop focusing on everything negative and don’t let this stuff overshadow the rest of my awesome life since I already know what to do if I dig down really deep and listen to myself.
After this particular phone call, things made sense. My mom calmly explained life to me while I am all over the place, trying to focus while being a Debbie Downer and letting the negativity spoil the positive things in my life within one second. Whenever something bad happens I have the tendency to let this unhappiness seep into all other aspects of my life which is definitely not a good thing. So, if things work well in my life, I tend to not allow it to boost my overall morale and well-being but rather seek more. Usually, it is all or nothing meaning that either everything goes well or everything is a disaster. I know this is not a healthy way of thinking and that it is taking a huge toll on my emotional life and for some reason, it takes a tremendous amount of work to snap out of it. But now, I have to.
A series of events happened in my life that includes trying to find a job, a move, solo-parenting, studying and a plethora of exams. I was losing sleep, losing weight, having this brain fog that did not clear up and breaking down crying at points while trying to figure out where my life is heading. Occasionally, I had this feeling that I did not know where my life was going at all and “German” worrying and negativity was, of course, feeding itself until this massive grey cloud of sadness appeared that I could no longer ignore.
Throughout my studies, I met so many people who gave me strength, power, and inspiration to break this insane cycle I was stuck in for the last couple of years. I have been reminded again to focus on positive thinking, daily affirmations and to allow myself to recognize and enjoy special happy moments, with no strings too tightly attached. This is all new territory for me and I enjoy to discover it more. All this advice was only helpful once I discovered my emotional agility to get there by myself since I was in the middle of this negativity meltdown, and any moment of recognition and self-worth felt somewhat forced and did not lift me out of the misery I was in. So what to do when I try to lean into optimism but I get a shitload of pessimism and I cannot climb out of the toilet because someone keeps flushing?
I simply acknowledged the facts. I acknowledged that I am in a negative place right now which is helpful to me since I live in the moment. It somehow allows me to recognize all the negative stuff going on in my life in a larger sense while focusing on them and trying to find solutions instead of just wishing things away. Also, sometimes it is helpful to engage in tangible activities or distractions rather than happy thoughts. For example, thinking of a separation agreement I put on my sneakers and go for a run. Or, if I desperately want to write but nothing of value comes to my mind at this point, I just bake some blueberry muffins to distract myself and to make me feel better; even though it may only be a temporary diversion; but yum! Kinda like, gaining new perspective through blueberry muffins which might be actually helpful.
I also stopped beating myself up when I am in a shitty mood because it makes my situation simply worse. I just acknowledge when I feel bad and tell myself that it is completely fine and then try to figure out ways to make the situation better. Acknowledging my feelings and recognizing why I feel shitty is important as well as figuring out how to move on. It becomes easier to deal with all this on a daily basis. Being able to reach out to family and friends is salient as well since they offer help and support and ways to shift my focus out of this negativity bs. And you know what? Since I realized all this, I am celebrating the good things in my life (and there are so many) and I let the bad ones just roll off my shoulders by simply taking a step back and seeing the bigger picture. Whenever I am not able to do this, I focus on other things that make me happy such as spending time cooking shrimp and having a beer at the river with my friend contemplating life. I also always have Yoga, meditation, a good book, a good movie and myself.
Has all this positive thinking turned me into some sort of super-zen human? Nope. I simply leave the past behind and look joyfully toward the future. These days, I am actually not really in the past or in the future. I am right here, right now. I am in the right place, doing the right thing, at the right time and have the best people possible surrounding me to help when necessary.
My story is unique, my journey is exciting and my life is amazing. Also, everything is exactly as it should be and good things are coming my way since I know what is best for me and I approve of myself. My ability to overcome challenges is really limitless and I am not afraid of my fears since they do not control me. Those fears are just thoughts and not reality. I can and I will since the possibilities in my life are endless.
The German Angst is still creeping up here and there but with practice, it is more manageable for sure and in the near future I will be able to build an even better mountain out of this molehill by adding tiny bits of sand to the pile. And there is always a special shelter.