Letting go is healing but it is not always easy. A support network is important and I am glad to have people in my life who care, listen and help. Life is a constant flux and change. We can try to resist change but in the end, life happens. I would have loved to be in a different place many times but life has its way and many things that happen are and were out of my control. So what can be done? I can move forward to the best of my ability. I asked my friend if we are really moving forward when we are still holding on to the past. This question led to hours and hours of discussions.
What happened, happened. We cannot turn back time. Knowing that everything changes is a positive thing in my eyes. It means that we are never permanently fixed and we have the option to either walk toward greater openness and light or to negativity and resentment. We truly have the ability to transform our body and mind to any higher or more developed state of existence. Whatever we choose it to be. I just have to observe myself and get to know who I am instead of continuously wondering why certain things happen to me over and over again. I thought many times that I am over X, Y, and Z or that I learned from previous “mistakes”, yet it seems that out of the blue I get hit/hurt again. This is a good indication that more inner work still needs to be done.
So, I have been asking myself what life is trying to tell me. I know I am responsible for myself and that life can feel and be very effortful once I recognize that the way I was living for the last couple of years did not exactly serve me but I never asked myself what needed to change. Some sort of quasi-review of what happened and no conversation with my partner left me trustfully hoping for the best, sort of like “this too shall pass, things will sort themselves out eventually”. There was also a lot of negative controlling involved that wore me down and left me no room to reflect and connect with myself.
My friend then asked me, “Do you know yourself?” Simple answer: A bit, I reckon. While we drank coffee and spoke I realized that everything still is very unsettling and the healing process is even daunting to think what lies ahead of me. Life throws new curveballs at me almost on a daily basis, new decisions need to be made and I realize that by entangling myself in certain ego version of who I am or was won’t help me to grow. Building a strong core and stable foundation is important. This entails knowing my heart (damn anatomy class), character strengths and skills, vulnerabilities and weaknesses, fears as well as the threshold of my comfort zone. This simply requires deeper self-reflection and most importantly self-honesty. I want to probe the mysteries of my heart more deeply to “dis-cover” why there were so many uncertainties in previous relationships and these battles to keep what no longer works afloat.
My friend and I agreed that we just have this humbling ability to see life one brief moment at a time. Of course, there may be patterns but that is no guarantee that we are right. Sometimes there are too many options to choose from. Many people are scared to make the wrong decisions so instead, they stay put knowing that where they are right now is not the best place for them but it sure is familiar and familiar means comfortable to some extent.
We have the ability to either destroy or build in our minds. We can German-Angst-worry and amplify it into a colossal set of potential problems that may never happen but paralyze me with fear. Mental strength is the key and makes me extraordinary. My friend spoke about some of his fears and it was a proof again that it’s inside, not outside, where we determine if someone is happy, lonely, sad, successful, ashamed, proud, overwhelmed, etc. Again, what happened to me, happened. There are no easy or quick fixes to this shit! I just want my brain to rest at night and stop thinking. In my anatomy class, I learned that our brain never ever sleeps. It works even while our bodies are at rest. Great! It makes connections and tries to further navigate us through this life. Awesomeness, but please, I need some rest.
I know my mind is the only refuge from the rest of the world and I am not afraid to spend some quality time with myself to analyze certain things. And just because my heart wants something, doesn’t mean it is wise to pursue it. I learned that rational thinking and logic are put on silence when the heart is speaking. The language of our wants rarely focuses on what makes sense, but rather focuses on what needs to be quenched and usually, in hindsight, did not make sense at all.
We spoke about certain fears that can be used to tell the brain to avoid risk; yet, nothing in life is ever safe, secure and can be controlled. What is it we try to stay safe from? Death, which cannot be avoided but maybe delayed? Failure? Nope, I have been there, many times and it is an essential part of growth I reckon. Suffering? Nope, this is an essential tool for survival. So playing it safe does not really cut it since we have little control. I know I have to stop the why-me-complex and stop ignoring my support network that means well.
Everything and everyone changes constantly. Nothing ever stays the same but letting go of the past in my own way enables me to be energized, clear and ultimately ready to enjoy the present and be ready to welcome the future. I am not afraid to get hurt because it is part of life. I learn from it when my mind is open. What I do not like in my life, I heal and what I already love, I love and enjoy more deeply. <3
An evening well spent, Mr. K.L.
