I listened to the news this morning by mistake. I rarely do and it hurt me to realize that the world has gotten even fuller of pressure to pretend than ever. Everybody is on social media and pretends to post their happy life by adding perfectly poised pictures and more empty invitations into an unrealistic yet seemingly idealistic life. While you play with the snails, listen to me.
It is all empty. Life is empty unless you give it meaning. No one ever has or has had a perfect life. Everyone struggles, everyone has pain and is lonely here and there. I saw this today when I visited your great-grandparents. They are struggling and suffering every single day but keep moving forward despite the pain they feel. Yet, everyone wrestles with anger and feels insecure at certain points. Actually, there is no ticket out of all this. I have tried many options but it simply ended in anger and I lost the joy in the process. Nothing is ever enough. No friend you can have, no gadgets you will buy that will ever be enough. You will always compare and the comparison is a stealer of joy which is a stealer of the gift of you-you, in all your uniqueness.
So, how does mom deal with all this insanity? Mommy buys and eats a lot of healthy food but also a lot of chocolate. Or she buys a new pair of jeans or gets a haircut for $5. I love to be distracted by something fun than dealing with my own troubling thoughts all the time. Doing all this could be helpful but it can never be everything. You know when the most healing comes? When I share all my struggles and tell the truth to someone who is worth listening, understanding and hearing it all. Most of the time, the person who really needs to hear the truth first is me, however. You know what my self-preservation of choice is? Denial that all that happened did not happen. That everything is exactly as it was before I found out. When we were not perfect but together and had the option to change things.
One thing I have learned so far is that I would rather walk in my truth than pretend and feel alone. Telling and knowing the truth is important and makes me feel so much better. It is a breath of fresh air even though certain doors are closing. At least it is honest. Remember when I told you that the braves ones, the ones worthy of our admiration are those who walk through life authentically and honest? These braves ones are out there. Trust me. They are. You know how you will find out? Because they are nice and by their honesty and kindness which makes them so attractive rather than constantly pretending, being arrogant or cocky and getting nothing accomplished. The former also will have grace for you and most importantly grace for themselves.
My love, you know what is the loneliest of professions? Pretending. When I was young I tried to look like some girls in these dumb magazines imagining my thighs narrow and my cheekbones well defined and covered in make-up. I thought everyone will like me or that I would even like myself and be more confident. Guess what, my love? It is not true. Pretending is the most lonesome or desolate professions and gets you nowhere. Please do not pretend that there is no struggle and do not pretend that you always know what you are doing because nobody ever does. Also, keep in mind, there is nobody to impress. It may seem like it, but believe me, there is not. You know what? Sometimes those people we think who have everything they ever want in their life are actually the loneliest and saddest.
Keep in mind my love that you never have to be anyone other than you. Period. It is okay to be grumpy, to not finish your homework and to have messy hair that does not look like Paw Patrol’s Ryder’s hair. It is okay to be excited for no apparent reason. I am the same way. You are allowed to need help because we ALL need help sometimes. You are also allowed to be loud, you are allowed to be quiet and most importantly you are allowed to be you. You do not need anybody’s permission to be you.
Today, when we were at the movie theater I thought that your little grumpiness before we left was met by my grumpiness because I was so tired and jet lagged. Sometimes I react wrongly to your excitement. My love, I will not always get it right but that does not mean you are getting it wrong. All I am doing is to just figure it all out and to apologize when I realize I messed up. But you know what? I would rather be messy with you every day for the rest of my life than to spend one single day pretending or without you. I would rather make mistakes and then apologize; I would rather love hard and strong and most importantly freely than sell myself for a picture of perfection. You know what is continuously walking through life? Joy! Joy is walking through your life and through others who really know you. Your grandparents for example. Since we are here in Germany with your family you especially feel, know and believe that you are truly loved and are enough exactly how and who you are right now today.
I want you to know and believe this and understand at some point that there is grace enough for you to be you, in your craziness, mess, glory, and uniqueness. I for one will always adore and love you and always will; unconditionally.