.Permanently Insane.

“Above the mountaintops, all is still. Among the treetops you can feel barely a breath:  birds in the forest, stripped of song. Just wait: before long you, too, shall rest” – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 

After a bunch of stressful weeks, I finally found the time to sit down and write. Updating and reflecting on my last post, I finally officially graduated with a Masters in Linguistics and Discourse Studies from Carleton University and enrolled one week after submitting my research essay at the Institute of Holistic Nutrition to become a Holistic Nutritionist. Crazy? Maybe. Interesting, hellz yes! I dedicated this diploma to myself, to learn more about my body, nutrition, anatomy and so much more and actually see the bigger picture behind it all since this is my body, my life, and my health. Was it scary to enroll in a Biochemistry class for a whole semester? Of course. Since maths, statistics, calculations, and whatnot are not my thing I thought I will struggle a lot but I realized again, that I can do whatever I put my mind to and what I want to accomplish.

We all have our stresses: fear, anxiety, discomfort and so much more. I put my body through a lot of stress in the last couple of months and regret it since I really do love myself. Messing with my health, mood, motivation, and productivity was not a smart thing to do but for some strange reason, I accomplished everything I wanted to nonethesless. This makes me realize again how amazing the human body is, what we can take and keep moving forward even though we might go through a hard time. I also understood that most of the “problems” I thought I had are just simple dilemmas that caused anxiety and many sleepless nights. I realized that I cannot change the circumstances but I can always change my mindset. Worrying about things I cannot change or do anything about is useless. Some situations are uncomfortable but that’s where growth comes in.

I thought I loved my comfort zone and all the things I took for granted. Or assumptions of certain scenarios that I took for granted and thought they may be guaranteed to work out to be good and will then be polished by myself to perfection. Well, life doesn’t work like that. Life threw curveballs at me once again.

So whatever I have been through for the last couple of months, I learned and grew from it. Right now, I am working on self-improvement, career trajectories and possibilities to stay and work here in Canada since I do like this country for many reasons. I resigned from my previous job and it is all about taking risks at this point; however, I love what I am doing and I am truly passionate about it for the first time in my life. Of course, I know that it is all terrifying and taking risks like this may not result in what I hope for but this uncertainty is part of the bigger picture and makes life interesting in the long run.

These days, my priorities are not revealed too much in words (even though I missed writing on my blog immensely). They shown my actions and those actions then again challanged by my busy schedule. I learned that fear held me back from a bunch of things I really wanted to do for a long time and then I realized that this particular fear is not going anywhere but that I must create the life I wish to create even though it won’t be easy. Life is too short to be in any situation I do not want to be in and it seems to be even shorter when I spend it with people I do not want to be around with.

There are always blank pages to write a new chapter (“Faster than the speed of love”). Those last couple of months taught me that the most important person in need of/to love is myself. The thoughts I previously had, “Maybe I am not good enough, maybe I have to give 200%, maybe I have to be different or maybe, maybe, maybe…” did not get me anywhere but to the conclusion that I may have loved the wrong person. Love (and yes, I tried to erase it from my vocabulary), is something I share because I have it and want to share it; not something I give desperately because someone needs it. The first person on the list is ME and nobody else and I am recapturing my self-dignity and worth by putting myself in the situation I deserve to be in.

We are taught through open source media that falling in love is everything. This is the ultimate goal. There are chemicals in our brain that show that love acts literally like a drug. We meet someone new, become hooked and try to dedicate our lives to that person in the desperate hope of getting another dose of this addictive love drug. Unless we break the habit. The problem here is that I forgot throughout it all that people you truly loved can let you down hard. They can love someone else in a heartbeat for example. I may have made some persons top priority in my life to some extent and in the meantime, I am already all low on their lists. Honestly, this is the ugly side of love I do not want to explore any further.

Is there a solution to this never-ending problem? How about if I find a person who loves me unconditionally ( I also tried to erase this word from my vocabulary) and will never let me down. This person I have to love before I can love anybody else and this person is me. I am more than good enough. I am thinking here that I cannot accept true love (if this even exists) if I don’t love myself first. How can I give my heart to someone else if I don’t love my own heart in the first place?  I just accept all the flaws that make me myself because at the end of the day, when I strip everything away I only have one thing left: myself!

Reflecting on Goethe and his poem:

Getting to know myself better I have to say that early this morning when the cold hit me hard upon opening the door I had a thought: I am not a morning person at all even though I am trying to get my morning run in early.  Seeing all the birds outside at the neighbor’s bird feeder made me realize that birds are the worst. What’s with their exaggerated historical appointment as being productive, pre-punctual somewhat “role-models” which is completely unwarranted. I can totally understand to wake up for an awesome omelet and coffee but not for worms. For some reason, birds do get a lot done though.

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