Really? Sometimes, things change.
Il faudrait traverser un universe lyrique
Comme on traverse un corps qu’on a beaucoup aimé
Il faudrait réveiller les puissances opprimées
La soif d’éternité, douteuse et pathétique” – Michel Houellebecq
Getting knocked down in life is hard but it is important to get back up and keep moving on. The biggest battle I fight is with myself. I learned that I have to let go and that certain people are not meant to be in my life since they just create pain. I learned that I have to stop feeding myself bad thoughts. I learned that I do not need more evidence. I learned that I have to let go and overcome doubt, fear, negative thoughts and excuses. I learned that I have to be selfish at this point since this is my life, my decisions, and actions that count while of course allowing others to do their own thing. I learned that the fewer expectations I have, the better off I am (e.g. no more waiting for a bit of acknowledgment or encouraging sweet words). I learned that trying harder, yet still not doing enough in some person’s eyes, means I am with the wrong persons.
I know that instead of trying to find that “perfect”, right person for myself, I rather focus on becoming exactly this person. I know that being around people who I actually do not want to be around with is just a waste of time. There is limited room in everyone’s life and I know that I am the one who allows who can and cannot take up space in my life. I know that I choose the things I focus on and if this entails cutting off toxic relationships, then so be it. Most importantly, I am being honest with myself. No lies because lies suck and do not get me anywhere. I create the life I want by deleting things that I do not enjoy anymore.
“To attain knowledge, add things every day. To attain wisdom, remove things every day.” – Lao Tzu
I know that I don’t care anymore what “others” think of me and my situation since I realized how rare and little they did and do in the first place. I know that judgements are really just reflections of us. I know that it is an awesome feeling to surround myself with people who encourage me to be the person I want to be. I know I am most impressed by people who try not to impress me, or are simply “good guys” since those are the ones that really matter. I know that when things were the most difficult in my life, those friends reminded me to see the opportunities rather than just the challenges.
I learned that losing someone who I thought was special in my life felt like this person ripped out a huge chunk of me. I learned that I felt naked, like a turtle without its shell thinking that a certain amount of time building things with that person simply no longer exists and disappeared. I learned that emotionally I felt like I am losing it and this incredible emptiness like being jolted out of a familiar place that I created for myself. I learned that once the emotions were exhausted (they just got tired of being up all night and so did I), room for logic appeared and I rather pondered on those thoughts. I learned that I do not need anybody to tell me how I should feel, act or what I should believe (e.g. “wipe away those tears and give 200% to make this work” or “you need sun”). I learned that I do not need someone to tell me what my purpose is. I give my life purpose without looking for an easy road because there is none. Monotony was never my things.
“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.” – Dr. Seuss
I learned to paint my picture the way I want it to be painted since this life is my canvas and nobody but I holds the brush. I learned that the words love and unconditional mean nothing to me anymore since the love I thought I was seeking was loaded with conditions. I learned that independence is salient (there is that smart word again) and dependencies are unhealthy. I learned that other people can exploit my need for affection and love for their own benefit. I learned that I cannot hold this against them but I can stay away from such people. I learned that the strongest don’t survive but rather the most adaptable. I did not learn but have been reminded by my body that health is the most important thing in my life and messing around with it is not good. I learned that whatever I have to go through in life, I just have to deal with it but most importantly learn and grow from it.
I know life is not fair. Never was, never will be. But I am building this strong, solid relationship with myself while paving my own road with less traffic.