I just submitted my final course paper for graduation and the research I worked on all summer and fall. I cannot believe I finished both. It feels awesome and I will never forget what I have been through while trying to focus and write. It was the toughest time in my life, yet I continued with incredible strength. I had help from very close friends who listened patiently to every word I said because they care. They love to spent time with me and help. This is when I started to realize things about my life as this year comes to an end.
Many things came to an end in the last couple of weeks while other fantastic things happened. Some people in my life chose to walk on different paths from now on. Others even do this with another person and became less trusting while I am fortunate to build trust with the ones that actually really matter.
One of the most important questions I asked myself at this point in my life is, “Why?” Why did certain things happen in my life that threw me around and kept me breath- and speechless, sad, disappointed, angry and in intense pain. I had been thrown out of a situation I valued and been kicked into a new world that felt cold and unknown. I felt worthless, scared, sad and cold. Everything I thought I knew, that was familiar to me or I believed I understood disappeared quickly into nothingness.
What I realized is that the heart doesn’t break the same way when something more intense comes along the way. It is this injury on the inside that lingers around like a bad cough and I mostly have to rely on the mercy of time to heal – time that usually does not work on my schedule. This helpless feeling and sickening pain as if I would be drowning thankfully eventually stopped.
Certain things kept me occupied that I almost lost track of my research and work for a bit. Then friends pushed me out of this dark place of thought and misery. I just felt vulnerable and tons of hurt and in pain. A valuable realization dawned on me as I paused and took a long deep breath. A clear realization that things need to change since I do not want this to go on like it did for the last several months or years. I question this path I followed for several years now because of a situation that caused shock in my life by shaking me awake the hard way.
This situation made me pause, reflect and ask “salient” (cool word mostly used in academia instead of important to sound smart) questions. And yes, I spent countless sleepless hours in bed staring at the ceiling. Nights are tough these days but I am not afraid of them anymore. I appreciate my thoughts, observe them and understand. Thoughts come and go like clouds but I don’t let them affect my health. My health is what is most important to me these days. “Don’t break, get back up!”
These moments of sadness led me to a new path that is a lot better aligned with the goals I, me, this person typing this, wants to reach. I asked why too many times and determined that I simply have to recalibrate my actions around the new goal and purpose. Believe me, it was not easy. Of course, there are other important questions that are easily overlooked, yet they are important to ask to eventually reach a moment of revision and clarity. For example, questions like, “Why am I doing X, Y, and Z in the first place?” I asked myself this questions a million times throughout my research, yet I am about to send out the application and proposal for my Ph.D. The journey is valuable, as valuable as the destination, I reckon. This notion influences what I do on a daily basis and it also in some way determines the outcome of it all since I consider who I may involve to come along with me; even if it might be on a spiritual level for now while considering the bigger picture.
A ton of pressure went off my back since I accomplished what I wanted to do. These days, I love to do absolutely nothing. I love to just sit quietly, with no music or other distractions since I can even do this why my son plays upstairs in his room. I either keep my eyes closed or I stare at the wall for 15 minutes and it feels awesome to just be for a while.
To just be for a while is a great way for me to stop over- thinking and analyzing things. I crawled out of this dark hole and I see more clearly now while at the same time looking at the situation very critically. I used the last three weeks as a valuable time to outsmart myself and be a better person by controlling things in my life again. Would I have listened to my inner voice, I should have heard the tiny whisper that resisted a long time ago. This tiny whisper that made me see things usually in a negative way and sometimes trust blindly. This tiny whisper is quiet now. I won’t mistake incompatibility for my personal worth since my personal worth is determined only by me. I realize that all I have is NOW. Yesterday does not exist anymore and the future can only be assumed. Change is the only consistency in life, eh!? Everything is just temporary and looking at the grand scheme of things, I realize how little it all matters since choices had been made (not by me) a long time ago. So, I focus on adapting to the new situation. Moving on.
I am healing and turning again to what I love the most. My son, myself, my health and writing.