.now – what next.

"You left me, sweet, two legacies, -
A legacy of love
A Heavenly Father would content, 
Had he the offer of; 
You left me boundaries of pain; 
Capacious as the sea, 
Between eternity and time, 
Your consciousness and me" - Emily Dickinson 

It is getting cold here, especially in the mornings and at night. Cold, grey and wet. One thing that I have been trying in the last couple of days is getting up earlier than my son, make some tea and have time for myself to read and write. It is such a peaceful way to start the day. My son and I are fighting a pretty bad cold for the past three weeks that seems to linger way too long. Looking out of the window now it is pitch-black. Some cars are driving by on the opposite side of the river and I can see the reflecting lights like tiny sparks of joy dancing on the water. 

I am sitting here, somewhat still besides the occasional cough that makes my lungs hurt. If anyone would ask me right now how I am doing, I would say – “I have been better.” Here I am in this house in Canada while the world is going on and it is not easy to simply step away from the things that feel heavy on me these days but I am getting swept away and occupied with everyone else’s everything else that keeps them busy. It is a somewhat odd sensation to on the one hand feel overwhelmed with happiness and joy when I see my son but also to say goodbye to some people I love without knowing if it is/was the last goodbye. Things happened along the way and I am still sorting out my thoughts and even question if it is my fault that caused it all. I experience many new firsts but also many potential lasts that are very time consuming and keep me not being able to focus on my studies. 

All these new special circumstances, possible lies that have been told, possible truths that cannot be revealed and new scenarios that are being created wear down on me. Am I the one who caused it all? Am I? If I really think about it, isn’t it always the case? It aways takes two? What does it mean to fall in love with someone else? What is love in the first place? Is it just a four-letter word meaning nothing? It is easier not to think about this now, so I don’t. It is a bit easier to paddle on the surface without drowning with just some simple questions and answers. Sometimes I want to go way further in. So far in to let myself feel the things I am not letting myself feel and to just stick my finger in the wound and push a couple of times until it really hurts. “That drive to Portugal came to my mind.” 

For some reason, autumn always transports me back to being and feeling very small and vulnerable. A friends told me it is not getting better, this is just the beginning!”, while I silently hoping he referred to the weather in Canada. When I think I am okay and things settled down in my head bits and pieces somewhere in the back of my memory float and creep silently up to the top. Things that have or have not being said, special moments, memories – oh sweet nostalgia. A couple of days ago I had one of those perfect moments. Those lucky ones where everything seems to be perfect: one is in the right place at the right time and the favourite song is playing on top of it all. That kind of perfect moment I am talking about here. Where you just know, THIS IS IT with an overwhelming feeling. Then one little message made it all crumble. Made my tiny empire, love and family island crack; however, not crash. 

What does my stomach tell me? Or should I abandon my gut and betray the inner voice when it tells me that something needs to change. Closing my eyes to my heart but instead listening to my instincts or logic? My logic tells me I want “Salad” but my gut says “Pasta!” damnit. Or is this something different? Let my head or gut lead? 

I want the before-stage again. I want to hold it so close to my chest and protect every single second of it and make us sweep as far as possible to a place where no bad news exist. Like a safety bubble. Back to reality: I know this is not how it all works. So I am taking this new situation just day by day trying to build onward and upward secretly going through the five-stages of grief but being somewhat stuck between anger and bargaining. While lingering on to the bigger picture and special moments my son comes down with a teddy bear in his arm. He curls and snuggles up next to me on the couch and says he cannot sleep. I touch his head and tell him a story while feeling his warm breath on my arm. Another single car drove by followed by complete darkness while Earth continues to rotate around the sun. 

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