.honesty – the naked truth.

“Yet down the line, lay clear uncertainties: promises made and promises to keep. Buried ambitions too, beckon and prod us to consider the harvest we’ll reap” 

Everyone makes mistaken, everybody lies but the truth will come out eventually. It is funny but if I am being honest: I lie but I am getting better at avoiding it. I lie about when I am late, I lie sometimes when I say “yes” but I mean “no”. Sometimes I even lie about important things that might potentially hurt feelings in the long run. I consider all those lies “my white lies”. Those are kind of acceptable for me. They are sometimes even kind, fine and appreciated. What do I teach my son though? Rule number one: Do not lie. Rule number two: do not be an asshole. Since number one is pretty straightforward, number two is way more complicated it seems. We also lie when we feel that whenever the truth reveals itself it might be risky. We might lose a lot. We might lose a partner, marriage or relationship. We try to cover things up, test things in secret and see how they evolve slowly. 

I have had a bunch of relationships in my life and what I have learned is that truth and honesty are the only rules I want from my partner. But, whatever the relationship looked like: platonic, work-related, romantic, sexual, they all made me reconsider and think about my rules however. For me it is so much easier to tell my partner exactly what I want, require, need or expect and be straightforward about it than talking around the subject or lie. Especially, whenever the relationship is complicated in the first place for example when it is a long-distance relationship, certain lies can make everything even messier. It is such a great feeling when partners can talk about anything freely without having tangled up stuff in the back of their mind. Thinking about how to tell my partner the truth without making him angry is not always possible but I aim for it at least. Life happens, love happens, situations and feelings change. We either adapt or we split up and everyone goes their separate ways discovering new things. There is nothing awkward about it. Again, this is life. 

One question that popped up several times in the last couple of days for me was how to be honest after having my feelings hurt. How does someone do it? Let’s say, you have a long-distance relationship (with someone who is in the military for example) which is very, very difficult in the first place and almost never works. Someone feels lonely, in addition they have trouble at home and useless fights and arguments and they meet someone else who they can talk to for hours while discovering each other, realizing after sharing wine, cheese, sausages and making secret plans for the future that this person might be the one. Better than the person waiting at home. They talk more. They become close friends and need to spend more time with each other to cope with certain horrible situations that they have to deal with on a daily basis. Here, I reckon, it is difficult to be honest to your significant other who is waiting at home. Telling the truth could mean that you might lose this partner. I don’t remember where I read it but it went something like this: honesty is an art, you first have to know yourself. 

“But my heart has awakened, trembles, calls. It does not ask for the future ahead; it asks only to be here with you now, in the shortened days, when green leaves turn red” 

Overall, honesty makes life simpler. If I don’t tell person A that X, Y and Z is okay but say that X, Y and Z sucks it might be hurtful in the beginning but it is at least honest. I am not dreading myself through an event with a fake smile looking at my watch waiting for it to end. I want to be honest when I endeavour to understand and listen to my own feelings. My problem sometimes is that I can feel hate and love at the same time. Same goes for anger or gratitude. Life is not simple. We are not simple but I can try to understand and learn the root for my weird emotions and outbursts sometimes. This leads to -> communicating these issues in a normal tone and voice with my partner. Telling the truth means risk, it means being scared, I already mentioned that, which makes me vulnerable but then again, it feels better later on and to be open for the person’s response that might even hurt. Just don’t be an asshole. This is a start. I think. 

Honesty

I expect to feel shock at any moment when you are gone. I think I am ready for it, yet I know I never will be. I do not expect this shock to be obliterative, a feeling that is discounting to mind and body. When I sometimes think how nice it would be for you to just be here and ask me where I put your shoes but I cannot know the unending absence that follows….. the void. The missing you. The sadness. The lonely nights sometimes where I want to curl up having my head touched by you feeling your breath close to me. Considering that  the person I love  most in the world disappearing from my life would be a chapter I do not want to start to write. I don’t want you to become the photograph on the table, the memory, the thought about good times. I cannot fathom this feeling of letting go of you. Or letting you float off with someone else….

There will be time for us to play, to laugh, to wander down the unseen winding ways. And there will be time enough to revel in presence as we pass these autumn days”. 

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