“What I dream of is an art of balance, of purity and serenity devoid of troubling or depressing subject matter – a soothing, calming influence on the mind, rather like a good armchair which provides relaxation from physical fatigue.” – Henri Matisse
What is balance? Balancing things out in life…. I have been thinking about it for a long time. Especially today and I realized that things can be balanced but there will never be a routine of some sort. One phone call from someone and everything in your life can change. I talked to my father today via Skype. My grandfather is in hospital since yesterday and I do not know if he is making it out alive. He is almost 86 years old. Wow, if I will ever be that old? If I will ever make it that far? Hearing this I realize again that I have to balance out my life. That I cannot go to crazy in either direction. Life can change or be over so soon. There is not need to stress too much.
I know I have responsibilities in life and I know there are expectations from others that I live my life a certain way. Well, I just cannot balance this all out anymore. Life has changed. My life is a constant change and I love it the way it is. Others might think it is crazy and that there is no “routine” but it is okay with me. I am working on not feeling too bad about leaving my family behind in Germany and not having enough personal time with them that I can spend anymore. This hurts me so much still. I lived with my parents for almost two years with my son and now things changed. My son and I are back in the U.S. and waiting for the next change. The Congo-change.
Life changes constantly and you never know if you even wake up the next morning. I just have to do what makes me happy. If I am 100% into something it is hard for me not to give 100%. I like to do things how I envision them. When life throws you a curveball you have to change – your expectations need to change. Even your life has to change sometimes. I just do not like to run around with this sense of guilt all the time that I haven’t done something, haven’t called someone, haven’t done something according to someone’s expectations. My life is not perfect. Far from it. Life will get busier and busier and I will have to adapt and change – my perspective has to change.
No matter what anybody tells me, I know one things for sure. I know for sure that I go to bed at night with this feeling that I was present as a good wife and mother. Even though there are points when my husband and I argue (mostly because of me I have to admit) but I know I am doing a good job and I am balanced. When I make mistakes I am aware that I can change the situation by improving so my family which is my biggest priority in life never gets pushed aside or down any ladders. I also know that I have to live up to MY expectations and nobody else’s. Everybody lives their own life. And to realize this just feels good. I realize that this is helping me fixing my feelings of being so un-balanced at times. I simply realize that I have a priority list for MY life and some things are higher up there and nobody needs to worry about those things but I!
With me stressing sometimes about all kind of things I have to just balance things and chill. Being married to a Frenchi it should be all clear. I mean, all the French people I met so far are so laid back and stress-free it is amazing. When my husband is having his coffee and breakfast in the morning he can just chill, sit, and relax. I on the other hand try to find a cure for AIDS and split an atom. Trying to do everything at the same time, stressing – because this is embedded in my mind. Why? Because this is how I have been raised. Always worrying about everything and stressing. I try to please something, someone, balance things out to simply please. I have to realize that if I cannot finish something there is always tomorrow. Simple as that. Many times life is just difficult and things do not get done on time. But it is all okay. I always try to remember that I only have this ONE shot on life.
To realize this and apply it on a daily basis – tough but manageable with time.