It is finally spring in Canada; well, in Ottawa where we live. Needless to say, everything starts to blossom and bloom and it is warm enough to comfortably wear a t-shirt, short pants or a dress and finally give my Canada Goose jacket a break for a bit. Warmer weather also means spending a lot of time outside, enjoying the sun, playgrounds, picnics and endless chats with other mom’s in the neighborhood who mostly with tired eyes and annoying look stand somewhere, stare at their phones and wait for supper-time. I am sure I am a crap friend to most of them since I usually say how things really are. How I really feel about things. Usually, I don’t do this out of malice but looking back, I was always like this.
I have spoken to a mom the other day and she told me that all her extracurricular activities are over since she had her first child. She is currently pregnant with the second (sigh!) and mostly miserable and sad. “My life has been flushed down the toilet,” she said, while looking for a paper towel in her pocket. “My friend called me the other day to hang and go to the movies and I was so tired that I almost feel asleep on the phone, ” she sobbed. She doesn’t know how to make time for others; especially her childless, “normal” friends (as she called it) anymore. Also, her husband is never home and works late most of the nights. “Is he trying to escape? You think he still loves me? Do you think he thinks I am fat, now that I am pregnant? Well, he does spend a lot of time in the office,” she said and wiped away some more tears.
Honestly, things changed drastically when my son was born. Baby blues? Yep, quite a bit! Gladly, I had my parents to help me a lot but I also called spontaneous weeknight drinks, readings, reading, movies, theater and museum-visits and get-together(s) goodbye for a long time. Now slowly, I am able to go out again but I don’t have “normal” childless friends anymore, hah! Go figure and there is this desperate yawning sad chasm between them and I! Anybody who did not congratulate me or brought me a gift to the birth of my son within the first year is dead to me! Just kidding, there are some true friends left but it took a toll on some relationships for sure. The ones I truly treasure remained however for many years which is the most important thing! This being said, I think it is very important to have childless friends! Friends who inspire me, who still read, watch good movies and have interesting stories to tell; well, anything that does not involve kids. Spending time with childless friends makes me think that nothing has changed. I absorb their relaxed attitude for a while and I am good again. Free(er) and ready for new challenges.
Whenever we are outside, Petit Joel loves to play with the bigger kids. Those kids who are already five or six years old and up. They play rough and usually he gets thrown into the mud; occasionally water, or beaten up with wooden sticks. He does not care and goes back to play with them the next day. For me as a mom, I would think that it is kind of logical to look and connect with mom’s who have children in Petit Joel’s age and are in the same boat as I am and so these little guys get along a big better. This is when I met my new mom friend, Meghan. *
Her son is not even three years- old and we can talk for hours. We hit it off from the start. We started talking about how we sometimes still find ourselves struggling with the realities of our mom-situation. We spoke about this little feeling that only mom’s can relate to when approaching the daycare and spying this sign that says: Daycare will be closed next Monday for X, Y and Z. Which means, long weekend, which means three days nonstop entertainment and so on. “I hope the weather will be okay. Like rain would toooootally suck, eh,” she tells me while I still stare at the sign with my eyes and mouth wide open. With a bit of a weird feeling and a slight frustration I pick up my son. Don’t get me wrong here. I love him so much and spending time with him is the best. However, I don’t want to lose myself or forget about myself in the picture. He is here, I gave birth to him but this does not mean that my life is on hold until he moves out at some point.
So I have some mom-friends but sometimes I even feel anger, helplessness, more frustration and whatnot toward all my childless friends since I want to be in their shoes again, just for one day. This usually happens when shit hits the fan and we had a very hard day. You know, this feeling of just caring for yourself and nobody and nothing else really seems then so tempting. Once I made this decision to have a child and everything changed and I have to keep that in mind. I know now that there is a huge lack of freedom and spontaneity that was all so natural before. Every weekend party, activity or hangout needs to be planned in advance and be child proof to some extend and many won’t even happen. I do take my son to festivals, some concerts or the occasional Senators hockey game. And he is okay with it for some time but it is however not the same as when I go there without him; it seems I can never really fully enjoy it or relax. “Hire a babysitter,“ my childless friends suggest. Yep, great idea, but then I think about money, time, is he okay with the sitter, did he eat, did she remember to put a diaper on for the night, will she call and I constantly check my phone. And whenever you bring your child along to any childless friends party (because your childless friends say it is OKAY; honestly, how many of your friends really want to hang out too long with your kid and how quickly are you leaving after you arrived when you do not see another child running around? One hour max; if even…
I just have to face it. I decided to have a child with everything it entails. All the pros and cons and even though I did have some parenting examples that could have warned me not to take this step, (I never wanted to have children) I decided to have this child anyway. You know why? I told myself that I will do it all differently than all the other moms. My child will be different. Easier. And this is why human beings exist. Why we have a society and why women still give birth to these little people. It can be so exhausting but yet I love my son to death and I am glad he is here on this planet.
*Name has been changed.
